And here I am again…

I was keeping a wonderful secret from you for a while. I was pregnant again, and in a few more days there would have been a sonogram at 8.5 weeks, and we would have found a lovely, healthy fetus with a strong heartbeat and that’s when I was going to tell you. Except it didn’t go that way, again.

I had another miscarriage on Thursday, at 7.5 weeks pregnant. That makes three miscarriages in ten months, for those of you playing along at home. (Two spontaneous abortions and one chemical pregnancy, for those of you playing with the Advanced Medical Lingo board.) Spotting started Wednesday afternoon, got a bit heavier on Thursday morning, and Thursday afternoon found Billy and me at the doctor’s office, getting that much-anticipated sonogram a week early and finding no heartbeat.

My baby died. Another baby dead.

Since Thursday, the bleeding has picked up pace. No great, crushing contraction followed by an expulsion like the first miscarriage. No sad, pedestrian period like the second one, at just four weeks pregnant. It’s like my body was waiting for that dead-still sonogram before it let go. The spotting to hint at what was to come, and only now, days later, is it giving that baby over. I passed what must have been the sac, or a large part of it, this evening and couldn’t help but touch it. It was translucent and rubbery and surprisingly strong. Like the membrane in a chicken’s egg but much stronger. The baby would have grown in there. Strange to hold it, touch it. I thought I should bury it, but I ended up dropping it into the toilet and flushing it away. There was no identifiable tissue with it. I looked. Is this too much information? Probably. I’m beyond caring. I have to write this. Look away, if you need to.

I’m fucking angry. And sad as hell. We’ve already done a shitload of tests that all came back normal. On Thursday they drew six more vials of blood to test for more obscure stuff. The OB says it’s time to see a specialist, but I’m not sure how much farther we want to take this thing. I think I might want to get off the ride. Enough loss, you know? Enough blood. Enough with the dead babies. We’re taking the summer off. I know that much. If August ends and I feel up to it, then we’ll see what the Reproductive Endocrinologist has to say, beyond, “We have no idea why this is happening.”

August is far away, for now. Right now I’m going to mourn this baby. And then I’m going to work in the garden and write my ass off and hang out with Billy and Thumper, and love my two guys, our little family of three, as hard as I can. I’m going to try to let that be enough.

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123 comments on “And here I am again…
  1. Alison says:

    Mourn. Your way, in your time.
    And from afar, we will mourn alongside you and keep you all close in our thoughts and hearts too.

  2. janine says:

    I’ m so sorry for your loss. Take time to to grieve and to let you body heal before making any decisions.
    Hugs xxx

  3. Bullwinkle says:

    I’m so sorry for your loss. Do whatever you need to, whenever you need to. We’ll be here, keeping you close. Hugs.

  4. Marrije says:

    Oh man, not again… That’s so unfait, and heart-breaking. Will be thinking of you.

  5. Kayla says:

    Oh I’m so sorry. Take your time, do what you need to do. You’ll be in all of our thoughts. xx

  6. Jill Smith says:

    I am so sorry, Cari. So very sorry.

  7. Carole says:

    I had a feeling you were pregnant and I’m so sorry you had a miscarriage. You are a strong woman and I know you’ll trust your heart to do what’s right for your family. Take your time and mourn and move forward at your own pace.

  8. kate says:

    i’m so sorry.

  9. Lee says:

    Oh, I am so sorry. I took that roller coaster ride 5 times before I decided to get off. You are wise to take time to mourn and heal and celebrate your life as it is. Decisions about the future can come later, in the future. My thoughts are with you.

  10. Sharon says:

    I have no words, just a big, warm hug for you.

  11. Johanna says:

    You have to be so strong to have already endured what you’ve gone through. I think it’s so healthy to recognize that each one is a loss.

    You are very lucky to have Thumper and Billy, and who knows what your future holds.

    Hugs and stay strong.

  12. pattie says:

    so, so sorry. hug Thumper and Billy. feel my hug from far away.

