The baby I miscarried in May would have been due this past Sunday. I’m feeling surprisingly…okay about it. Much better than I expected to feel. Much, much better than I felt when the due date of the first and second miscarried babies came and went. It helps to have a certain current fetus reminding me of her presence with regular kicks and rolls and hiccups, of course. But it’s not just that being pregnant now dulls the ache of the lost babies. It’s the thought that if I hadn’t had those miscarriages, I wouldn’t now be pregnant with this particular baby. And having already carried her so much longer than I carried those I lost, I’ve bonded with her. I want THIS baby. Fiercely.
It’s good to have reached this place with the miscarriages, but they’ve left their marks. I’m 26 weeks pregnant and I still haven’t totally relaxed, still can’t truly trust that everything will be fine this time. And just to close out a really hard year with one last swift kick in the ass, now I have actual reason for that unease, beyond my history.
Fifth Disease. Fucking Fifth Disease. It was going around the kiddo’s preschool, so my OB ordered some bloodwork to see if I’d already had it in the past (which would mean I am now immune). It’s extremely common in childhood, and she assured me I would most likely be immune. Nope. And then the kiddo came down with symptoms, though it wasn’t totally clear if he had it because he’s a naturally apple-cheeked guy. And then he and I both had a cold that dragged on for two weeks. And then I developed a rash, which our Nurse Practitioner neighbor was fairly certain was Fifth, especially combined with my fatigue and dragging-on cold symptoms.
Yay. It takes 10-14 days for the antibodies to show up in the blood, so we’re in limbo now, waiting until 1/4, when I’ll repeat the bloodwork. And if the bloodwork shows I’ve been exposed to Fifth, there will be weekly ultrasounds to look for signs of anemia in the baby. And if she does become anemic, there will be an in utero blood transfusion.
Even if I did have Fifth, the chances that the baby will become infected are slim, and then the chances that she will get sick are even slimmer, especially since I would have been infected after I passed the 20-week mark. But the chance is still there. I’ve been on the losing side of slim odds before. You know what the odds are that a woman who’s previously carried a normal pregnancy to term will go on to have three unexplained miscarriages in a row? Yeah. Slim. I’m special.
So I’m trying to stay optimistic. Trying to take it one step at a time. Step one is the bloodwork on the 4th. When we have those results, we’ll deal with whatever that brings. Damn, I’m hoping it comes up negative. A thousand different things could have caused a rash, right? And there could have just been unfortunately coincidental timing with the rash and a dragged out cold, yeah? And I’ve been so tired because I’m closing in on third trimester.
Shit.
In the meantime, I’m knitting for the baby as fast as I can. I was afraid to knit for her at all for the longest time, but now I feel like I need to do it to prove that I believe in her, and that I believe I’ll get to hold her, alive and well, come April.
I feel quite certain that this baby knows exactly how much you want to see her. While you’re knitting from the heart, let baby give you reassurance by gymnastics. You and your littlest one are in my thoughts.
So much love to you! I am hoping with all my heart that things turn out well.
That’s rough that the disease was going around! I really hope everything turns out well for you and the baby.
Sigh. I’m glad you’re knitting for her; I feel like it could help somehow.
Yes, knitting for her feels like the most perfect thing that you *can* do. Do you feel like you have private little mental conversations with her? She’ll love knowing that you’re knitting for her. XOXOXOX
my new years wish at midnight will be for you to hold that baby in April. Knit on, as EZ would say, knit on!
Awww geez. You just can’t get a break on this stuff. I’m so sorry you have something new to worry about and I hope you get great bloodwork results on Monday. I’m thinking about you.
Argh. All I can really say is hang in there. My thoughts and prayers are with you!
I’m keeping the faith, and sending good thoughts and love and hugs and every other kind of positive vibe. Much much love to you!
Gah. Much love and good thoughts to the both of you.
I’m sending you the best of my best wishes. I truly hope things work out so that you just breeze right past this.
