where I’m at right now, according to Photo Booth
I was toying with the idea of doing a recap of 2008, but looking back over my posts for the year it doesn’t seem to add up to nearly as much as it felt like when I was living through the actual days and minutes of it. There were good bits, as with any year. There were bad bits, as with any year.
Sitting here now, thinking about what I want for 2009, I’m finding I want the same things I wanted in 2008, but this time that amounts to wanting to have the things I lost in 2008.
This year my first novel, which my agent started shopping around to publishers at the end of 2005, received its final rejection and went into the drawer. This year I was pregnant with our second child, and then lost that child.
There are the good things, and they do outweigh the bad. There’s my wonderful husband, our wonderful son. There are friends and family. There’s been a great deal of bread baked and vegetables harvested. There’ve been some socks knit, some sweaters. Some excellent books read. Some truly awful jokes told. I finished my second novel, and am almost done with the revisions my agent asked for. Yes, things are good.
But, still…
I think about what I want in 2009 and the usual platitudes float up about health and peace and love and family, and wondering what the Obama presidency will bring, but once the obligatory noble thoughts are swept aside, what I really want (besides the health and peace and love and family) is to have another healthy baby, and to sell this new novel to a publisher. That’s it.
Simple, yeah? Just those two small things. All I want in the new year are things I have no control over.
(Let’s set the miserable state of book publishing aside for a moment.) I’ve written the best book I can, and am revising it to the best of my ability. Once it goes back to Gail, it’s out of my hands and all I can do is hope for the best.
The baby… Damnit. I haven’t been talking about that here, but of course we’ve been trying to get pregnant again. I had the miscarriage at the end of July (on Billy’s birthday, by the way. Happy 41st, honey!). The doctor advised me to wait a month before trying again, and we did. In the months since we’ve started trying again, three times I’ve felt pregnant, and three times that feeling ended in a somewhat abnormal period. So now I’ve got a head full of statistics: two-thirds of conceptions don’t result in implantation, 50% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. Etc etc etc. I’ve had enough of it. I’d like my baby, please.
So…yeah. One novel in the drawer = totally common and normal. One miscarriage and it’s taking a while to get pregnant again, and throw in some chemical pregnancies for good measure? I’m 35, so also = totally normal.
I do not want to be normal. I want to be lucky. Anyone know who I have to talk to to arrange that?
With everything I want most outside of my control, that leaves me with taking 2009 as it comes, one day after another. Taking care of myself and Billy and Thumper as best I can. Loving them as hard as I can. Baking bread. Knitting socks. Writing my ass off, whether it ever reaches an audience or not.
Thank you for sticking with me through another year. Happy New Year, and much love, to all of you.
Metta.
Cari
Cari, it sounds like all your wishes are up to fate! How frustrating not to be able to drive to the grocery store and pluck whatever you want off the shelf!! I wish you all the best in 2009; I bet it’s going to be a very good one for you! (sorry about all the exclamation points…)
My wife and I were in nearly the same situation. We’d tried and tried. Suffered miscarriage(s). Doctors eventually told us to look into adoption. At that point, we sorta gave up, just lived life. It wasn’t but a month or so later that she brought me the positive test.
The same thing for the second one a year ago. Lots of procedures…etc. We finally decided that one would be fine, especially since he was such a miracle. Once that occurred, our daughter was conceived and born thirteen months ago.
I really think all our attention to the matter was negative, being weighed down with our expectations, which were marinated in a stew of prior failure and expert opinion that wasn’t supportive. Once we jettisoned all that, nature worked.
I know it sounds all esoteric, but it’s worked out that way for us twice. I’m really enjoying your blog so far.
I don’t think luck is something you can seek. The only time luck comes to me is when I’m content with what I have, i.e., more than some, less than others. It’s not the life I envisioned for myself, but I’ve accepted that it’s the life I’ve got and will likely always have, and I’ve decided it’s ok, and I’m happy with it. And occasionally out of the blue luck comes my way, and I am so grateful.
Relax. Whatever happens happens. You want to be happy whatever happens, right? Not always waiting for the right thing to happen for you to be happy. Your body will be healthier if you’re relaxed and happy — maybe you’ll be more likely to conceive and less likely to miscarry?
Be well. (hugs)
A very happy new year to you and your family.
Wishing you a blessed 2009 in all ways.
Oh, sweetie. I know this is probably NOT what you want to hear, but as you likely know, stress can be a huge impediment to getting pregnant. Have you thought about accupuncture? A few people I know swear by it and say it helped them to conceive. I know you’re not asking for advice, but I really am trying to be helpful. I hope you don’t mind. Sending you lots of love!
The book “Taking Charge of Your Fertility” by Toni Weschler has some really good, accessible information about how fertility works and a lot of suggestions for women who are hoping to conceive. If you haven’t already, I’d suggest taking a look at it. I learned a lot from it that I’d never known before, and found it very affirming and empowering.
