Sabotaging myself, just to keep things interesting
Things people who know me in the real world could tell you about me:
1. I’m very independent. Fiercely, grumpily independent.
2. I’m stubborn.
3. See numbah one.
4. I have a somewhat exaggerated sense of what I can accomplish in a twenty-four-hour period and will forego rest to meet those expectations.
5. See numbah two again. And numbah one, while you’re at it.
6. My schedule is insane, as a rule. Mostly I like it that way.
7. I’m a New Yorker for a reason. I move fast. I cram a lot of things into a little space, cram a lot of activities into limited time. (Slow-moving tourists walking five damn people across at a slow stroll as if no one in the city had any damn where to be because YOU are on vacation? Yes, I will explain the error of your ways as I push past you. Excuse my shoulder. Of course that was an accident.)
What I learned the hard way this weekend? None of these things really go well with pregnancy. Mothers around me have told me my body is no longer my own. Many of you kind readers have told me the same. Yes, makes perfect sense intellectually. Emotionally? I’ve cringed every time I’ve heard it. My body no longer being my own means giving up a lot of control. And yes, I’m sure this is only the beginning of all the control I will be giving up through the pregnancy and then as a mother. And no, I’m not adjusting to that gracefully.
I’m thrilled about the baby (and terrified). I’m thrilled that I’m going to be a mom (and friggin’ terrified). Let’s just say I’m not taking to the whole thing with Earth Motherly grace. Good for those of you who did or are doing so.
I’ve been a vegetarian for seventeen years, and have always eaten very well so that didn’t require any real changes (except giving up my beloved moldy cheeses. Sniff). I don’t drink at all, so didn’t have to give that up for the baby. Until last week, I still have a cup of coffee a day. There really weren’t that many changes that I’d had to make so far. Yeah, I’ve been really tired, but otherwise… First trimester looked an awful lot like my pre-pregnant life–except that I was living it in roomier pants and finally getting to sleep at a decent hour.
Well. The universe and the baby joined forces to give me quite the wake-up call this weekend. I worked all week, both at the part-time day job and the freelance work. I went to three doctor appointments, ran a million errands, and did holiday shopping. I saw friends for holiday dinner-type obligations. I stayed up too late a few times. Normal stuff. On Saturday morning I went to a prenatal yoga class. I’d practiced yoga for years, as well as martial arts. Went to the gym (yawn). I’m a reasonably active, fit person. Except for this one thing I failed to take into account: I hadn’t done any exercise at all, except for two measly gym visits and a good amount of walking, for the entire first trimester, because I’d been too tired. Guess what happens when you take an hour and a half long yoga class after three months of nothing?
Felt great all through class. Got home feeling tired. Lay down on couch. Stayed on couch for six hours, unable to get up to go to the dining room for the dinner Billy made. He brought the dinner to me in the living room. Get this: I couldn’t even knit. I crawled up to bed after dinner and stayed there until nine Sunday morning. Nine a.m. Sunday morning and I felt like I’d been hit by a truck. Little voice from somewhere beneath my belly button crept up into my brain and said, “Excuse me? Mom? One of us in this body is supposed to be the responsible adult who takes care of both of us and I may be a fetus but I’m pretty damn sure it isn’t ME who’s in charge. So…uh… could we stay in bed today?” And then the voice muttered something about karma and having hoped for a more sensible mom.
I had to miss Valentina’s baby shower, which I’d really been looking forward to. But I did it. I rested yesterday. And today I feel mostly better, and just a normal level of soreness from the yoga class.
Yes, I’ve learned my lesson. I think.
Ok, I don’t have kids – yet, but I too am already freaked! I just keep reminding myself that women have done this since the beginning and if they can deal so can I…I’m a New Yorker Damnit! Oh and those tourists – I totally understand, it doesn’t help that I work near the Empire State building…I’ve learned how to weave very well!
Posted by: Marie
Ok, I don’t have kids – yet, but I too am already freaked! I just keep reminding myself that women have done this since the beginning and if they can deal so can I…I’m a New Yorker Damnit! Oh and those tourists – I totally understand, it doesn’t help that I work near the Empire State building…I’ve learned how to weave very well!