  13. Emma says:

    I am so SO sorry that you are going through this again. Absolutely take all the time you and Billy need to come to the decision that works best for your family.
    You are in my thoughts.

  14. Rachael says:

    So much love to you.

  15. Adam says:

    I love you so much. You have the strength of many Russias, the heart of many mothers, the eyes of Galileo and van Leeuwenhoek. You know too much, and you don’t refuse it. I can only wish you peace.

  16. Christiane says:

    Wow – what a devastating blow to you and your family. Yet you can rest in the arms of your two men that you’ve been blessed with.
    Know that we are all thinking of you and praying for peace, comfort, and love to envelop you.

  17. Cate says:

    I’m so sorry, Cari. You’re in my thoughts, tight.

  18. I am so sorry. My thoughts are with you.

  19. Knittripps says:

    I am very sorry. My thoughts are with you. Sending best wishes your way…

  20. jackie says:

    Really sorry to hear this.

  21. gleek says:

    i’m so sorry for your loss :( hugs cari.

  22. Faith says:

    I am so very sorry, and thinking of you. Be well in your own time.

  23. Cathy says:

    I’m so sorry. That just sucks. Take all the time you need–mourn and heal in your own time. Enjoy the company of your guys. And if some handspun yarn will make you feel a little better (I know it can’t fix everything, but it can help sometimes) email me a mailing address, and I’ll pop some in the mail for you.

  24. Rachel H says:

    I’m so very sorry.

  25. Mish says:

    I am so sorry. {hugs}

  26. Anna says:

    Oh, Cari, I’m so very, very sorry. Big hugs to you and your boys.

  27. jodi says:

    Oh, sweetie. xoxo

  28. becky says:

    My heart goes out to you. Wishing you peace and comfort, and then eventually, hope. I’m so sorry.

  29. Brad Green says:

    My wife and I went through this several times before we had our first and a few more times before the second came along. I’m very sorry. Here I am, a grown man, sitting in front of the computer with tears in my eyes. All I can really offer is my hope that you’ll write about it because what you produce from this will, without a doubt, be wildly powerful.

  30. Joan says:

    Please add me to the circle of people who are keeping you and your family in their thoughts.

  31. Riin says:

    Oh, I’m so sorry.

    May you find peace.

  32. Ginny says:

    Oh Cari, I am so so sorry this has happened again. Peace to you and your family.

  33. Marcy says:

    It’s just not fair! So sad!!!

  34. mamie says:

    my thoughts, my prayers and my hugs are yours today. i am so sorry for these losses you have experienced.

  35. Tina says:

    I’m so, so sorry. This is too much loss. Big, big hugs to you from the lower valley.

  36. Ruth says:

    I am so so sorry.

  37. Saralyn says:

    It breaks my heart to hear it. Here’s hoping something good comes your way very soon.

  38. Cari, I am so very sorry. I can’t imagine your pain and I hope that the grieving and pain eases soon and you are able to make a decision about future attempts with a clear mind and a healing heart.

  39. michele says:

    i’m so sorry. you are all in my thoughts.

  40. Lizbon says:

    Oh damn. And I was going to suggest taking time off from it for a while, but you’re already there. Damn damn damn. Sorry, honey.

  41. Melissa says:

    I am so sorry.

  42. terhi says:

    I’m so sorry, Cari.

  43. Mary K. in Rockport says:

    No, it’s not too much information. Today’s NYTimes magazine reported that Yoko Ono had three miscarriages before she and John had Sean. I hadn’t known that.

  44. midj says:

    Hugs from the opposite corner of the country. So sad for you and your family. Sending healing thoughts your way.

  45. Steph VW says:

    Cari – I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to say other than that. I just wish I had a magic wand for you that would not only heal the hurt but make everything work the way it should.

  46. rubyredruca says:

    I’m so sorry to hear this. *hugs* I’ve been hoping for you guys, and I understand just wanting to take a break from all this. Hang in there.

  47. Sabrina says:

    This is my first visit to your blog. It is not too much information. It is sharing with a community of women who care about each other. I will send up my prayers and hopes for you and your family and I wish you all the best.

