At some point I’ll get tired of knitting for this kid and start wanting to knit for myself again, right? There will certainly be breaks to knit chickens, but I’m not feeling a slowdown yet on the urge to knit for the baby girl.

(And don’t cry for Thumper. I finished a placket-neck pullover for him a couple weeks ago–a sweater he requested in a color he chose–and he rejected it because it’s “too big.” Okay…so I made it with some room to grow. But not an outrageous amount of room to grow. Hopefully it will fit him in the fall in a manner he considers acceptable. I couldn’t even get him to wear it for a photo. Still holding out hope for that much soon.)

So for now, baby knits. Lots of ’em. Here are the latest two sweaters finished for her:

A Baby Yoda, and a Placket-Neck Pullover:

I used Lamb’s Pride Superwash for the Baby Yoda, and modified the pattern to be knit in one piece with raglan sleeves. I swapped out the interior i-cords for crochet chains to reduce the bulk. Yes, I’m the one who designed the thing in pieces and with interior i-cords in the first place, but hey… That was four years ago. We grow. We evolve. Etc.

The pullover is Debbie Bliss Cashmerino Aran that’s been in the stash forEVER. Except for the Tree Hugger set, I’ve only used stash yarn for all this baby knitting, and that’s feeling damn good. That might be doing something to fuel all the baby knitting, now that I think of it. These little garments are eating through a certain section of the stash (superwashes and the softest luxury fiber stuff) at a very pleasing rate.

Next up? I’ve just finished a sweet little pair of pink legwarmers and am now working up the matching hat using Zen Garden sock yarn from the stash. Photos soon, maybe even on a real live squirmy baby girl!

(I promised to release this pattern a few weeks ago. I’m sorry for the delay. Here it is now… Tada! Next up, that baby hat and legwarmers gift set.)

Tree Hugger is a tunic-and-pants set for babies and young kids, in Louet Gems Sport Weight. The tunic and pants are both knit in the round for quick knitting and minimal finishing. The pattern includes yarn requirements for the complete set, or for just the tunic or the pants on their own. Yes, folks. Two patterns for the price of one! (Ooooh!) The pants are a terrific unisex garment, by the way.

Sizes: 3m [6m, 12m, 18m, 2T, 3T, 4T, 5T]

You can buy it here for $6 US for both the tunic and pants patterns, via Ravelry (but no Ravelry membership required):

or head on over to the pattern’s official Ravelry page and buy it from there.

Thanks for taking a look! I promise photos of this little set full of baby as soon as I’ve got a baby big enough to fill it. (The sample is the 3m size, by the way.)

It’s four a.m. and I can’t sleep. In two weeks or less, this baby will be born. She’ll be born via c-section, either on April 5th, as we’ve scheduled, two days before her official due date, or sooner if she decides she’s in a hurry. I’ve been fine about the birth up to this point in the pregnancy. Pretty nonchalant about it. But only because I haven’t been giving it much thought, intentionally. It was a far-off thing, to be dealt with later, and there was so much else to get through first.

But here I am now. It could be any time. And I’m finding that I’m scared. Not because it’s unknown… I’ve been here once before. I’m scared because of what I’ve already known of childbirth.

I didn’t write much on this blog about Thumper’s birth or its aftermath. I never told his birth story. Before he was born, I’d fully expected to do so, but it went so very far from the birth I’d hoped and planned for that I just couldn’t write it. (Which should have been my first clue that I needed help dealing with it, but it took me a long time to come to that realization.) I’m not going to get into the blow-by-blow now, nearly four years later. It basically boils down to this:

The plan was for a natural delivery in a hospital. I was in labor with Thumper for four days, at home with Billy and my mom and a terrific doula. Contractions would get to three minutes apart for an hour and then stall out continuously over those four days. There was never more than fifteen minutes between contractions, though, so there was not enough of a pattern to go to the hospital, but there was also no way I was able to sleep at all for those three nights. Then we finally went to the hospital and I was in labor in there for another nine hours, unmedicated. Then there was moderate meconium staining when my water broke, and not-great readings on the fetal heartrate monitor. I got some pitocin and an epidural and went another six hours. Interventions followed. They screwed a monitor into the baby’s scalp. Yes. With a tiny screw. Tubes everywhere. I think maybe the catheter came at this point, though it’s a blur. I felt like the fucking Borg. Thanks to the epidural, I finally got some sleep. I woke up when they needed to give me a shot of adrenalin because my heart rate dropped. The baby’s heart rate showed distress. It was decided it was time for a c-section, and that’s how Thumper was born, at 7:59 am on the fifth day.