Posted by: Marie
It is hard to accept that you have to slow down and that you aren’t the only one in your body anymore.
Posted by: Annette
I *so* hear you on the being too tired to knit thing. The thing I find really funny now is that it feels like I have my energy back, yet my body automatically works at a slower pace – walking, getting up from sitting, getting out of bed – all happen at a snail’s pace. And I’m not even that big yet. I think your internal functions will start to take over soon and you’ll slow down without having to make a conscious decision to do so. That’s what happened to me, anyway. Pregnant Ladies Unite!
Posted by: melanie
Get your rest now! You will need it for the third trimester when the baby is kicking your bladder all night & you have to get up ten times to pee! Seriously – take care of yourself. 🙂
Posted by: stephanie
Awwww, poor Cari. It’s hard to adjust to all these changes, I remember what it was like. But you’re going to be a great mom and that starts NOW. Be good to yourself. And your baby, too.
Posted by: Carole
I’ve started asking myself lately: “Am I being a good grownup?” This is to check my behavior when I’m being reactive. I’m still not very good at being a grown up and my babies are 11 and 9.
It gets easier, as I master one set of skills, and then it gets harder again as I realize I have yet more to learn. Thankfully, I am capable of learning.
Posted by: LaurieM
It’s hard to fathom your body not being your own. Slow down and take it easy. You’ll not be able to do so when the baby comes along.
Posted by: Gina
Oh, Cari. I hate that tired feeling, and I can’t even imagine that level of tiredness. I’m sure you will adjust eventually, but sending you lots of energy vibes while you’re adjusting. 🙂
Posted by: Carrie
As un-funny as complete and total exhaustion can be, this was a funny post. Smiling… I’m just smiling – not really laughing. 🙂
And your body is too still yours. You will just decide that you won’t make it do what it doesn’t want to do. Is that how I’ve been fooling myself all these years? Saying I’m in control when I’m really not? Don’t tell me that now. Really not a good idea. There are things happening that are a little out of your control – but you can control the way you respond to them. THAT’s what it is – okay, yeah. Whew.
Just wait (how often have those words been in your blog comments and email over the past two weeks?)…. JUST WAIT… until you decide to nurse this baby. Then your body really won’t belong to you any more. And breasts are no longer considered private parts. 🙂
Posted by: Laura
We missed you yesterday! But resting up is important.
Posted by: Jackie
Oh, the lessons. Whatever lessons you’ve learned or lessons you still need to learn, I’m SURE you’ll do it with ease, grace, and maturity. That’s why I love me some Cari (and Cari/Billy Jr. Or chico/chica, or ……
Posted by: john
Awww everyone here is so sweet! OK, I’ll be the meanie to roar with laughter and say “you ain’t seen nothing yet!” Like you, I was totally appalled at the changes pregnancy wreaked on my independence, my schedule, and unfortunately, on my intelligence, but I can tell ya, it’s nothing to what those first couple of months post-partum are like, once the pain pills they give you wear off.
However, none of that seems to matter when you have that little darling in your arms. There’s nothing like it in the world. I don’t know how we ever got along in life before we had kids.
Posted by: Gabrielle Adams
I was Grumpy, Sleepy, Sneezy and a few other of the dwarves when I was pregnant. Actually, I think there should be an eighth dwarf: Nutty. There’s a reason my second husband is glad, though he doesn’t know this from experience, that my babymaking days are over. He thinks I’m nutty now…whooooooboy, trips to the bathroom weren’t the only thing amplified times ten by being pregnant 😉
Sleeeeepy…you are getting sleeeeepy…(I’m swinging my spindle in your general direction, hoping you’ll get your rest ;-))
Posted by: Lee Ann
Ah, the fetus is speaking already, eh? Excellent.
Posted by: Em
I had to laugh about numbah 7 – I spent an awful lot of time cursing at tourists.
Glad you’re feeling better. It sounds like you’ve learned your lesson. 😉
Posted by: Cassie
I’m sure the baby’s karma is doing just fine. You two just have to adapt to each other, is all . . .