  48. Heather says:

    Hugs from me, too. I’m so sorry for your loss.

  49. Dee says:

    I’m so sorry. Thinking about you today…

  50. Sarah R says:

    Oh, I’m so sorry. I wish there was something more to say…but that’ll have to do.

  51. Sharon says:

    ((((HUGS))))) Not sure that I have anything I can say, but just want you to know that I am thinking of you.

  52. claudia says:

    That sucks incredibly hard. For you, I so wish this were different.

  53. Rorra says:

    I’m sending you and your family happy and healing thoughts.

  54. Amy says:

    My heart clenched when I read this. I’m so sorry for your loss and the loss of your other babies.

  55. regina says:

    Oh sweetie. I am so deeply sad for you and thinking of you and yours. I wish things were different. Sending you lots of love.

  56. Cari, I am so, so sorry. Thinking of you, and sending you thoughts of healing and love.

  57. Maxly says:

    Cari,
    a virtual hug for you. I hope you can heal some and if writing does it, I-we-are here to read and mourn with you. That is what friends are for, virtual or not.
    I hope peace for you.

    Maxly

  58. Natalie says:

    So sorry to read this. My heart broke for you the first two times, and continues again. Take care of yourself and know that there are a lot of us praying for you, whatever comfort that may be.

  59. JudithNYC says:

    I am so sorry you had to go through this again.

  60. Melissa says:

    This sucks. Prayers for you and your family going out from Brooklyn tonight.

  61. Li says:

    Cari, there are no words that will comfort your loss. I pray that you are given peace and in the mysterious way of life find joy. I am so sorry for your loss.

  62. michelle says:

    oh. no.
    3 times in a lifetime is too much. In 10 months is plain cruel.

    I hope you are enjoying the sunshine and a bed to sleep in, and the knowledge that this pain, like all others will pass and leave you a little changed but more yourself.

  63. Alyssa says:

    I hope you find rest and some peace with your family. I am sorry for your loss and will send healing and caring thoughts your way.

  64. Jaime says:

    I’m so very sorry Cari.

  65. Karma says:

    Sending my love and a very warm and encompassing hug…

  66. caroline says:

    Oh, Cari. this sucks beyond belief. My heart goes out to you. and it wasn’t too much info. I did the same thing. Be gentle with yourself. this isn’t anyone’s fault. Much love to you.

  67. Ruth says:

    Oh, sweetie. I am so terribly, terribly sorry.

  68. Amy says:

    Oh, such sad news on top of sad news on top of sad news. Our thoughts are with you, and I’m glad that you’re taking a break. It sounds like the best thing to do in a horrible situation.

  69. Celine French says:

    I’m so sorry you had to go through this again. The unexplained must make it even more difficult. I hope you find some answers in the future. Thinking of you.

  70. Anna says:

    So, so sorry. I’m sending hugs your way.

  71. Jamie says:

    I almost never comment, though I read you regularly.

    I cannot tell you I know what you’re feeling, or to hang on to hope. I can tell you that I’ve been (am) in a parallel dimension to yours, and I’m familiar with some of the topography.

    I would consider seeing an endocrinologist. You must, of course, draw your own line when it comes to how far you want to pursue things. But there could be a fairly simple explanation, with an equally straightforward solution. I wish you strength and peace.

  72. xina says:

    I am so so sorry to hear this, Cari – call if you need to talk.

  73. NoIdahoWoman says:

    Someone recently shared there philosophy with me. “Life is wonderful, even when it’s not.” I hope you will continue to find joy–in your garden, with your family, and especially this summer.

  74. Jody says:

    Oh Cari, I am so sorry. All I can say is that I have been there, too. Be angry, be sad and love your boys with all your might. And let yourself rest. Wishing you peace.

  75. heatherly says:

    so much love from all of us.

  76. Kathy says:

    I am so so sorry.

  77. astoria says:

    Oh my god. I’m heartbroken for you. That’s a lot to live through. One loss feels like too much.