I had a beautiful, healthy baby boy who latched on perfectly to nurse on the very first try. I also had a six-inch incision, tubes coming out of me from all directions, a foley bag, and itching from the narcotics so bad I wanted to peel my skin off. We got through it. We went home. I recovered. Kinda.

The physical recovery was easy. I was up and around in no time. Emotionally?

You know…I called 911 when Thumper was six weeks old, because I thought my throat was closing from an allergic reaction to something I’d eaten. I was home alone with the baby. A firetruck pulled up in front of the house about thirty seconds after I called. (We lived up the block from a fire house.) The paramedics were right behind them. They took my vitals and determined I was totally fine. They were very kind and patient with me, and no one said, “Idiot, you’re having a panic attack.” In retrospect, I wish they had. I never called 911 again, but I went through the next 17 months thinking I was having heart attacks, feeling like my throat was closing.

(By the way…a fire truck and paramedics pulled up in front of the home of a new mom at six in the evening on a week night, and not a single neighbor called or stopped by after to see if we were okay. I don’t miss New York.)

Finally, when we’d moved to Portland and Thumper was 18 months old, I got some help. Got myself into therapy. Got diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder. Did the work–cognitive behavioral therapy. Got some tools. Got better. I graduated from therapy, haven’t had a panic attack in over two years now.

I’m not having one now.

But the anxiety is creeping back in now, as another birth approaches. One of the main reasons I decided not to try for a VBAC with this birth is that I know that emotionally I couldn’t get through another labor. I believe that the first c-section saved my baby’s life and mine. I truly believe it was medically necessary. So to labor again would be to remember that it almost killed me and my baby last time. That in an earlier time, natural selection would have decided against us. (Childbirth is a natural thing, but dying in childbirth is also a natural thing and used to be extremely common. Which is not to say that all births should be medicalized, but let’s not forget that death is a natural outcome too.) Also, after the first labor, I no longer truly believe in my body’s ability to successfully birth a child. How do you get through labor if you don’t believe you can?

So a second c-section. I feel good about that decision. I haven’t doubted that for a moment. It is what’s right for me. But it comes loaded with baggage, too. They’re going to cut me open again. I’m going to be laid out on a table and I’m going to be numb from the chest down and they’re going to cut me open to take the baby out. I will be the last one in the room to see my baby, and I won’t be able to touch her until they wheel me into the recovery room. Because she won’t get squeezed through the birth canal, she’ll likely have amniotic fluid in her lungs and we’ll have to watch out for that. Thumper started choking on fluid at one point the day after he was born, and his lungs sounded junky for a couple weeks after his delivery.

And there will be the tubes. And the opiate itch. And the incision. The all-liquids diet until I can convince the nurses I’ve passed gas. At which point I’ll be patted on the head and given hospital food for three days. Three days in the hospital. And the night nurses. God, the fucking night nurses. I hope they’re better here in Portland. At NYU they were bullies. But I’m stronger this time, not a first-timer. And I won’t have been sleepless and traumatized and I will not be bullied. Hear that, nurses?

(Why is it that labor and delivery nurses are so often wonderful and maternity-ward nurses so often godawful brutes who treat new moms like ignorant children? Apologies to any maternity nurses reading this. I’m sure you’re among the good ones.)

So…yeah. This baby’s got to come out. I want her to. And now it turns out to be a very lucky thing I hadn’t set my heart on the VBAC, because the baby is transverse breech. C-section it is now, no matter what. I thought I was reconciled to the surgery, but I guess I still have some work to do, which I’d better do fast. I feel better having written here. Much better. Thank you for listening. I think I can sleep now.

Pattern: Hens and Roosters from Toymaking with Children by Freya Jaffke

I made this little family for the kiddo’s preschool. I’m terribly proud of myself for handing them over to his teacher this morning. I really wanted to keep them.