Posted by: –Deb
(I know, I know, easy for me to say–puppies do not exert the same physiological changes on their human Moms that babies do . . . even if there is a sleep-deprivation thing there . . . and even that goes away fairly quickly. (There’s a reason we leave puppies with their canine Moms for the first 7 weeks or so.) But really, I’m thinking the Karma thing is going to work out just right, no matter what that little voice under your belly button is grumbling!)
Posted by: –Deb
Hope you are able to take it a little bit easy, and are feeling much better!
Posted by: pippy
Babies do have a way of letting mom know it’s time to slow down, don’t they? I think i may have mentioned that before I knew that I was pregnant with Noah, I thought I had some awful illness. I have always had an incredible amount of energy, and suddenly I felt as though I was in a semi-comatose state (though I ached too much to actually be in a coma). That said, you will probably regain a lot of your stamina as your second trimester progresses. But by all means, keep getting your rest and definitely avoid sidewalk-blocking, mall-walking tourists. It really does get better in the second trimester. Honest.
Posted by: regina
Of all the pregnant ladies I’ve known, both planned and unplanned, *way* more of them have these feelings that you are expressing, rather than some hallmark greeting card earth mother BS. Fetal invasion of the uterus takes some major adjustment, even when that fetus is as witty and beautiful as yours is! I can tell that just from the sonogram – they teach us in nursing school 🙂
Posted by: sarah g.
Oh Cari, that sounds sooo familiar. Big hug from here.
Posted by: marrije
Delurking, I had to comment on the being too tired to move for food – it’s brought back so many memories. My last pregnancy I’d finish work, pick up the kids, go shopping, get home ready to cook them a meal from scratch. End up popping sausages and chips in the oven and putting frozen vegetables in the microwave, crawling into bed waiting for my partner to come home in time to save a burning dinner. Those first few months the kids ate lots of vegetables, and not much else.
Posted by: jen
Any woman who thinks she’s handling pregnancy with Earth Motherly Grace is either lying to herself, or has already lost touch with reality. I remember telling someone once that my mood swings hadn’t been bad, and my husband nearly choking on his disbelief and laughter that I actually believed that. Let’s face it; A lot of things about pregnancy are not a whole bunch of fun. But oh, some moments – like seeing the sonogram and hearing that heartbeat – some moments are really, really great. And there’s no beating the prize you get at the end of it!
Posted by: Rachel H
Sleep is a precious commodity to a mom. Get as much of it as you can now, while it is excusable. Once the kid pops out, you won’t feel fully rested again until college!
Posted by: Dani
It is hard to accept that you have to slow down and that you aren’t the only one in your body anymore.
Posted by: Annette
I *so* hear you on the being too tired to knit thing. The thing I find really funny now is that it feels like I have my energy back, yet my body automatically works at a slower pace – walking, getting up from sitting, getting out of bed – all happen at a snail’s pace. And I’m not even that big yet. I think your internal functions will start to take over soon and you’ll slow down without having to make a conscious decision to do so. That’s what happened to me, anyway. Pregnant Ladies Unite!
Posted by: melanie
Get your rest now! You will need it for the third trimester when the baby is kicking your bladder all night & you have to get up ten times to pee! Seriously – take care of yourself. 🙂
Posted by: stephanie
Awwww, poor Cari. It’s hard to adjust to all these changes, I remember what it was like. But you’re going to be a great mom and that starts NOW. Be good to yourself. And your baby, too.
Posted by: Carole
I’ve started asking myself lately: “Am I being a good grownup?” This is to check my behavior when I’m being reactive. I’m still not very good at being a grown up and my babies are 11 and 9.
It gets easier, as I master one set of skills, and then it gets harder again as I realize I have yet more to learn. Thankfully, I am capable of learning.
Posted by: LaurieM
It’s hard to fathom your body not being your own. Slow down and take it easy. You’ll not be able to do so when the baby comes along.
Posted by: Gina
Oh, Cari. I hate that tired feeling, and I can’t even imagine that level of tiredness. I’m sure you will adjust eventually, but sending you lots of energy vibes while you’re adjusting. 🙂
Posted by: Carrie
As un-funny as complete and total exhaustion can be, this was a funny post. Smiling… I’m just smiling – not really laughing. 🙂
And your body is too still yours. You will just decide that you won’t make it do what it doesn’t want to do. Is that how I’ve been fooling myself all these years? Saying I’m in control when I’m really not? Don’t tell me that now. Really not a good idea. There are things happening that are a little out of your control – but you can control the way you respond to them. THAT’s what it is – okay, yeah. Whew.
