The vaguely tough sort. The something hazy and sad around the edges sort. Thinking about the three babies I’ve lost this year. Thinking especially about the one I lost last month. Something about having touched the empty sac… I keep going back over it. The feel of it is getting worn into a permanent groove in my mind. The pain isn’t getting any duller, not yet.
The kiddo was testing and tantruming all day. Probably agitated because he sensed and was upset on some level by my mood. And so the vicious cycle. You know the dance. I stayed calm with him, but I wasn’t entirely present. Not really. All I wanted to do was hand him off to someone and disappear into the garden.
I want to spend all my time in the garden these days. Everything is growing. Blossoming. It feels good back there. Really good. Take a look:
Oh, Cari… different circumstances, but I hear you. I’m so glad you have the garden to touch and grow with.
I wonder if gray and gloomy weather can affect mood, as well?
The only thing I can think of to say that I think would even be remotely helpful is:
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry that you are feeling sad. I’m sad about your losses, especially the most recent one, too. Your garden is amazing.
thinking about you as always, lady. with the hellish weeks i’ve had lately, i keep finding myself at off hours staring absently at the nascent squash blossoms, waiting for them to burst and grow. it sounds like you’re doing much the same.
the garden looks lush and tasty. can’t wait to see pics of the meals you prepare with the harvest. i hope you will feel better soon.
*hugs*
I wish I could say something to make it all better. Hang in there, your garden seems like an awesome way to keep yourself busy- as well as a testy 3 year old! I’m getting far too familiar with that as well!
(((Cari)))
Your garden is so beautiful. Blooming away…
Thinking of you a lot lately, Cari. Darling lady, hold on to what helps, whatever that may be. Breathe through the punches to the gut, because believe me, there is a “through,” soul-constricting and long though it may be.
Amazing gardening. It is all going to taste so yummy.
Sending a hug too.