I used yarn that had been in my stash for about five years, and was in Iris’s stash for who knows how long before she passed it on to me. Mission Falls 1824 Cotton. Exactly the right yarn for a knitted chicken. Of course, this group used up all the chicken-appropriate colors I had in the stash. I want to make another hen and chicks, and maybe a rooster, for my kids (okay…for me. But they can play with them), and I want to make a set for my niece and nephew to play with at my mom’s house (okay…they’re really for my chicken-loving mom). Apart from a few–and I really mean just a few–skeins of sock yarn, and the Louet Gems bought for the baby’s tunic outfit, I haven’t bought any yarn at all in about three years. Yesterday I ordered a bunch of Mission Falls 1824 Cotton. Who would have thought it would be chickens that would finally break the yarn fast? Now I’m back to the no-yarn buying thing. Three years without buying yarn, and it wasn’t hard at all. Which is not to say that I wasn’t knitting. My stash–it’s way too big. It’s going to take me another three years at least to knit it down to an acceptable level. But I couldn’t deny myself and my mom…or, uh, the kids…chickens in the perfect knitted-chicken yarn just because the size of my stash bugs me and I like our budget better when no yarn is purchased.

Which is to say, watch this space for many more chickens.

Ilona!

I hope you enjoy the book, Ilona! I’ve emailed you for your mailing address, and will ship it out to you this week.

The universe must love me, because it recently gave me free books. A clerical error resulted in my receiving a box of books from Featherproof Books that I hadn’t ordered. The good-hearted, book-loving people at Featherproof then saw fit to let me keep the books. Why? Because they’re wonderful. Seriously. I already had a huge literary crush on this press before they told me to go ahead and keep the books. Now I think I might be in love. Go look at their list. Go on. Then come back, because I want to give you one of those books.

One of the books in that box is something I’d already bought from them: boring boring boring boring boring boring boring by Zach Plague. It’s waiting patiently on my to-be-read pile, and its time is coming soon. Which is to say that while I can’t yet give you a review of it, I can tell you I’m very much looking forward to reading it. I don’t need two copies, though. That would just be greedy, wouldn’t it?

Do you want it? Of course you do. Why wouldn’t you? Leave a comment (here. Not on Facebook or Twitter, so I can do the random number thing fairly), letting me know you want in on the drawing for the book. On Monday, March 15th (oooh…the Ides of March…) at 10a.m. PST (also known as post-preschool dropoff and mid-decaf Americano time) I’ll let the random number generator choose a winner.

I had the follow-up ultrasound today, and everything looked good! The velocity was slightly lower than last week’s. The concern was that the trend would continue upward. So far, so good. I go back for another check next week, but by then she’ll be 36 weeks, so even if we do need to deliver then, that concerns me much less. At my regular prenatal appointment yesterday, my doctor said that if we had to deliver today, at 35 weeks, we would do it at a different hospital than the one we’d been planning on, because of the NICU. At 36 weeks, we would deliver at the one we’d been planning on. So the fact that the doctor made such a differentiation between 35 and 36 weeks, and that the baby will get to cook at least until 36 weeks, is a big comfort.

Also, her weight is now estimated at 6 lbs even, and we saw fat folds and hair. If we do have to deliver early, those fat folds are a good, good thing. And the hair? Not surprising. Those of you who’ve been around here for a while will recall that her brother was born with a pompadour.

So…yay! Good news today! Thank you all for the good thoughts!

This kid? Whether she’s born at 40 weeks or sooner, one thing is absolutely certain. She’s coming into the world with no shortage of knitwear, most of it designed just for her.

When it comes to knits for myself or Billy, I’m often quite happy knitting someone else’s designs. But for my kids? Apart from the Child’s Placket-Neck Pullover, which is one of my favorite baby/kid knits of all time (in fact, I have a blue one on the needles for Thumper right now), nothing out there ever seems quite right. I get ideas in my head of what I want to make for them, and those ideas rarely match up with an existing design.

That’s how the Baby Yoda Sweater came to be during my pregnancy with Thumper. And sure enough, I’ve got a Baby Yoda on the needles for the new baby right now. I’m doing it differently this time, knitting it in one piece with raglan decreases and a garter border rather than all those raw edges. Also, I’m toying with the idea of button closures. Different baby, different yarn, different sweater. The raw edges and slubby yarn felt right for the baby I was carrying back then, and turned out to suit him perfectly. This baby feels like she wants a smooth wool and slightly cleaner finished look.