Just wait (how often have those words been in your blog comments and email over the past two weeks?)…. JUST WAIT… until you decide to nurse this baby. Then your body really won’t belong to you any more. And breasts are no longer considered private parts. 🙂
Posted by: Laura
We missed you yesterday! But resting up is important.
Posted by: Jackie
Oh, the lessons. Whatever lessons you’ve learned or lessons you still need to learn, I’m SURE you’ll do it with ease, grace, and maturity. That’s why I love me some Cari (and Cari/Billy Jr. Or chico/chica, or ……
Posted by: john
Awww everyone here is so sweet! OK, I’ll be the meanie to roar with laughter and say “you ain’t seen nothing yet!” Like you, I was totally appalled at the changes pregnancy wreaked on my independence, my schedule, and unfortunately, on my intelligence, but I can tell ya, it’s nothing to what those first couple of months post-partum are like, once the pain pills they give you wear off.
However, none of that seems to matter when you have that little darling in your arms. There’s nothing like it in the world. I don’t know how we ever got along in life before we had kids.
Posted by: Gabrielle Adams
I was Grumpy, Sleepy, Sneezy and a few other of the dwarves when I was pregnant. Actually, I think there should be an eighth dwarf: Nutty. There’s a reason my second husband is glad, though he doesn’t know this from experience, that my babymaking days are over. He thinks I’m nutty now…whooooooboy, trips to the bathroom weren’t the only thing amplified times ten by being pregnant 😉
Sleeeeepy…you are getting sleeeeepy…(I’m swinging my spindle in your general direction, hoping you’ll get your rest ;-))
Posted by: Lee Ann
Ah, the fetus is speaking already, eh? Excellent.
Posted by: Em
I had to laugh about numbah 7 – I spent an awful lot of time cursing at tourists.
Glad you’re feeling better. It sounds like you’ve learned your lesson. 😉
Posted by: Cassie
I’m sure the baby’s karma is doing just fine. You two just have to adapt to each other, is all . . .
Posted by: –Deb
(I know, I know, easy for me to say–puppies do not exert the same physiological changes on their human Moms that babies do . . . even if there is a sleep-deprivation thing there . . . and even that goes away fairly quickly. (There’s a reason we leave puppies with their canine Moms for the first 7 weeks or so.) But really, I’m thinking the Karma thing is going to work out just right, no matter what that little voice under your belly button is grumbling!)
Posted by: –Deb
Hope you are able to take it a little bit easy, and are feeling much better!
Posted by: pippy
Babies do have a way of letting mom know it’s time to slow down, don’t they? I think i may have mentioned that before I knew that I was pregnant with Noah, I thought I had some awful illness. I have always had an incredible amount of energy, and suddenly I felt as though I was in a semi-comatose state (though I ached too much to actually be in a coma). That said, you will probably regain a lot of your stamina as your second trimester progresses. But by all means, keep getting your rest and definitely avoid sidewalk-blocking, mall-walking tourists. It really does get better in the second trimester. Honest.
Posted by: regina
Of all the pregnant ladies I’ve known, both planned and unplanned, *way* more of them have these feelings that you are expressing, rather than some hallmark greeting card earth mother BS. Fetal invasion of the uterus takes some major adjustment, even when that fetus is as witty and beautiful as yours is! I can tell that just from the sonogram – they teach us in nursing school 🙂
Posted by: sarah g.
Oh Cari, that sounds sooo familiar. Big hug from here.
Posted by: marrije
Delurking, I had to comment on the being too tired to move for food – it’s brought back so many memories. My last pregnancy I’d finish work, pick up the kids, go shopping, get home ready to cook them a meal from scratch. End up popping sausages and chips in the oven and putting frozen vegetables in the microwave, crawling into bed waiting for my partner to come home in time to save a burning dinner. Those first few months the kids ate lots of vegetables, and not much else.