Fingers crossed for everything being alright!
I’m thinking good thoughts for you and the little one. {{hugs}}
I’m so glad you shared this. It allows all of us who care for you to send all positive and healing vibes that all is and will be well. Just to be clear, even if you have had that illness, there is NO reason Tiny Dancer has to get it. She’s serene and she’ll carry you along to that good place. Knit on, dear one.
Looking forward to that long-delayed cuppa at your cherce of Portland cafes…
Will send positive vibes. I hope very much its not what you fear. I know you want, and honestly deserve, a relaxed uncomplicated pregnancy.
But on the upside, I am close to a very sweet little three year old girl who did indeed receive blood transfusions in utero due to fifths and I have to say, the hardest part is the stress. The treatments weren’t bad, the baby was and is totally, totally fine and gorgeous and smart and sweet. Doctors seem to know what to do and how to handle this particular issue these days. It’s a bummer no doubt, but they are on top of it and they can fix it and that’s a lot better than a lot of things.
And I’m with you on the miscarriage front too. Especially after the birth. It doesn’t go away, of course it doesn’t, but I am so glad to have my Phoebe, the possibility of a sister or brother conceived just a few months before would negate her–and that’s beyond unthinkable now. Its just, you know, it just had to be her.
How horrible to be in a limbo like that not knowing. My prayers are with you. I SO want you to have this baby!
Toes and fingers crossed for you both.
Cari, I know everything is going to be fine for you and your little lassie. I’m sending lots of love and light, Caroline
Damn, I feel for you. The worrying and not knowing is often the hardest. I hope it all goes well for your family. Take care, Sharon
Sending lots of good thoughts to you and the baby. I would tell you not to worry, but that’s just ridiculous.
That baby is healthy & she’s going to be in your arms in no time. Fingers crossed about the blood test.
Take a deep breath. Remember that nothing you can do right now this minute will change things. Knit. Repeat as needed.
I’m hoping everything is ok for you and the little one.
I will be thinking of you and wish you all the best. And I understand the feelings you spoke of at the beginning of the post. I lost our first baby in the sixth month of pregnancy. Almost exactly a year later I had a healthy baby girl. When that little girl says, “Mom, it’s OK that you lost the other baby since you got me. Right?” I have to tell her that two contradictory things are true. It is not OK that I lost the first baby and I would trade my little girl for the world.
I join the chorus of well wishers for you and your baby.
I believe, too! You’ll dress her in handknits and your family will be 4!!
Happy new year!
I’m so sorry – like you needed a new worry on the list. 🙁
But we ALL believe in this little girl. With this much belief to welcome her, she MUST appear for us.
…I am so looking forward to pictures…
Wishing you good thoughts & even better test results. And as a 37 year old who received an in utero blood transfusion (at approx 28 wks), I just want you to know that it does work out ok. According to my mother, the toughest part was knowing that it needed to happen. It sounds like you and your baby are in excellent hands.
Here’s wishing you the best possible news, and a healthy and happy year ahead.
I hope that the 4th comes quickly for you and your test results are favorable. Wishing you and your baby the best and hoping 2010 is a new year to remember in a good way of course!
Oh what a worry for you! As if you needed it. Here’s to a happy healthy New Year for you and your growing family.
I thought of you when I read this:
http://www.latimes.com/news/opinion/commentary/la-oe-hamilton3-2010jan03,0,1220088.story
…”And when we stop sharing these stories with each other, our understanding of what we are doing in Afghanistan, and why, will necessarily become more narrow.”
For what it’s worth, I believe in her too. Best of luck tomorrow.
Big hugs, my dear. I’m hoping all the odds are in your favor.
Best wishes–and hopes for a healthy and happy new year.
I am sending you my best vibes, too. Be healthy.
thinking of you and little one as you heal. and sending lots of very strong healthy vibes your way.
happy new year. i am quite partial to april babies seeing as mine as graced with that birth month.