(Lamb's Pride Superwash in Romantic Ruby)

I did use one existing pattern by someone else for her: Elizabeth Zimmerman’s Baby Leggings, from the Knitter’s Almanac. It’s Elizabeth Zimmerman, so you can’t really go wrong there.

(Rowan Wool Cotton)

These longies are awesome for what they are, which is a pair of leggings that are super cozy because they extend up to the baby’s armpits. There’s even genius back shaping since they’re meant to go up so high. What they are not is a pair of plain old up-to-your-waist, loose-legged, regular pants. After I finished the longies, I became kind of obsessed with knitted baby pants. I looked at many pants patterns on Ravelry and just could not find what I was looking for, not in looks so much as in fit and construction. So I designed my own for her. And then I got on an outfits kick, and designed a swing cardi and pants set, and a tunic and pants set. I’m planning to release these sets as patterns for sale, so I can only give you little sneak peeks for now:

(Cardi and pants. Rowan Wool Cotton)

(Tunic and pants: Louet Gems Sport Weight)

Then I couldn’t find a hat pattern that satisfied me, which is weird because there are a million out there. I know… I think it’s a pregnancy thing, this “nothing quite good enough for my baby unless I do it for myself” thing. I’m not much like that in other areas. I wanted her to have some hats in fingering-weight luxury-fiber yarns. I wanted them to be simple and well-fitted and have sweet baby cables. I probably could have found a pattern like that out there, but why bother when some simple math will get you there faster? So now she’s got two hats (and counting). One 100% cashmere, and the other a cashmere blend that’s nearly as soft, Elann’s Baby Cashmere. Both from the stash. (Actually, all of the knitting I’ve done for her, except that green and brown secret project, has been from the stash. Let’s hear it for an embarrassingly deep stash.)

After I made those two hats, I decided she needed matching legwarmers. I’m going to write the hat and legwarmer patterns up as a set. Why am I showing you the hat and legwarmers in their entirety and not the other patterns? I don’t know.

(Elann Baby Cashmere)

(School Products 100% Cashmere)

So there you have it. When the Baby Yoda is finished, I need to finish Thumper’s Placket-Neck Pullover. After that, another hat or two, and another pair of legwarmers for the baby. And then another tunic, same pattern but a different yarn. I think I’m done with designing for her, for now. Time for nesting, not for math, for a while.

I’ll be releasing the patterns one by one. Look for the first one in the coming weeks.

Speaking of which…what would you be most interested in? What should I release first? Cardi and pants? Tunic and pants? Hat and legwarmers?

I need to learn to keep my big mouth shut. Remember how in the last post I was so sure the doctor was having us continue the ultrasound monitoring mostly to work us for the insurance money? Well, never mind. Now it’s looking like the first doctor who was ready to send us on our way after two scans could stand to be more cautious.

I went in for an ultrasound yesterday, as scheduled. Parvovirus (Fifth disease. And no, not the same parvo dogs get. No vaccine for the human kind) can cause temporary suppression of the bone marrow in affected fetuses, leading to anemia, which can then lead to heart failure, which then leads to fetal death. The point of the ultrasounds is to watch for signs of anemia. They do this by measuring velocity of blood flow through the mid-cerebral artery, and the point is that you don’t want it to get too high (or, er…fast).

Yesterday the measurement was at the high end of the acceptable range. (It was a third doctor, who I hadn’t met before, reviewing the ultrasounds yesterday, by the way. I’m not pleased with the way this practice works, but they’re the best we have available. The doctors are good, but this seeing a different doctor every time crap?) Anyway, now we have four measurements done, and when plotted on a graph it shows that the velocity, which normally increases as the pregnancy progresses, is increasing at a sharper rate than the median.

