Girlie turned two on March 31st. She’s a great big self-potty-trained girl who’s been speaking in paragraphs since she was eighteen months old. She has sophisticated opinions about food and music and Dora the Explorer. She also nurses almost constantly. She would nurse all day if I let her. She nurses almost all night. It’s exhausting.
And now, she’s started biting me while nursing. Hard, deliberately. With her strong two-year-old jaws and her sharp two-year-old teeth.
I need to wean her. I just…I do. And it’s breaking my heart. Kiddo nursed until he weaned himself (with encouragement from me) at three years old. I’ve always intended to let her nurse until three, too, because in my mind what you do for one you do for the other. But she is not Kiddo. Kiddo wasn’t nursing with this kind of frequency and intensity when he was two. And he never bit me. Not once. Even when he was a baby just cutting his first teeth.
She bites me–without warning–and after I shriek in sincere pain, I put “nursing” away and tell her she can’t nurse for a while because she hurt me and that’s not okay. Cue crying and tantruming from her, which I ride out and then we move on. It’s become really stressful for me. I never know when the bite is coming, and the consequence of losing nursing privileges isn’t working. She isn’t making the connection between her behavior and the putting away of the breast.
I don’t know what to do. My instinct is to slowly wean. To do away with nursing during the day, telling her we’ll nurse at naptime and bedtime. I started that yesterday and she’s been upset but distractible. And then after that’s established I’ll night wean and all we’ll have left is nursing right before sleep, because she’s also transitioning on her own into no nap… And then we’ll just be done. That will be it.
She’s certainly old enough to be done nursing. And I’ve been over it for months now, anxious to move on. Or so I thought. I want her to stop nursing, but I keep coming back to how it’s going to feel to her to be cut off from this comfort, this safe place she’s had since minutes after birth. Of course the cuddling won’t end, but it isn’t the same. I know that from weaning kiddo.
I’m coming to you to mourn a bit, but I’m also asking for help. Did you go through this with the end of long-term breastfeeding? How did you wean? How does one wean with love and compassion?
It feels like a breakup. I’m planning the end of our breastfeeding relationship, and she doesn’t know the end is coming. I cried off and on all day yesterday over it. I feel awful, but we can’t go on like this.
My daughter turned two at the end of April, and I’m having the exact same problem and am working towards the exact same solution. And it makes me sad as well. I’m only commenting to commiserate … I have no solutions or advice or words of wisdom at all. It’s hard and it sucks and the biting is AWFUL. My sympathies. Hang in there, I’m sure it will get easier for both of us.
Jeannie, you hang in there too! Good luck to you. Keep me posted on how it goes.
My son self-weaned at about 18 months because I was pregnant with my daughter at the time and I think my milk was just drying up. My daughter, on the other hand, nursed constantly until she was almost 3. (She’ll be 5 this December.) She never bit me, but she demanded it all the time until I started to resent that no one but me could get her to bed or console her when she was upset. I never meant to be that kind of super-attachment parent, but that’s just kind of how it went. What finally worked was taking a road trip with my kids. We were in a different environment, she was distracted with other things and people, so I just made a clean break and quit offering to nurse. I thought it would be a really big deal, but it wasn’t, surprisingly. I thought she would throw a fit, but she didn’t. I thought I would really, really miss it, but as it turned out, I only missed it a little bit. Actually, I was relieved more than anything else. It was one less source of conflict for us.
If she’s biting you, maybe she really is ready to wean (even if she doesn’t really know it yet). I hate giving advice (because I hate getting advice when it’s unsolicited)…so my only suggestion is maybe try a change of scenery for a couple days, if it’s possible, like camping for the weekend or visiting a relative or friend who would like your company for 24-48 hours.
Thanks, Susan. I think you and Sara are on to something with the change in routine.
I just weaned my 18m old son – and, like you, it was because of biting. He wasn’t nursing with the frequency of Girlie, but it was most definitely every morning and evening. It took me two tries to wean him, but he’s finally done and I’m just about dried up.
Every morning he would wake up around 5am, I’d go get him, bring him into bed with us, and he’d nurse for the next hour or so. It was a calm, wonderful way to wake up, cuddling him in between me and my husband. Until he started deliberate biting. I had planned on letting him self wean, but being all cozy and half asleep only to be jolted awake because I had been bitten was just not cool. (Although I will admit this happened multiple times before I finally decided that enough was enough…) The first time I tried to wean him I got up with him and instead of going into our bedroom I went into the living room, turned on the radio, offered him some milk, and watched him completely break down for four days in a row until I caved and let him start nursing again.
All was good until he then started biting AND laughing at my startled reaction. (Which, yes, I’m sure was kind of funny in the same way that people laugh at crotch shots). By then I was determined to wean him so I had my husband get up with him all the next week and do the same thing I had done. Same time. Same sippy cups. Same NPR station. But no meltdowns this time. All it took was 15min or so with dad in the morning and he had forgotten about nursing for the rest of the day. So my advice is to just make her routine slightly different. Not enough to upset her, but just enough to distract her.
