It’s four a.m. and I can’t sleep. In two weeks or less, this baby will be born. She’ll be born via c-section, either on April 5th, as we’ve scheduled, two days before her official due date, or sooner if she decides she’s in a hurry. I’ve been fine about the birth up to this point in the pregnancy. Pretty nonchalant about it. But only because I haven’t been giving it much thought, intentionally. It was a far-off thing, to be dealt with later, and there was so much else to get through first.
But here I am now. It could be any time. And I’m finding that I’m scared. Not because it’s unknown… I’ve been here once before. I’m scared because of what I’ve already known of childbirth.
I didn’t write much on this blog about Thumper’s birth or its aftermath. I never told his birth story. Before he was born, I’d fully expected to do so, but it went so very far from the birth I’d hoped and planned for that I just couldn’t write it. (Which should have been my first clue that I needed help dealing with it, but it took me a long time to come to that realization.) I’m not going to get into the blow-by-blow now, nearly four years later. It basically boils down to this:
The plan was for a natural delivery in a hospital. I was in labor with Thumper for four days, at home with Billy and my mom and a terrific doula. Contractions would get to three minutes apart for an hour and then stall out continuously over those four days. There was never more than fifteen minutes between contractions, though, so there was not enough of a pattern to go to the hospital, but there was also no way I was able to sleep at all for those three nights. Then we finally went to the hospital and I was in labor in there for another nine hours, unmedicated. Then there was moderate meconium staining when my water broke, and not-great readings on the fetal heartrate monitor. I got some pitocin and an epidural and went another six hours. Interventions followed. They screwed a monitor into the baby’s scalp. Yes. With a tiny screw. Tubes everywhere. I think maybe the catheter came at this point, though it’s a blur. I felt like the fucking Borg. Thanks to the epidural, I finally got some sleep. I woke up when they needed to give me a shot of adrenalin because my heart rate dropped. The baby’s heart rate showed distress. It was decided it was time for a c-section, and that’s how Thumper was born, at 7:59 am on the fifth day.
I had a beautiful, healthy baby boy who latched on perfectly to nurse on the very first try. I also had a six-inch incision, tubes coming out of me from all directions, a foley bag, and itching from the narcotics so bad I wanted to peel my skin off. We got through it. We went home. I recovered. Kinda.
The physical recovery was easy. I was up and around in no time. Emotionally?
You know…I called 911 when Thumper was six weeks old, because I thought my throat was closing from an allergic reaction to something I’d eaten. I was home alone with the baby. A firetruck pulled up in front of the house about thirty seconds after I called. (We lived up the block from a fire house.) The paramedics were right behind them. They took my vitals and determined I was totally fine. They were very kind and patient with me, and no one said, “Idiot, you’re having a panic attack.” In retrospect, I wish they had. I never called 911 again, but I went through the next 17 months thinking I was having heart attacks, feeling like my throat was closing.
(By the way…a fire truck and paramedics pulled up in front of the home of a new mom at six in the evening on a week night, and not a single neighbor called or stopped by after to see if we were okay. I don’t miss New York.)
Finally, when we’d moved to Portland and Thumper was 18 months old, I got some help. Got myself into therapy. Got diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder. Did the work–cognitive behavioral therapy. Got some tools. Got better. I graduated from therapy, haven’t had a panic attack in over two years now.
I’m not having one now.
But the anxiety is creeping back in now, as another birth approaches. One of the main reasons I decided not to try for a VBAC with this birth is that I know that emotionally I couldn’t get through another labor. I believe that the first c-section saved my baby’s life and mine. I truly believe it was medically necessary. So to labor again would be to remember that it almost killed me and my baby last time. That in an earlier time, natural selection would have decided against us. (Childbirth is a natural thing, but dying in childbirth is also a natural thing and used to be extremely common. Which is not to say that all births should be medicalized, but let’s not forget that death is a natural outcome too.) Also, after the first labor, I no longer truly believe in my body’s ability to successfully birth a child. How do you get through labor if you don’t believe you can?