Posted by: jen
Any woman who thinks she’s handling pregnancy with Earth Motherly Grace is either lying to herself, or has already lost touch with reality. I remember telling someone once that my mood swings hadn’t been bad, and my husband nearly choking on his disbelief and laughter that I actually believed that. Let’s face it; A lot of things about pregnancy are not a whole bunch of fun. But oh, some moments – like seeing the sonogram and hearing that heartbeat – some moments are really, really great. And there’s no beating the prize you get at the end of it!
Posted by: Rachel H
Sleep is a precious commodity to a mom. Get as much of it as you can now, while it is excusable. Once the kid pops out, you won’t feel fully rested again until college!
Posted by: Dani
It is hard to make these small changes. I was exercising pretty regularly before pg. I’m a little bit afraid to go back to the gym! Back to zero! Ugh. I’m glad you had a rest day, though. That sounds heavenly. 🙂
Posted by: Karma
*This* is going to be wildly entertaining.
/gets popcorn/
Posted by: claudia
Congrats on being pregnant! My friend who is still in the first trimester is going through the same thing. Good luck and get some rest!
Posted by: Liz
I don’t know if I have already mentioned this book to you, but your honest entries are totally appreciated by this baby-fearer.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000BSFQO6/103-6389077-6323834?v=glance=283155
It is actually funny. And alarmingly forthright. Not self-helpy at all. I’m years away from kids (I hope) but I’m already steeling myself with books like these.
I wanted to tell you something you may find amusing. Often when I’m at work at my computer I will need to head over to dictionary.com to check a word. Well, the minute I hit the ‘d’ key your blog pops up in my history and I go there instead! I think this is very fitting since you are a wordsmith.
Posted by: Cirilia
I know exactly how you feel. I am 6 months pregnant…. ran a half marathon last january- but now i can barely make it up a flight of stairs without huffing and puffing! just like being on a diet, i have yearnings to rollerblade and to run farther than i ever did in a fit state! Weekends are great now that i haev slowed myself down- naps on the couch with knitting in between!
Posted by: shelle schiffer
Earth Motherly Grace is overrated.
🙂
Posted by: alison
Oh, dear. Just remember that you’re not really resting — you’re making a tiny human being. Every moment, you’re making fingers and toes and lungs and a billion other parts. Even when your eyes are closed, you are working. Freelancing, book writing, and part-time jobs ain’t got nothing on this.
Your body is still yours (even if you soon barely recognize it), but just respect the job it’s doing.
And you’ll have to introduce me to one of these Earth Mothers. I’ve never known any. 🙂
Posted by: Frith
hey. i know you are getting advice/stories from everyone, but….hardest thing i did- which became the easist thing i did- was relinquish control and pay attention to the little being in my belly that said- stop everything and rest. blew off a visiting scholar position, because I just couldn’t get to the office. probably not the best career move, but i really had no choice. and i can’t tell you how many glasses of water matt had to bring me because i couldn’t get up and walk to the kitchen myself!
take care of you.
Posted by: rebecca
That is so true, what Frith said. Your body is working hard. Plus, when we’re pregnant, our cartilage softens up, so our hip joints can flex to accomodate baby mass. But it’s not selective, ALL our joints are somewhat looser, which could partly account for your pain.
With both of mine, I fell asleep for the first three months, woke up for the middle, and slept again for the last three.
Posted by: Patti
I definitely wouldn’t call myself an earth mother, and I resented a lot of what pregnancy did to my body the first time (including ending up with feet that were a size bigger) but the ferociously fierce love I feel for my two “babies” helps offset all that!
Posted by: Marie
I have found that the key to the whole thing, particularly once the little darling arrives, is to retain your sense of humor. Pregnancy and motherhood move at a much slower pace. I still have to remind myself that I need to try to leave the house at least half and hour before I need to leave the house to account for using the potty and that last sip of water and the sixteen other things that will eat up that half hour. I also had to learn to relax a bit about being on time. It won’t kill anyone if I’m five minutes late. Not even me. Really.
Posted by: Liz
I can really relate to all of this. I’m about 4 months along and been too tired and unfocused to knit. (and in my line of work, that poses a serious problem.) When I do try, I end up making small mistakes and pulling out what I’ve just done. My husband is laughing at me while I write this because it is true!