Thanks, Sara. Billy’s gone by the time we wake up in the morning, but changing her routine in some other way is a great idea.
I am so sorry you are long through this. I’m not looking forward to being done nursing, but I will enjoy not having to be the one who does bedtime and who gets the kids up in the morning. With my oldest I think we nursed until I was ready to be done-she had mostly lost interest and only nursed when I offered. She was much happier reading before bed than nursing. With the twins I think Ellie will be done first, but I don’t think Ben will quit anytime soon. Each kid is so different. I recommend a trip too-my went from nursing five times a day to only three on our last trip-there was so much to do and other people to see that it wasn’t a big deal. Good luck. I do think it will be harder for you than Girlie, and you will still have special times.
Thanks, Jenn. Ah! Not having to be the one to do bedtime! See, THAT is something to look forward to for sure.
I wish I had advice but I don’t, sadly. However, I do want to share with you, for whatever it’s worth, that the way I weaned my boy at 2 1/2 (he’s now nearly 7 and would probably still “touch a ninny!” if I let him…) was all thanks to you and a post you wrote about weaning your first little one. You said that you felt pressured at a certain age to wean him and you cried and he cried and then one day, you decided it was no one’s business but yours and you needed to just let it happen when you were both ready. I did the same thing and one day, he was just ready. I was shocked because he loved to nurse all the damn time but he was just…ready. So thank you for that-I’ve meant to write you for ages to thank you. Best of luck in figuring it out with this feisty little girl. 🙂
April: I’m so glad that post was helpful for you! Funny you should mention it… He was around the same age that Girlie is now. I guess this is the point that I get fed up with nursing. If only I could figure out another solution to the biting, and get her to demand it less often…
I so wish I had some wisdom. Unable to have children of my own means I just don’t know this part. I’m heartbroken for you, it k ow that deep down you know what you both need.
You’re so much wiser than you know Cari.
Thank you, Kim. Kind words count just as much as advice.
I feel for you! I weaned my baby girl at 23 months because she would nurse all night long, like I had a freaking newborn, and the exhaustion was killing me. I started getting really angry with her and knew it was time to stop. She’s my last baby and I was really sad knowing I would never nurse a baby again, but my sanity dictated that it end.
They forget pretty quickly too. It’s way worse for us than it is for them. Good luck!
Cara, that’s exactly where I’m at. It feels awful to be resentful of your own child. How did you wean her?
How did I wean her? I basically did what you’ve planned. Daytime is relatively easy because there are so many distractions. I just flat our refused at night. She would take water in a sippy cup so that helped. There were a few bad nights but not as bad as I thought. Then when I was down to falling asleep I just said this is it. You’re done. It helped that the next night we were going out and she was going to go to sleep without me anyway.
She still doesn’t fall asleep easily but my kids are crappy sleepers regardless. Oh and the worst part of the whole thing was how ridiculously engorged I was after I stopped. Took what seemed like a long time to get ckmfortable. And more than three months later and I can still express milk which seems fairly ridiculous.
You guys will be fine. You don’t remember with your big one but the angst is squarely on us. They care, of course, but only in the moment. We obsess. 😉
I don’t have any advice to give but I know it must be hard for you. I am hugging you over the internet and also congratulating you on long term nursing both your beautiful children. You have given them the best possible start in life and great gift.
Both of mine self-weaned, the first at 18 months and the second at only a year – and she was the biter. I always think that it’s sad that we all remember the first time something momentous occurs in our lives, but the “last” time goes unmarked except in retrospect, and that’s how it was with nursing. The best advice I ever got about living through tantrums was not to just ignore, but ostentatiously ignor. And the biter? She kept up the biting – her sister, friends, me (smack in the chest in the supermarket while she was riding in the shopping cart) – until finally in desperation, I bit her back. This is NOT recommended, but it worked.
I weaned Phoebe at her 2 year old birthday. It was pretty easy actually. I consciously distracted her without ever saying no, keeping her busy, giving her a ton of food and drinks so she was never hungry or thirsty, coming up with great activities, etc…. I’d still nurse her if she asked but I tried to make it less of a part of our life for a week. Then I went away overnight, on a knitting retreat actually, and told her I’d bring her a present. When I got back we did fun stuff and stayed active. When she asked to nurse after I cam back I told her in a totally calm way, oh there’s no milk in there anymore. And she was sort of sad, but moved on. She asked once or twice more that day and the next day, but I just said, no there’ no milk anymore. But I’ll get you a drink and snuggle you etc…. She didn’t cry, nothing. She just oddly accepted it. It was more emotional for me by far than for her. And she had been nursing steadily before this (not constantly, but regularly). Within a week or two of that she acted like she didn’t even remember nursing and like the whole concept was absurd.