So a second c-section. I feel good about that decision. I haven’t doubted that for a moment. It is what’s right for me. But it comes loaded with baggage, too. They’re going to cut me open again. I’m going to be laid out on a table and I’m going to be numb from the chest down and they’re going to cut me open to take the baby out. I will be the last one in the room to see my baby, and I won’t be able to touch her until they wheel me into the recovery room. Because she won’t get squeezed through the birth canal, she’ll likely have amniotic fluid in her lungs and we’ll have to watch out for that. Thumper started choking on fluid at one point the day after he was born, and his lungs sounded junky for a couple weeks after his delivery.
And there will be the tubes. And the opiate itch. And the incision. The all-liquids diet until I can convince the nurses I’ve passed gas. At which point I’ll be patted on the head and given hospital food for three days. Three days in the hospital. And the night nurses. God, the fucking night nurses. I hope they’re better here in Portland. At NYU they were bullies. But I’m stronger this time, not a first-timer. And I won’t have been sleepless and traumatized and I will not be bullied. Hear that, nurses?
(Why is it that labor and delivery nurses are so often wonderful and maternity-ward nurses so often godawful brutes who treat new moms like ignorant children? Apologies to any maternity nurses reading this. I’m sure you’re among the good ones.)
So…yeah. This baby’s got to come out. I want her to. And now it turns out to be a very lucky thing I hadn’t set my heart on the VBAC, because the baby is transverse breech. C-section it is now, no matter what. I thought I was reconciled to the surgery, but I guess I still have some work to do, which I’d better do fast. I feel better having written here. Much better. Thank you for listening. I think I can sleep now.
Wow!! It’s lovely that you can share that story with us. I totally agree with you about the night nurse thing. It sounds like you’re more ready than you think. You sound strong and prepared. I bet this one will be a piece of cake. We’re really pulling for you. Best wishes.
I know you have the strength to do what is ever necessary. Thumper and the tiny girl are lucky, very lucky, to have such a loving mom.
LOL–watch out night nurses.
Maxly
Sleep well, with sweet dreams. I hope it all goes well: and that it’s a much more positive experience this time.
I understand the terrible night nurses, and I’m a former nurse myself. Rolled the kid in during the night and didn’t check ID bracelets, didn’t hand the baby to me, even though I had a section 6 hours before that. I had to get up and empty my own foley so urine wouldn’t back up into my kidneys. I could go on and on, but suffice it to say I signed out against medical advice (AMA). Be strong and stand up for you rights to be treated decently. You can do it!! I’m sure everyone out there as well as myself believes in you !!
Just having the confidence to write all this out and knowing that you need to work out things means you are going to be in a great place when you give birth. As a home birthing mama confidence in my body was so important; for you it will be confidence of mind. Like you said you’ve done it before. I think I’ve been reading your blog for… Hmmm since before you had your first darling and were still in New York. I was excited that you were moving to Portland (I’m in Salem) because you seem like the kind of awesome person perfect to be an Oregonian. Which is a big compliment and basically means you will do great—and hopefully being here also means nicer nurses. I only know one myself, and she’s a rockstar.
my son was a footling breech, so I was never given the choice of vaginal birth. Not a problem – we both came through it, healthy and well, as I know you and your daughter will.
I’m betting the Portland nurses will rock. And your neighbours now would be over in a heartbeat to see if you need help.
You’re in a good place, and I wish you a good birth experience.
I’m with you about putting this birthing thing off. I’ve told my self at 30 weeks I’ll start getting concerned, but really that’s still too much time. So now at 36 weeks I’ll get all of bubba’s clothes down and washed. That seems like more than enough time to get ready.
If you’re delivering at providence I know they have good milkshakes. But they’re not on the menu, you just order them. I know you aren’t busy enough while you’re there, but you can bring anything in to eat. We brought a lot of our own food and they didn’t give a hoot. I hope it all goes well. If you need a meal brought over let me know. Eric’s a really good cook!
I didn’t personally experience C-Sections, but I practiced GP obstetrics for 7 years and I can tell you that recovering from an elective section is about 1000 times better than recovering from an emergency one after a prolonged traumatic labour. Physically, emotionally… everything. Your body is just so much better equipped to heal, and your mind will be better equipped to take charge of your needs so you don’t feel victimized.