Not cause for panic, yet, but a cause for closer monitoring. As in, I didn’t hear the usual “Everything looks normal” that I’d been hearing to this point. I’m now going back in one week to get checked again, instead of the usual two weeks. The doctor said it could be fine, or it could be an indication that the parvo is affecting the baby. The possibility of premature delivery came up again, something that was only a remote possibility when this all started. Before 32 weeks or so, the treatment for anemia would be a blood transfusion for the fetus. After that point, the risk of death from transfusion is higher than the risk of preterm delivery. She’ll be at 35 weeks when we get checked again next week. If things are deteriorating, we may be looking at a preemie. And NICU. And all kinds of things I DO NOT WANT. Of course, I want a healthy, live baby. That’s the goal. And we’ll do whatever we have to do to get there.

But I’m freaking out again. Kind of. Okay, more than kind of.

I’ve already knitted so many things for this baby to wear–many times more than what I made for Thumper before he was born. Last night I was able to finally put into words why that is: I never, for even a moment in my pregnancy with Thumper, doubted that I would get to hold him. With this pregnancy, there has been so much worry and doubt. And just this past week I finally got to the point where I was relaxed and sure everything was going to be fine. And now there’s a question about her health again… Which means she needs me to make her another sweater. And another hat. And more legwarmers… It’s the only thing I can think to do…the only way I have to deal with this. Because aside from going to the endless doctor appointments, there is nothing–absolutely nothing about this that’s within our control.

I hate that. I’m not at all good at that.

Damn, we miss that dog. There hasn’t been any regret–it was definitely time to say goodbye–but it’s been awfully quiet around here with just the three of us. Well, as quiet as a house with a very active 3.5-year-old human boy who loves to play the drums can be. But no tappity tapping nails on the floor. No flappity flappity head-shake ears.

Also? No more following a geriatric dog with kidney disease around with a mop and bucket. These last few months our house has smelled like dog pee no matter how on top of it we tried to be. Not missing that so much, I have to admit.

This is the first time in my life I’ve been without a pet. That feels quite weird, but we’re not looking to change that anytime soon. I mean…there’s a baby due to join us in 6.5 weeks (or less). Now is not the time to bring another furry kid into the mix. Eventually, though… Eventually.

As for that human baby on the way? Even though all the post-Fifth Disease diagnosis monitoring ultrasounds have looked normal, the perinatologist wants me to keep getting them every two weeks until the end of the pregnancy. That first doctor who said if two scans looked good she’d give us the all clear wasn’t the one who’d done our amnio. All the perinatologists on the team rotate through being the one to look at ultrasounds on any given day. Which would be fine if they talked to each other and…oh, I don’t know… AGREED on a treatment protocol. So the first doctor, let’s call her Dr. R, would have discharged us already. The second, the one who did the amnio, Dr. J (no, I don’t know if he’s any good at basketball. Looking at him, I suspect not), wants to keep us coming until the end of March. And he’s been the doctor on duty for the last two ultrasounds, so for now that protocol stands.

Dr. J is older and more experienced than Dr. R. So here are the possibilities, as I see them:

1. Dr. J is more conservative than Dr. R and doesn’t want to take chances.
2. Dr. J has seen more parvo cases than Dr. R and his experience leads him to want this degree of continued monitoring
3. Dr. J is more concerned with covering his ass re: malpractice than Dr. R is.
4. Dr. J is totally working us for the insurance money. As in, $400 a pop for these scans.

Don’t you love healthcare in the US. Fucking fantastic, really. I’m guessing the truth is a combination of #’s 1 and 4. That said, I’m going for the scans. Better safe than sorry. Which is, of course, what he’d be counting on with #4.

Gah.

The most important bit here is that the baby continues to look great. In fact, at the last scan at 32 weeks 1 day, they estimated her weight at 4lbs 11 oz. Yes, these estimates can be way off. But this is a good indication that I’m growing a nice, sturdy baby in there. One less thing to worry about, you know?

Of course, my body’s ability to grow ’em big (Thumper was 8 lbs 6oz, which isn’t tremendous, but rather large in relation to my size) coupled with my small frame and very short torso means I carry ’em big, too. Folks, the belly has passed beyond big and into enormous. I should probably give you a photo at some point. I haven’t taken any belly photos at all during this pregnancy. For now let’s just say that it’s rather zeppelin-like. Though not nearly as lofty. Huge. I am huge. And waddling.

Ah, the glamour of pregnancy…

Not much longer now. The waddling will soon be behind me forever. Though if I recall correctly, this last bit feels ten times longer than the entire rest of the pregnancy.