I weaned my son at 2 years, 3 months. I told him on a Monday that nursing on Friday would be our very last nurse, and Friday was 4 sleeps away. He didn’t care about days of the week, but he understood numbers, so I kept reminding him that Friday was the last nursing day and it was x sleeps away. Then when that Friday came, I reminded him that it was his very last nurse. Then I put him to bed and if he asked for it, I reminded him that we didn’t do that anymore. He accepted it and moved on in about two days.
I think the big thing was that we were both ready to be done and neither of us knew how to break the habit, so one day I just did.
We didn’t have the issue with weaning that you’re having, but anytime we needed to break a habit we had to change our normal response to that habit. For my youngest, getting her to sleep through the night meant that I could no longer be the one to go to her when she woke up at night – hubby had to do it. Same with when she discovered that in the toddler bed, she could get up and climb into bed with us. Instead of us letting her climb in and then sleeping poorly the rest of the night, we had to get up and put her back to bed. It was harder work in the short term, but made all the difference for breaking those annoying habits that children love to form.
Thanks for all the advice and commiseration, guys. It helps! We nursed this morning, at naptime (though she didn’t take the nap), and at bedtime. Lots of saying no in between. It was already easier than yesterday. We’ll see how the 5am to 7am stretch goes…her big night nursing period.
Older son weaned himself at 11 months (I was having trouble expressing milk as fast as he wanted to drink it) and younger son had to be weaned at 6 months due to food allergy issues.
I just want to echo what Mary K. in Rockport said… I’ve had two close friends who had to stop breastfeeding because of biting, and in neither case did the biting stop at Mom. Be braced for worse. Best of luck with everything!
And, off topic, I love love love the writers with kids series that you’ve been running.
I nursed both boys until right around that 2-year-old birthday. By then, it was just nap time and bed time nursing. And, when the booby-food went away, so did the naps. I have no magic tricks for you, just love — it’s tough no matter how you do it, and you definitely will miss that special closeness later, no matter how long you put it off. If you feel like it’s time, it probably is. One more thing: Beware of equating fairness with identical treatment. Kiddo #1 got exactly what he needed as an individual. Kiddo #2 is a completely different person; maybe her needs are different. She may need more of something else than your first child did, and you don’t want to catch yourself denying her something just because you didn’t think of giving it to your first child, or because he didn’t ask for it, or because you can afford it now for her but you couldn’t back then for him, etc. Fair is really when each person gets what he or she needs, not the same as what someone else got — and Mama needs her nipples securely attached to her breastices. Your needs count, too. She doesn’t even have exactly the same parents as your son, either, because you’ve grown and changed and been influenced by your earlier parenting experience. I’m rambling, I know — hopefully somewhere I’ve said something helpful. You’re a good mother and whatever you decide to do, however it works best for you to do it, will be the right way for your girlie. Hugs!
I nursed my middle child until he was a fair bit over 2 years old. I only stopped (cold turkey) after I got pregnant with my youngest and every time he nursed it felt like my nipples would come off. It was sad for both of us, but eventually, he understood. When Lucy came, he would tell me that she drinks milk “like I used to” and it would crack my heart a little, but I held fast. He doesn’t really miss it, but he still remembers. In fact, he mentioned it today, when we were at the library.
It’s an important distinction you make, how they are two completely different people, and will have two completely different experiences, even with nursing. You’ll get through this, and maybe, just maybe, she’ll still be a cuddler.
My youngest son nursed until he was 13 and 1/2 months. I remember the last time I nursed him very vividly. He was happily nursing away and then he got a twinkle in his eye and smiled sweetly and proceeded to bite me! I removed him from the breast and decided right then and there that was it. He may have asked for it again but the weaning process was short-lived and I was ready to be done. I dried up in no time.
I weaned my son at 16 months, and the biting and gymnastics were absolutely a part of it. We did a long wean, about two months. Not nursing during the day was easy. He used to wake up frequently during the night, so I dropped one nighttime feeding every one to two weeks until we were down to just before bed. My husband did a lot of the bedtime heavy lifting for about two weeks until the new routine gelled. We swapped out the early AM feedings for small bottles, and cuddled in our bed with him. That cuddling was different than nursing, but surprisingly sweet and has continued now all the way until 3. I was ready to be done — I felt like I could either wage a pitched battle over nursing “manners” (and man, it would have been a doozy), or we could gently stop nursing and enjoy each other more. Weaning was surprisingly easy once we started, but I was ready. (Ditto to the other commenter who said that your post on weaning was critical to my decision not to wean until later than I’d originally intended — it really helped me to frame the decision. Thanks.)
Good luck!!
I weaned Dear Daughter at two years and two months. It just became difficult for me; I was uncomfortable. After much hand wringing about it, I told her she was a big girl and fibbed that the milk was “all gone”. She was like, “oh okay…where are my ponies?” What I didn’t expect was personal discomfort because for the first time in a long time, I got engorged! Back to the warm compresses and a couple of uncomfortable days. (hope this doesn’t happen to you- good luck!)