Plus, there can be a big difference in the OR atmosphere and “medicalization” of the babe’s handling when she’s not being hauled out as fast as possible because of distress. I don’t know what the protocols are at your hospital, but I recall many times that a healthy, lustily crying babe was placed on the mom’s chest, and the Dad was sitting at her head (with a curtain across her chest so nobody has to see anything gory). We tried as much as possible to replicate the natural feel, etc. of a vaginal birth.
There’s a slightly greater chance that babe would need to be suctioned and handled by the peds team first because of the lack of squeezing, as you said, but if there haven’t been signs of distress (and meconium is a big one, requiring intensive checking for the possibility of aspiration) it shouldn’t be much more than you’d get with a vaginal birth.
Which is all to say – there’s every reason to believe that this will be a completely different experience than your first birth.
Sending lots of calming, positive vibes your way!
I’ve wondered all this time about Thumper’s birth. What a time you (both) had. I’ve done birth both ways and, for me, the c-section was MUCH easier. And I know just what you mean about the Maternity night nurses – they think no one’s watching!
Every birth is different. Mine was a sort-of planned c-section. The doctor induced labor and tried for a natural delivery, but I had doubts that it would happen. He wasn’t the one that had been seeing the ultrasounds, and the ultrasound people kept telling me that the short person was big. After epidural and laboring for about a day, he came to me and said, “Well, we know we can get the head through, we’re not sure about the shoulders. How about a c-section.” It was fairly calm, I already had the epidural, the hubby was right there next to me, and I remember feeling fairly nauseous, but told the anesthesiologist, and he put some anti-nausea drug and some “I don’t care” drug into the epidural. Things got a bit hazy after that. But the short person was healthy, fine, and except for the occasional cold, usually remains that way.
I am sending you all my best wishes for a much better time of it this go-round.
Hi, long-time reader de-lurking to say: this time will be soooooo much better and easier, and I can say that with absolute confidence because it happened to me. I could have been reading my story with your account of Thumper’s birth, right down to the days in labour and the foetal distress, oh and the planned natural/water birth that went out of the window. I found I had to “mourn” the birth I wanted to have. My second son was scanned at 35 weeks and predicted to be 9lbs plus at 38 weeks, so there was no way anyone was going to let me even attempt a VBAC. In the end he was 10lb 6oz, eek! BUT the whole experience was totally different – I was much less tired, they weren’t cutting through muscles that had been contracting on and off for days, my son wasn’t distressed – and I had written it into my birth plan that he was to be given straight to me to hold. Recovery time was also much much quicker – I was walking around later that evening. Plus you’re so much more relaxed with the second baby because you’ve done it all before. I promise you, it will be much much less awful than you think.
Best wishes, Tricia
Your story made me cry just now. I wish you all the strength and confidence in the world. You did it before, you can do it again.
Both my sons were born at home on our bed, with a midwife in attendance. I wish you could have had that same experience, where nature does what it has to do and takes over your body like it’s supposed to.
But when it doesn’t, that says *absolutely nothing* about your mental strength or your body’s ability to give birth. On the contrary, it means that you are exceptionally strong. C-sections have been around as long as there have been babies. Thank god, we also have hospitals now (even if the night nurses suck). Like I said, you did it before, you can do it again.
Thanks so much for sharing your story. I do think it’s likely that you’re going to have a very different experience this time since you are experienced and your section is planned.
I work with pregnant and postpartum women as a counselor in Portland – in a different medical system, I think, than where you’re delivering. Therefore, I think it’s good to have information – just in case. If you find that you’re experiencing anxiety or depression postpartum, I just wanted to make sure you knew about Baby Blues Connection which offers support groups – run by parents who have had similar experiences. Of course, you also have the counselor you’ve already seen, too.
I love when women share their birth stories, even when and maybe especially when, they aren’t the stuff of our dreams. We have a lot of wisdom and knowledge to pass along to each other. Thanks again.
Wow, what a story. I think you’re going to have a better experience this time around, you’re certainly due for one. I’m sending you all the best wishes I can.