My grandfather was a strong believer in the “power of positive thinking.” I don’t know if a person can draw luck to themselves, but I do believe we can put what we want out into the universe and believe in those things…and the universe will give them to us, in some form or another.
Your blog is a bright spot in my world–thank you for your thoughtful, thought provoking posts.
All the best to you and your family in 2009.
A beautifully written post, thank you for sharing. I second the book recommedation above–it’s a good one to read. I hope 2009 blesses you with you with love and happiness. Peace and be well.
Metta right back.
If I had anything to do with it, you’d get both your wishes.
I sincerely hope that 2009 brings you all that you hope for and more; in the interim, stay focused on all of those things you know you can and will do and enjoy them for what they are and what they add to your life.
Peace.
Love this self-portrait.
Keep trying. Keep living. It will happen when you least expect it.
I know all too well the disappointment of finding yourself NOT pregnant month after month. It totally sucks. I’m wishing and hoping the best for your family! LOVE!
I hope that 2009 brings you these two very important things and more.
I will second what was said about acupuncture and the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility, and add to the list The Mind Body Fertility Connection by James Schwartz. Also, you may want to look into Maya Abdominal Massage – it is very helpful for the physical problems associated with miscarriage and getting pregnant, but it REALLY helps with the emotional aspects of fertility and miscarriage as well (been there! – on a side note it also really helped me with some creative blocks). Wishing you the best in 2009 – karen
Wishing you and your family health, happiness, and fulfillment in 2009 and beyond. Thanks for writing your blog.
And much love to you, too, Cari. adding a loving energetic push to your wishes for 2009. hugs.
The Luck God has a super-short attention span (second only to the Good Parking Spot God), so I’ll be sure to bring your name up often, whether I think he’s listening or not.
May Luck be with you, and shine around you, and fill your life with happy blessings.
Slainte!
2008 was the year I got to know you and read your novel–so lucky for me. And we’ll keep on in 2009. If there is a God of publishing contracts I’ll light incense and candles at its altar and do the dance of the seven veils. We already wrote our asses off.
You have 20 wishes. Start your list and keep it handy. Use your wishes wisely. They tend to come true.
“Normal” buys the same brand and colour of lipstick for 10 years, not to create a signature style, but for security.
You don’t strike me as “normal”, so I am bundling up a package of luck and light and I’m flinging it into the universe, hoping it gets to you.
May you get everything you want in the coming year!
You’ve already got some good and well meaning advice here, which although on some level you might want it, on another it might rankle, so I will keep my trap shut except to say that you already know (most likely) what I’m thinking.
One thing I did learn this past semester in med school is what you’ve already said — humans … it’s amazing we procreate at all — it’s THAT hard. One does sort of pause and go “??” at that, especially since my daughter was conceived with one “oops, we forgot we should be protected.” And my poor mom did everything she could NOT to get pregnant and she was really sort of “saved” only by the fact that my father died. Because every single time, BOOM, she had another baby. She often said, “I could just look at a man and get pregnant,” though she really didn’t want ANY MORE.
But then after Abigail I tried for another and it never worked.
Sheet. I said I was going to keep my trap shut, and there I went on and on and you’re probably over there going, “Norma. STFU.”
In love, and wishing you a happy new year:
Norma
Godspeed (whether or not God comes into any of this, godspeed is such a nice word.) For what it’s worth, both of our kids were born after I was 35.
I’m thinking that’s a really well-written recap even thought you didn’t plan to do it.
Here’s to a better, brighter, 2009. xo
also, you’re GORGEOUS.
I have no answers, of course, but just have to say that I am obscurely pleased by the fact that your bookshelves look so much like mine. The contents, of them, rather.
I’ll let you know if I manage to find an “in” at the Luck Dept.
I believe talent, hardwork, and luck are the key ingredients to all success. But not all of them are necessary. Two out of three ain’t bad. (Wait–did I just quote Meatloaf?)
Buena suerta, my dear! And strive on…
Happy New Year to all of you and yours.
Everyone I know that had babies around the time we did have seemed to struggle to get pregnant the second time around. Even if it hasn’t been the exact struggle you have gone through. It seems to take months longer than planned. I have a feeling it’ll all work out for you this year. Here’s to 2009!
Here’s hoping you get everything you want in 2009, Cari. Thanks for sticking around with us out here.
Happy new year to you, too — it’s so nice to see your face. xx
this was a great post. happy new year.
Happy new year…I pray 2009 brings you all your heart’s desires. Peace.
Happy New Year and best wishes for 2009!
Oh my dear, I do feel your frustration. The desires are different, but the wanting is the same, I think. And all the sensible reassurance in the world just makes one want to punch something, sometimes.