My coffee drinking was completely abandoned in the first trimester, but now I’ve become fixated with Starbucks Egg Nog Lattes. I swear that any weight that I’ve gained has been due to that. And I wonder if I would like these as much if I wasn’t pregnant??
Hang in there.
Posted by: handmaiden
It is hard to make these small changes. I was exercising pretty regularly before pg. I’m a little bit afraid to go back to the gym! Back to zero! Ugh. I’m glad you had a rest day, though. That sounds heavenly. 🙂
Posted by: Karma
*This* is going to be wildly entertaining.
/gets popcorn/
Posted by: claudia
Congrats on being pregnant! My friend who is still in the first trimester is going through the same thing. Good luck and get some rest!
Posted by: Liz
I don’t know if I have already mentioned this book to you, but your honest entries are totally appreciated by this baby-fearer.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000BSFQO6/103-6389077-6323834?v=glance=283155
It is actually funny. And alarmingly forthright. Not self-helpy at all. I’m years away from kids (I hope) but I’m already steeling myself with books like these.
I wanted to tell you something you may find amusing. Often when I’m at work at my computer I will need to head over to dictionary.com to check a word. Well, the minute I hit the ‘d’ key your blog pops up in my history and I go there instead! I think this is very fitting since you are a wordsmith.
Posted by: Cirilia
I know exactly how you feel. I am 6 months pregnant…. ran a half marathon last january- but now i can barely make it up a flight of stairs without huffing and puffing! just like being on a diet, i have yearnings to rollerblade and to run farther than i ever did in a fit state! Weekends are great now that i haev slowed myself down- naps on the couch with knitting in between!
Posted by: shelle schiffer
Earth Motherly Grace is overrated.
🙂
Posted by: alison
Oh, dear. Just remember that you’re not really resting — you’re making a tiny human being. Every moment, you’re making fingers and toes and lungs and a billion other parts. Even when your eyes are closed, you are working. Freelancing, book writing, and part-time jobs ain’t got nothing on this.
Your body is still yours (even if you soon barely recognize it), but just respect the job it’s doing.
And you’ll have to introduce me to one of these Earth Mothers. I’ve never known any. 🙂
Posted by: Frith
hey. i know you are getting advice/stories from everyone, but….hardest thing i did- which became the easist thing i did- was relinquish control and pay attention to the little being in my belly that said- stop everything and rest. blew off a visiting scholar position, because I just couldn’t get to the office. probably not the best career move, but i really had no choice. and i can’t tell you how many glasses of water matt had to bring me because i couldn’t get up and walk to the kitchen myself!
take care of you.
Posted by: rebecca
That is so true, what Frith said. Your body is working hard. Plus, when we’re pregnant, our cartilage softens up, so our hip joints can flex to accomodate baby mass. But it’s not selective, ALL our joints are somewhat looser, which could partly account for your pain.
With both of mine, I fell asleep for the first three months, woke up for the middle, and slept again for the last three.
Posted by: Patti
I definitely wouldn’t call myself an earth mother, and I resented a lot of what pregnancy did to my body the first time (including ending up with feet that were a size bigger) but the ferociously fierce love I feel for my two “babies” helps offset all that!
Posted by: Marie
I have found that the key to the whole thing, particularly once the little darling arrives, is to retain your sense of humor. Pregnancy and motherhood move at a much slower pace. I still have to remind myself that I need to try to leave the house at least half and hour before I need to leave the house to account for using the potty and that last sip of water and the sixteen other things that will eat up that half hour. I also had to learn to relax a bit about being on time. It won’t kill anyone if I’m five minutes late. Not even me. Really.
Posted by: Liz
I can really relate to all of this. I’m about 4 months along and been too tired and unfocused to knit. (and in my line of work, that poses a serious problem.) When I do try, I end up making small mistakes and pulling out what I’ve just done. My husband is laughing at me while I write this because it is true!
My coffee drinking was completely abandoned in the first trimester, but now I’ve become fixated with Starbucks Egg Nog Lattes. I swear that any weight that I’ve gained has been due to that. And I wonder if I would like these as much if I wasn’t pregnant??
Hang in there.
Posted by: handmaiden