I very rarely comment, but I’ve been checking in on you regularly, hoping that everything is going well with your pregnancy. I’m so sorry to hear about the trauma around Thumper’s birth, but glad to hear you’ve dealt with the anxiety issues it initiated. I’d like to echo some other commenters in that a planned section can (will!) be a much better experience than your previous. My first child was born with intervention due to pre-eclampsia, and I was hoping for a natural birth with my second. My second child turned out to be twins, and then the presenting twin decided to be breech, so a c-section was planned. The twins decided of course not to wait, and in the end it was an emergency c-section under a general anaesthetic due to a very quickly proceeding labour, a footling breech, and concerns re cord prolapse. It’s rather surreal being knocked out, then waking up hours later and being handed your babies, and not what I wanted, but they were fine, I was fine – 2 years later they’re just beautiful (and I was lucky – my nurses were lovely). I do think it’s important for people to remember that the death of babies and mothers during birth used to be commonplace, and I am so very glad that I live in a country, and a time, where I could get the help I needed. Wishing you the best for your birth from the other side of the planet Cari – sending positive thoughts your way.
I had a c-section birth plan that included: not strapping my arms down, putting the baby immediately on my chest while I was being stitched up, using epidural (rather than spinal because of a previous trauma with spinal) anesthesia, not using staples, and having my head elevated during the surgery because I get dizzy when I’m lying flat, and more things I think but I don’t remember. This was 19 months ago, I got what I wanted. The doctors were flexible with me and supportive. You can try to ask about your concerns and see if there’s more flexibility than you expect.
As an aside, I “worked through” my traumatic birth that ended in a c-section under general using counseling and hypnosis. I tried for a vbac with the second. No dice, hard recovery, stressful. (Though I’m totally in support of vbacs, they often have wonderful outcomes.) But in any case I scheduled a c-section with my third and it was a much more comfortable, emotionally safer experience and I had a lot more control because we knew who’d be on call, I spoke with the anesthesiologist about my past experiences, I went over my c-section birth plan with the nurses etc… I had a lot of control and it was a good experience. (And I did, in fact, have to change providers a week before the scheduled c-section to get what I needed. It was worth it.)
So much love and support to you. If you ever need a listener, we’re here for you. And if you need a homemade alternative to hospital food that B can’t cover, you know I’m your girl!
You will be fine, sweetie. You’ve made the Big Decision, and it’s a good one, and you said it yourself — you’ve got the tools and the experience now. It’ll all be fine. XO
Hugs, Cari. Sending good vibes your way!
I hope all goes well this time, and I think it will go much better. I think Ruth has it nailed, and I am hoping what our natural childbirth teacher told us about the metro Seattle area helps out for you, too. She always said that the PNW tends to have much more mom/child friendly hospital protocols, and always tempered her teachings from the book with “not even at hospital so and so will they try that on you, and if they do – its the nurse – ask for a different one.”
We did a 180 from going sans drugs/interventions because I got diagnosed with PreE 1 day post due. Our CNM and very patient transfer hospital played a huge part in how decent we felt with after the “fun” of all those gnarly lifesaving drugs, my much maligned IV tower/catheter pile nicknamed C3PO (it would never stop beeping about something), and 4 days of induction stuff that saved my life and my daughter’s.
I have been trying to work through a bunch of stuff in prep for the next kid, who will be here in 10 wks or less, and hoping to be healthy because between that and my choice of docs, place to birth, and knowledge of what I want different if the meconium hits the fan this time, that’s all I have in my control. I am positive that you and Little Miss Crosswise are going to be fabulous and she’ll be happy to see her family (and I hope the transverse breech means she will have most of her contrariness out of her system by the teenage years. Yeah, right.).
I know that feeling of feeling better after you say/write it out. I’m glad you shared with us–it’s very generous, and helpful to many. I hope everything goes well–and I’m wishing for really great nurses for you. Soon you’ll have a sweet new addition to your family!
My second is due Apr. 10th. I’m trying not to think about the whole thing even though I had a good experience with a natural birth with my first. I think that any outcome with a healthy baby and (relatively) healthy mom is a good outcome. How you get there is less important. The birth itself is only the beginning, it’s the baby’s life we all need to focus on.