This year for me was about making peace with my own impatience, among other useful things. I wish you that, as well as luck in all things. xx
Happy new year and the best of luck for 2009 x
Hi there,
I know exactly how you feel about the baby thing. One thing I HATED to hear was “relax”, and “it’s probably all the stress of trying so hard that’s keeping you from getting pregnant.” Well that’s a really good way of blaming a woman for her infertility. Also, “Just stop trying, and it’ll happen” is about the dumbest advice there is. I agree whole-heartedly with the recommendations for Taking Charge of Your Fertility. Don’t waste your time trying randomly. I’m sure you’ve read it already, though. Also, “feeling pregnant” is one of nature’s biggest jokes, I think -it always ends with a funny or late period as the punchline, no? The only way to increase your odds naturally is to chart your cycles, understand what you’re seeing, and KEEP TRYING. The one thing you have learned from your miscarriage is that you CAN conceive. You will again, and one miscarriage does not mean more in your future. Good luck. I believe it will happen.
P.S.
I know three people who could not successfully conceive until they weaned their other child completely. Then they got pregnant very soon after -something to consider.
What a difficult time it’s been , Cari. Bet you’re glad to kiss 2008 goodbye. I trust that things will work out for you this next year and there will be corresponding highs for these lows. I so enjoy your writing and your blog. Bon courage, dear.
I came across you on Brad’s site and just read your in the drawer post. (I have 7 novels published, but as usual, two in the drawer.) What I noticed was your reference to Gail Hochman. When I was doing the MFA at Iowa in the early 80s, I was in contact with Gail and we exchanged many marvelous letters — I still have them all in a file cabinet. But through what was actually a sort of fluke, I ended up with Molly Friedrich. I just wanted to say that I thought Gail was the most accessible and supportive agent I have ever known, and I have worked with both Molly F. and Peter Matson.
That someone like Gail is unable to place a novel she felt strongly enough about to take on in the first place is kind of scary. I have been extraordinarily lucky in having my work published (except for the two in the drawer), but even so, I feel more and more dubious with each new book that it will ever see print and covers.
I am of an age now where my future as an author is limited by the necessities of biology and chronology. But I think that the world of writing and publishing I have known for most of my life is being unalterably changed into something I will not be able to recognize, nor want to be a part of.
Finally, by the way, I used to have three books in a drawer, but one of them, pulled out twenty years after I wrote it, will probably be my next published book. There is always a chance.
If you ever do figure out who to talk to, let me know. Meanwhile, that mind/body connection, annoying though it is to hear about it, will at the very least help you feel more balanced no matter what the fertility results are. Personally, when I was in that second-baby-attempt mode, if one more person told me to relax and just let it happen, I was ready to commit heinous violent crimes.
And then I relaxed, divorced my husband and had my tubes tied. 🙂 Oddly, for me, that was very, very lucky indeed, so maybe that relaxation BS really does work for getting the luck fairy to do her job.
You’re a beautiful, talented woman, Cari, and you’re doing all the right things to reach those uncontrollable goals. My biggest wish for you is to be super-kind with yourself, no matter what. The rest? It follows how it will follow, and the trick is to ride the wave without falling on your head. I have faith that you’ll not only ride the wave, you’ll invent a way to harness it. Great big hugs to you and your family, and much love as well, cutiepie.
sending good thoughts for you to get lucky soon. come next summer, if we make it back up, will be wishing for a round belly to bless. smiles, amiee
What a strong, brave and beautiful post. My friend Dana Herko wrote a book with a Traditional Chinese doctor about a method of having a baby that is so successful, they had her and the doctor on the Today Show. I don’t care if people think I am crazy–I am sending you light, energy, love and a little magic thrown in. But I bet you won’t need any of it, because you radiate your own, Cari.
That’s a beautiful picture and a beautiful post. Sending you all the good vibes I possibly can for a happy, lucky 2009.
xo
This picture is how I remember my Cari. Love, happiness and health for you, Billy & Thumper
I was just reading this post and it occurred to me to finally leave a comment. Our lives are a bit too uncanny. I have a daughter born on the same day as your son (same year too!!) and my friend also miscarried on her husband’s b-day in the month of July this past summer. Freaky, no?
Much love to you Cari.
If you find out who to talk to about the baby luck could you pass on the information? It’d be appreciated.
Lots of luck with the book and baby number 2.
Dear Cari,
I was just flipping through the computer when I found this blog. I have never commented on a person’s blog before but I felt that I needed to say something. I LOVE to read. After just reading a few paragraphs of your blog I said to myself “this person should write.” You have a way with words. As for the baby situation–just have a little faith. I know how frustrating it is but the medical technology is out there. As a mother of 3 adopted children that is also an option to consider. My children are 24,18, and 17 and I could not love them any more then if I had given birth to them myself and isn’t that the reason you have children–to love them! Good Luck!
Interesting article about future of book publishing business:
http://www.thedailybeast.com/blogs-and-stories/2009-01-08/an-autopsy-of-the-book-business/