  78. Anna says:

    I am sorry you are going through this yet again. Unfortunately it’s all too common.

  79. Cath says:

    I am really so sorry for your loss.

  80. Jennifer says:

    I’m so sorry to hear your sad news. I live in Brooklyn and think of you often (although I don’t even know you).

  81. Pat says:

    Oh boy, what a blow! My heart aches for you, I feel your sadness through your words. you are right to go forward, as that our only choice. And love your beautiful son.

  82. Amy in StL says:

    I’m sorry. I truly can’t imagine how hard this must be for you.

  83. YanTanTethera says:

    I’m so very sorry.
    As a veteran of years and years and years of (unsuccessful) fertility treatments, the one thing I do understand is that there’s nothing anyone can say to make it feel better.
    Oh, and that well-meaning advice almost always makes it feel worse. And that talking about it sometimes helps, briefly. And sometimes doesn’t.
    Big hugs.

  84. Lisa says:

    Oh, I’m so sorry. I am so sorry. :(

  85. rams says:

    Oh, lamb.

  86. Emma says:

    So sorry to read of your disappointment and sadness.
    Prof. Regan, in the U.K., runs a recurring miscarriage clinic. Here’s a link :
    http://www.bbc.co.uk/sn/tvradio/programmes/horizon/heartbeat.shtml
    One of the things they test for is anti-phospholipid antibodies. Affects blood clotting. My son was the result of my 9th pregnancy. Most of the others ended early, some mid-term. As soon as my I tested positive, before my period was due ! , I was prescribed Claxane. It’s similar in effect to Heparin. I then took low dose aspirin.
    One of the many things to explore.

    I wish you luck, love and peace, whichever course you decide to take.

  87. Mother Chaos says:

    Not fair. Not fair at all. I’m so sorry.

  88. Celia says:

    Aw. Crap. Been there. Felt crappy too. Goes right to the core of your being. Don’t blame you one bit for wanting to get off the ride.

  89. Julene says:

    I am so, so sorry.

  90. Sandra says:

    I’m so sorry, Cari. Do whatever you feel is the right thing for you. And if you choose to share it, we’ll be here reading. I’m fucking angry for you as well.

  91. Marisa says:

    Oh, Cari. I am so sorry that you have to go through this again. I’ll be thinking of you. Big, warm hugs you to, Billy and Thumper.

  92. Wendy says:

    I’m so sorry. I’ll keep thinking strong positive thoughts for you.

  93. Dr. Steph says:

    <> Crap crap crap crap. I’m so sad and angry for you.

    I’m sending hugs and thoughts and all that stuff too.

  94. cherylc says:

    I’m very sorry for your loss. I wish you the best, whatever you end up doing.

  95. janna says:

    Oh, sweetie, I’m just so, so sorry…..

  96. Paula says:

    DAMN IT. I have been thinking about you guys, and was so hoping you would never have to go through this again. I’m so sorry. There’s nothing good to say. Here is another book/website that may be helpful when you look into things further again.

    http://www.amazon.com/Wise-Woman-Herbal-Childbearing-Year/dp/0961462000/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1242779602&sr=8-1

    http://www.wisewomantradition.com/childbearingyear/

    I know it doesn’t help right now. This just happened to a close friend of mine as well. What a bitter, rotten disappointment.

  97. Juliette says:

    That’s so fucked up.

  98. Chris says:

    I wish I could change things for you.

  99. MoDLin says:

    I’m so sorry to hear this. One is really hard, but three in less than a year seems too cruel. I think taking a breather is a good idea. Let yourself grieve and let the summer wind and sun soothe you. Know that there are many people thinking of you and wishing you peace.

  100. Shelley says:

    I’m so so sorry for your loss. It’s very sad. Wish it could be better and easier for you.

  101. susan says:

    Oh, such sad news — you must be feeling heartbroken. I wish there was something I could say to help, but I only really have sympathy.

  102. Sara says:

    So sad and so sorry for your loss.