I had three traumatic deliveries before having #4 by section, and honestly … it was the best birth of the lot. Ruth is right, protocols are very different if the baby doesn’t need attention for distress; my husband was able to bring 0ur daughter over to me within minutes of her birth, the doc loosened one of my arms so that I could touch her and give her her first kiss. She stayed in her daddy’s arms until I was ready for the recovery room, at which point she went straight to me.
Physically, the recovery was easier in many ways than my previous deliveries. I think you will find that NOT being in labor for days on end makes all the difference.
That said, I remember well how scared I was going into my second delivery. I had flashbacks and anxiety attacks during those last few weeks (hadn’t been smart enough to do the work you did between Thumper’s birth and this new little one). What you’re feeling is normal — and to be expected, after what you went through the first time.
I’m thinking of you ….
Aww hugs Cari. If nothing else you have a better idea of what to expect this time around, which might be more beneficial than you know. Plus given you won’t be tortured with the labor like last time, you might bounce back quicker this time and not need the scary pain meds. My fingers are crossed.
And panic attacks suck, been there, thought I was having a heart attack a few times too. Got medicated, then learned to deal without the medication.
You’re doing great. I’m thinking of you and cannot wait to see pictures of your little darling once she graces you with her presence.
You have a whole bunch of us rooting for all of you.
I had a c-section with Meli because she was breech, but it was planned and the whole thing was a dream.
I’ve also heard that recovery from a planned c-section and recovery from an emergency c-section are night and day. I’ve elected not to do a VBAC as well – I feel kind of guilty about it at times, but it’s what’s best for my family.
And I hear you on the panic attacks. What’s funny for me is that I had them for years and years (and years) and then had a baby and they went poof! As soon as I got pregnant they came back with a vengeance. Here’s hoping we’re both panic/anxiety attack free after our babies are born.
(PS – At our hospital in North Jersey, I was ordering take out the second night – I never had any restrictions on what I could eat and eat I did! I was so happy not to be sick anymore! Hopefully things will be better this time around!)
Big hugs and all the best! I’m excited to virtually meet your baby girl.
I wish I were there so I could run to the hospital, again. I remember how Thumper’s little head smelled like cupcakes and pennies. And you, sweet lady, so exhausted… you passed out mid-sentence.
You’re a strong little mommy. We’ll be thinking good thoughts for all of you.
xo
I have heard a few birth horror stories and I always wonder “why have another?” “Why go through that?”
Years later I think, you’re the strong ones. The good mothers. The parents who wanted those children, who fought for those children, who went through hell for those children. The ones we should thank for maintaining the human race. (Because, really, if it had been up to me; there would be no over-population problem.)
What your commenters say about the ease of a planned section is what we found, also. Our first one was delivered naturally–but was induced, because C’s water started leaking before labor was close to starting. Risk of infection, etc.
We assumed our second would be natural, too–but after not too much pushing, things weren’t progressing the way the doctor wanted, and the baby’s heartrate started dipping during contractions, so: “emergency” section. There really wasn’t time for things to get too dire, and, having had a miscarriage between the two, we did not mind the change at all.
Our third was a planned section, because we’d already had one–but the water broke a day early, because that’s how that baby rolled. But, although we were in the middle of day-before laundry, and even with the additional time and process of C getting her tubes tied, it was all very smooth and peaceful. I held the baby where C could see her the whole time.
You’ll be fine. You’re remembering the fear and trauma of the first time, but when you’re in it this time, you’ll know: you’ve done it before. (The nurses…well, good luck with that.)
Oof. All I can say is that I’ll be thinking positive thoughts for you all–and I’m looking forward to “meeting” the lucky recipient of all the new knitting. You’re a strong woman, with a good man and an incredible son. And soon, you’ll have a beautiful, intelligent, healthy daughter.
thanks for sharing this. don’t really know you, but i’ll be thinking about you in the coming weeks.
Wow. You went through a bad time having Thumper. I had an aunt that thought it was a travesty they let me be in labor with my oldest for 12 hours. My second c-section was a breeze, and the first one wasn’t bad, really. I am sure the nurses in Portland will be much nicer. Portland isn’t NYC. It’s Utopia!
