Things fall apart
I didn’t want to write a 9/11 post. I don’t want to write about 9/11. It seems unavoidable though. I can’t just skip today and pick up talking about knitting tomorrow. That doesn’t feel right either.
Two years ago today–amazing and impossible that two years have already passed–I saw the first tower burning as I crossed the Manhattan Bridge on the Q train into the city. None of us on the train knew what had happened, but we knew it had to be bad. The consensus in the car was “Looks like a bomb,” and then, “Oh, those poor people.” We could see them falling. And then the train went back into the tunnel at Canal Street and we were left wondering what the hell was going on aboveground. At the time I thought to myself, “If one of the towers is burning, then anything–absolutely anything could be on fire.” Not a unique thought for the day, but that was mine at the time.
The rest of the day for me personally, as for many others, consisted of trying to get home to Brooklyn and expecting to die on the way. I didn’t think the towers were the end of the attack. It made sense that there would be more to come. I was surprised to find at the time that though I was thinking I might very well die that day, I was ok with it.
That feeling didn’t last for more than a few weeks, though, and now I’m every bit as afraid of death as I’d always been. When the lights went out the other week my first thought was of another attack. Today I’m staying in Brooklyn, because I’m nervous about getting on the subway and going into Manhattan on the anniversary. It’s not a daily, conscious fear, but it’s there. I don’t dwell on it. I don’t let it rule my life. I continue to live in this city, and love this city. Today I’m going to give in to it, though. No subway.
And in this midst of this fear, life goes on as it has for the past two years. I’ve reached a breaking point in my novel. The point that my wonderful teacher, Michael Cunningham, insists every novel-in-progress reaches. It’s the point where the whole damn thing falls apart. It refuses to conform to your idea of what it was supposed to be and demands to be something else entirely. I could draw parallels here between this point in the writing process and what happened when our sense of what was possible in the world and in our lives broke down on 9/11, but that just seems ridiculous. It’ll be less painful trying to work on my broken-down novel today, because in the face of today’s memories I can see it for the small, small thing that it is.
One more thought, something that has stayed with me since the days immediately following the attacks. I’m a Buddhist. Forgive the Chan digression here, but those of you who also study Chan (Zen) may find this helpful. Perhaps some of you who do not will too. After the attacks, my teacher, Master Sheng-yen, said that if the terrorists had understood that the Twin Towers were fundamentally empty, they would not have attacked them. He said that the terrorists were victims too.
I’m glad you wrote. Thank you.
Posted by: Rachael
I agree. Thank you for sharing your memory and reflections.
Posted by: Em
Sitting underground and listening to the announcements on the trains this morning for the two anniversary minutes just completely hollowed me out; your post filled everything back up a bit. The idea in your last graph is a far braver thing than taking a subway today. Thank you.
Posted by: Andrea
The terrorists were victims of a ideology that is so completely “OFF”.
I wonder why it is that suicide bombers are always younger men. Could it be the older men know better? Could it be the older men have brain washed the younger to do their dirty deeds? If it’s such a good thing to sacrifice your life, why aren’t the older men doing it? Hmmmm
Posted by: Ruth in Houston
Thank you for sharing your thoughts today. It helped me to understand how I’m feeling myself. It’s a day you can remember only with shock when you live here in NYC. A friend who lived here 2 years ago has since moved to the west coast, and she writes that, to people out there, it’s no big deal. They didn’t experience what we did and can’t imagine why we still feel the way we do. I can only pray it never happens out there, and they’re never forced to feel it the way we do. Perhaps one day I’ll be able to think of the terrorists as victims. Today I can’t.
Posted by: Mary
Thanks Cari, for sharing. I am a native NY’er (Brooklyn gal!) who lives in DC area now, so I feel it on two levels, but down here it doesn’t seem quite as raw as it does there. Good thought from Master Sheng-yen too.
Posted by: Kristine
I too, agonized. To post or not to post. About knitting? What to say, what to leave out….
Thank you for your lovely post. I love it that we are next to each other in the Grammar Avengers queue 🙂
Peace be with you
Posted by: greta
I’m glad you wrote. Thank you.
Posted by: Rachael
I agree. Thank you for sharing your memory and reflections.
Posted by: Em
Sitting underground and listening to the announcements on the trains this morning for the two anniversary minutes just completely hollowed me out; your post filled everything back up a bit. The idea in your last graph is a far braver thing than taking a subway today. Thank you.
Posted by: Andrea
The terrorists were victims of a ideology that is so completely “OFF”.
I wonder why it is that suicide bombers are always younger men. Could it be the older men know better? Could it be the older men have brain washed the younger to do their dirty deeds? If it’s such a good thing to sacrifice your life, why aren’t the older men doing it? Hmmmm
Posted by: Ruth in Houston
Thank you for sharing your thoughts today. It helped me to understand how I’m feeling myself. It’s a day you can remember only with shock when you live here in NYC. A friend who lived here 2 years ago has since moved to the west coast, and she writes that, to people out there, it’s no big deal. They didn’t experience what we did and can’t imagine why we still feel the way we do. I can only pray it never happens out there, and they’re never forced to feel it the way we do. Perhaps one day I’ll be able to think of the terrorists as victims. Today I can’t.
Posted by: Mary
Thanks Cari, for sharing. I am a native NY’er (Brooklyn gal!) who lives in DC area now, so I feel it on two levels, but down here it doesn’t seem quite as raw as it does there. Good thought from Master Sheng-yen too.
Posted by: Kristine
I too, agonized. To post or not to post. About knitting? What to say, what to leave out….
Thank you for your lovely post. I love it that we are next to each other in the Grammar Avengers queue 🙂
Peace be with you
Posted by: greta