    Hug your men tight and pls know you are all in our hearts and prayers.

  103. Victoria says:

    I am really sorry to hear this and just wanted to send you my love. Write whatever you feel you need to.

  104. Ilona says:

    Dear Cara,
    As one of your faithful bloggies (reader). I would like to express my heart felt condolances to you. Take care of yourself and your family; Garden, make blue pancakes, write and knit up something fun.
    Sincerely,
    Ilona

  105. anina says:

    Damn. I’d guessed you were pregnant but felt I shouldn’t ask until you were ready to tell. I’m sorry you have to keep telling us the same sad news. Big love to you (all three) as always.

  106. Kiersten says:

    I’m sorry….

  107. patricia says:

    i just finished a book unspeakable losses which has given me a lot to think about — this was not too much information — i am again working through something similar though it happened almost 19 yrs ago…thank you for being you and i am sorry for your losses…

  108. Reyna says:

    oh, cari, i’m so sorry. my condolences to you and billy.

  109. Katie says:

    I’m just now seeing this post. EEEK!

    Goddam it all–you should not have to endure this again. *squishes you*

    I’m always here if you need to chat or scream or whatever. Or if you want to be distracted by writing I can fling things at you and you can fling things at me and we’ll just lose ourselves in our work.

  110. Caroline says:

    Oh lamb, I am so sorry. As someone who suffered many small miscarriages (and then one at nearly 4 months), I know how devastating this feels. I don’t have any advice except that writing about it is very brave and probably will help, as will knowing how loved you are.Carolne L.

  111. angela says:

    I’m sorry I’m coming in so late with this, but I am truly sorry for your loss. You are all in my thoughts and I will say a prayer for all of you.

  112. ginchy says:

    I am so sorry for your loss Cari. Words are not enough.

  113. jane says:

    I’m so sorry, my thoughts are with you and your family….Jane

  114. Anneliese says:

    I am sorry this is happening to you. My thoughts are with you and Billy.

  115. Jill says:

    Thank you for sharing so much.

  116. Tiny Tyrant says:

    Oh Cari I’m so sorry.

    It’s not fair, especially if the reason is still : Unexplained Infertility

    You want to know why so you can try to fix it. But sometimes it’s just not possible, as hard as that is to bear.

    You are in my thoughts.

  117. Oh, I’m so sorry to read this. Look after yourself. ~x~

  118. aebell says:

    I’m so very, very sorry to read of your loss and, unfortunately, know exactly what you’re going through. I’ve had multiple miscarriages, and have not yet succeeded in carrying to term.

    I think it’s unfortunate to have a ‘veil of secrecy’ during the first trimester — I, for one, have benefited from the support of close friends and family during this time.

  119. joanna says:

    that really sucks.

  120. Carrie Mc W says:

    So sorry to read of your loss. I did the same thing last year (poled eggs x3 at 12, 14 & 16 weeks followed by D&C’s each time) and decided, obviously, we were not destined to have another child. Turned up 5 months pregnant 10 months later while taking generic BC. Go figure. Take the summer off and think about it again later.

  121. tina says:

    Recurrent miscarriages aren’t easy; pregnancies 4, miscarriages 2, daughters 2; bled through all 4. Being a GP, if anything, made it harder not easier as some colleagues assumed I’d be OK without the ‘usual’ counselling.
    Trying to carry a pregnancy through to term or, sometimes even trying to conceive is difficult for both partners. You need to grieve, recover and then decide what to do next, as a family.
    I have two beautiful daughters, one 13 the other 9. If I hadn’t had the miscarriages I wouldn’t have Rebecca; my beautiful, funny, scarily bright daughter.
    Do seek advice and then decide; don’t make any snap decisions now that you may regret later.

1 Pings/Trackbacks for "And here I am again…"
  1. [...] been with me going back that far and want to get caught up: miscarriage #1, miscarriage #2, and miscarriage #3. Is that gruesome, to link to them like that? I suppose the fact that I can so blithely do so [...]

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