Two words – Intraveneous Ibuprofen . . . I had 2 medically necessary sections with the same catheter/liquid diet/narcotic reactions you had. With my third (planned section) they used an IV ibuprofen – the catheter was out in 3 hours and I had solids less than 6 hours later. It was incredible. And if you have any trouble with nurses – complain – and get a new one. Oh – and I got to hold him while they wheeled me out of the OR & they waited to bathe him until I was ready.
I’m so sorry for the trauma of Thumper’s birth & am glad that you have made the decision that is best for you. Here’s hoping for an uneventful delivery and a wonderful team of nurses supporting you.
You will get through this. It will help that you have dealt with it before, it will help that you have shared with your readers, and know that you are in many thoughts and prayers from the blog-o-verse and in reality. And a little secret? Each birth is unique unto itself. Even with a c-section.
Delurking to let you know that I can understand the anxiety, but hopefully it helps to know that there are a lot of people thinking about you and wishing you well. Personally I can’t wait to hear how Thumper takes to his sister.
It seems that many have had a similar experience- I was not in labor for so long, but my little miss was very stubborn – she never dropped and I never progressed past 2.5cm, so it was a section for us after 16 hours on pitocin.
My hospital let me hold her as soon as she was weighed measured – even while they were still sewing me up, so it’s worth asking if you can. And we got to nurse right away. The worst part for me was my night nurse! She would wake me up at ridiculous hours to yell about how we didn’t have enough lights on, how baby couldn’t sleep with me (even though I was “sitting” up), etc. I asked for an early discharge and got one – so much better to be home.
I don’t know what I will decide for my second, but I think that you are brave for knowing what YOU need to do – it’s so easy to second guess, and I felt like a total failure after not being able to have a natural birth. But in the end, I have a healthy baby and a healthy mommy, which is what matters most!
I, too, can’t wait to virtually “meet” your bambina – she will be so precious – sending all our best wishes!
I had great maternity and l&d nurses in NY (but not NYC- maybe that’s key). It probably helped that they had sons who went to school with my older (HS aged) kids and also that my geek (electrical engineer) husband fixed a fetal monitor that had been awaiting maintenance for several months. One comment one of the nurses made that stuck (probably b/c it sounded so Eliz Zimmerman-ish) was -there’s no right or wrong/ natural or un-natural way to labor or deliver a baby as long as it results in a happy and healthy mama and baby at the end. Best wishes for a healthy, happy (and well rested) Cari and baby dancer.
I had four c-sections. The first one obviously was a lousy surprise, the rest were planned; there is a WORLD of difference between them. The first was miserable, rotten, no-good and crummy; the next two were much better but still “emergency” c-sections because the babies were anxious to get the party started, but the last one was almost pleasant. I got to hold him right there in the delivery room, we were all laughing and joking around, I wasn’t exhausted and miserable from hours of labor, got right back on my feet and discharged early. YMMV of course, but my experience was actually better the second (third, fourth) time around.
My favorite nurse used to say that unless the child came out your nose or ear, it was a perfectly natural birth. Always made me laugh. 🙂
I, too, deal with extreme anxiety – especially at particular points in life that always make perfect sense . . . in hindsight. I haven’t yet combined my anxiety with having a baby, but I can only imagine. I’ll be thinking about you and her, for sure.
It’s taken me nearly two years to admit and truly believe that a c-section saved my son’s life (born emergency at 37 weeks, I didn’t see him for 12 hours)…there is so much baggage with births, no matter how they go, and holy shit they can go so many ways. And if you weren’t a little anxious you would be, I dunno, crazy? Breathe, breathe, breathe.
Just listening, learning and sending you good energy from up the coast.
Haven’t responded to you in awhile (years probably) although I have been reading all the while. I had a similar experience to your first labor and planed a second c-section for the second babe. I had a doubt or two, but never have regretted the decision. It is far better to have a live, healthy baby than some beautiful birth experience that doesn’t end well. The second c-section is nothing like the first– nor is the infant experience. The first baby needs so much attention that you will be relieved to find that the infant care is peanuts compared to the toddler/pre-schooler. You know what is ahead this time, so no worries. Healthy baby, that is all that matters.
Those last few weeks of waiting for labor to start were horrendous even as a first time mom without any baggage. I hadn’t realized Thumper’s birth was so scary and difficult. I think, though, with all of the experience you gained last time (however hard-won) that you’re in a great position to have a planned, happy, empowered birth. You know the negatives and can plan for them (mitigate them, even) instead of being shocked by them.
As an experienced mom, this advice may be less helpful to you, but in the last few weeks of pregnancy several people told me to focus on and read up on newborns — breastfeeding tips and troubleshooting, weird skin things, coping mechanisms for sleep deprivation (probably even more important for you with Thumper), finding a great sling or baby carrier. The advice was for every moment spent wondering, worrying and researching the birth, to spend that much on newborns. I found it really helped distract a bit, and put the birth into perspective (hard with an ever-growing stomach) — it was just a difficult but brief transition to this new little life. It helped me a lot — hope it’s useful for you, too.
I feel very guilty about leaving a comment now, when I’ve been reading your blog but not commenting for years. I had a c-section with my first child and the trauma followed me around for quite a while too.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts about survival and natural selection. If I had gone on with labour for much longer without surgery, it would have killed us both too. I thought I was the only one who ruminated on that conclusion!
It’s very hard to reconcile that thought with the joy and optimism your supposed to feel at the birth of your first child. Six years on I still look at him occasionally and shiver at how close we both were to not making it. It was my first real dose of confronting my own mortality, and it taught me a harsh lesson I doubt I’ll ever forget.
I am so glad I read this. And so appreciative of your honesty. I think this was a story that needed to come out (I hope you agree). It is part of who you are; it is part of *your* story–and Thumper’s.
As I struggle with anxiety surrounding my own pending childbirth experience (in about 14 weeks, I hope), I ask myself: Am I overthinking this? Do I just need to “relax and trust the doctors”? Am I alone in these feelings of mistrust? It is bolstering to know that women go through this all over the world–and not just with their first babies. Thank you.
I wish you an uncomplicated, joyful birth.
Good luck, Cari. You are strong, you are wise, you are more prepared now and you have the skills to cope when the anxiety returns. I know that you are in a better place now (physically, geographically and mentally) than you were then and that will be a big help.
You aren’t alone, either. I’m sure millions of women feel this sort of anxiety. Fear of childbirth is part of why my husband and I haven’t yet “started trying”.
We are all looking forward to hearing about your beautiful little girl and how she is settling into your home. 🙂
Godspeed, Cari. 🙂
Well said. thank you for sharing this experience including the years-long aftermath. It is unfortunately more common than not. It took courage and your gift of words to explore it so deeply with your readers.
May you and your new one be blessed with a healthy happy birth and no opiate itch.
Both of my babies were born via c-section, too. Here’s to a speedy recovery–mine was much easier the second time around since it was planned.
Just think–this little girl is always going to be able to say she was born in PDX–a native!
I’ve also had 2 c’s, one after a normal, but meconium stained water breaking, and she wasn’t coming down with pushing, so off we went to the OR…
the 2nd one was after 3 months of bedrest and going into labor then with premature twins. the doctor would have gone vbac but I was concerned that I wouldn’t have the strength to push after all that bedrest.
My guess is that you’re in for a completely different experience than with Thumper.
you’ll be fine, and so will she. Promise!
Cari, I must chime in here too. I have often wondered about the details of your first birth and I hope writing about them helps you process and move forward (how funny to think we were there at the hospital at the same time). If I may add to the chorus of support, this birth is 100% guaranteed to be different from your last. I wish you the very, very best, a speedy recovery, and a healthy baby.
While my NYC hospital experience was – eh -okay. My MN hospital stay was a tranquil spa vacation by comparison. I bet yours will be too.
Thank you a million times over for sharing your story, but more for always coming back to the most important part: the birth of a healthy baby and the recovery of his mama. That, to me, is a perfect story. Best wishes for a brilliant second time around. May Thimble-ina or Thumperette or Just Jane be every bit a joy as her big brother.
Cari – I wish you and your wee girl all the best. And I wish that your night nurses are all charming types with knitting tucked in their handbags.
Our son’s birth wasn’t ideal but it also wasn’t traumatic. Everyone was and is fine, but my husband says he isn’t sure he could take another night of listening to the fetal heart monitor beeping slowly and then speeding up. I just don’t think I could take being handled by the maternity ward nurses again. One of them lives near us and I still think about finding her and popping her one in the jaw.
I’m a sufferer of anxiety attacks/depression, mostly brought on by child birth and extreme stress from my last job. If I learned anything useful to pass on, it would be that it’s important to know one’s limits, and it’s more than okay to get help if things are too much to handle. If you start to feel really stressed and anxious, maybe consider re-establishing your connection with your therapist and have them on stand-by.
You’re a strong, capable, grown woman, and you can do this. You have a right (and valid reason) to feel what you’re feeling, and you have support and resources to help you through it. You will come through this with flying colors and you’ll be holding a beautiful baby girl that you willed into being, and she’ll be beautifully dressed in hand knit clothes 🙂
God bless.
No words to add– just big hugs and love to you.
I wish I had comforting pearls of wisdom. All I can do is point out that you have been smart enough and strong enough to get through this before and you have the amazing Thumper! You have the strength to do this and you will be amazing.
I’ve been to lots of births, you know that – and the shocking thing is that no matter how much faith you have, the lesson that you walk away with is that you’re not in charge. It’s surrender, it’s another path written, it’s the journey of someone you haven’t met yet, and all will be as it is intended to be. You, my friend, are passenger on a cosmic life train. Hang on tight.
Now. If I don’t get a belly picture before you have that baby, I shan’t be able to go on.
Birth, eh? Such a natural thing, so many do it, and yet it can make some feel on top of the world and others it can scar in ways you never ever thought it could…
I remember reading your birth story when Thumper was born, my girl was born a couple of months later, long labour, lots of intervention and I ended up with a c/sec. I felt and still do feel that it was not necessary, and it still kills me to this day. I had number 2 nearly 2 years ago – we tried for a homebirth, as VBAC is not taken seriously enough – I laboured for days and ended up in hospital for a forceps delivery – due to his head being slightly side on.
The lack of faith in your body is so hard isn’t it? I cry almost every time someone I know has a baby. Why does everyone else seem to have these ‘easy’ labours and seems so happy in early motherhood. I felt so depressed, and it kills me now as I worry my daughter’s lack of confidence now is due to my misery in her early months….
Its such a vulnerable time in life. The emotions are so powerful.
Goodluck. Thinking of you. I guess the one certain thing is despite knowing how hard it will be, you also know that you made it through it, and you have no choice but to do it again.
You are in my thoughts and I’m sending best wishes your way. It makes complete sense that you are having feelings about this birth after your last experience. Just sharing all that shows how much strength you have. I’m rooting for you.
Beautifully written, as always. Cognitive behavioral therapy is GOOD STUFF. I hope and pray all Blessings to you….can’t wait to see your new baby girl! xoxox
well, if you can post yours 4 years later, i can finally write mine three years later. my ‘birth’ story feels like trauma in so many ways…even though it was a calm and planned procedure. i could barely think about it until after the first year. now i want to write it out so that it is there, to read along with all the other parts of their lives.
thanks for trusting and sharing…and you have all my good special birthing thoughts for you and bebe girl. woman are warriors in so many different ways and you were the first time and will be this time around too. and i bet you wills core in the nurse dept this time, portland is utopia, right? kiss hug, amiee
Thank you for sharing your story. I hope that the delivery of your baby girl goes as smoothly as possible. Wishing you both well and sending positive thoughts in your direction…
Best wishes to you for this new baby and birth! You are at an advantage going into a second C-section, really, because you will know what to expect and can make it the best possible birth it can be! I had a C-section with my son (after planning a natural birth) 2 years ago. I am hoping for a VBAC this time, but who knows.
I found this site to be very helpful after the birth last time, and think it might be a great read for you before this c-section; very empowering about accepting that procedure and making it a ritual, too.
http://www.birthingfromwithin.com/cesarean
Best wishes!
How the bloody hell did I miss this post? Well, I am hoping like hell that today goes smoothly and that your c-section this time around is totally low-key (for surgery).
I’m thinking of you FOUR and hope to see photos when you feel up to posting again.
**SQUASH**
i am so touched that you shared your story. your kids have and will come into the world in a magical way– my first was a c section, too, and i am so glad modern medicine was there. best to you on birth 2.