It’s a small world
And I’m not talking about Disney.
A year and a few days ago I found out I was pregnant. I look back now at photos of me from back then–and it wasn’t very long ago at all, a year–and they look somehow…frivilous. I see that girl with the yarn hair and the striped tights. She’s just finished up an MFA program and the folks there thought she was pretty damn good. She’s about to leave for a month at an artist’s colony. She’s about to land her Dream Agent (though she doesn’t know this yet) and is getting ready to start her second novel. She also doesn’t know that she’s about to get a short story accepted for publication. Everything is opening up for her. She’s on the verge of maybe getting everything she’s ever wanted, creatively and professionally. Lucky woman, yes? Everything opening up.
So now I do have that agent, and the story did get published and the response to it was very satisfying. And I still have yarn hair and striped tights. But the novel didn’t sell, so that new one I started at Ragdale is on the backburner while I revise the first one. If you’ve been coming here for a while, none of this is news to you, and you’d rather I get to the point. (Though if you’ve been coming her for a while, perhaps you know not to expect me to always have a point to get to.)
That’s the life of the woman in those photos. Let’s not forget about her wonderful husband, and her tiny dogs, and her evil foundling kitten either. Pretty cool life. She’s got a lot to say at cocktail parties.
I look at the photos and what I see is someone who has no idea what’s ahead of her in the coming year. Of course, that’s true of any year-old photo of anyone. But I’m me, so can only fully feel the weight of the things I couldn’t anticipate. The book not selling, sure. That’s in there. But the pregnancy, the four days of labor, the c-section, motherhood. I thought I had a handle on this life thing, but I had no idea. Life kicked my ass this year. Lots of wonderful, wonderful things, but blessings can kick your ass too.
I’m thinking about this tonight because of something that happened this afternoon. Billy and I were out walking in Prospect Park. Thumper was happily riding along in his sling, which Billy was wearing, and it was a perfect crisp autumn day, cool enough for wool socks and a handknit neck-thingy. And I was walking with my guys and talking… And then stopped when I realized I’d just spent five full minutes telling Billy about how the muffins at the new cafe near our house were so much better than the ones at a certain Park Slope cafe, and then listing the various muffin types etc… Five minutes talking about muffins.
My life has gotten so much deeper in this past year, but the world that contains it? Small as a postage stamp. I’m basically a single parent during the workweek, because of the hours Billy has to work, and I get lonely. I go to this cafe with the great muffins almost every day (not always for a muffin, but certainly always for coffee). I pop the kid in his sling and walk the three blocks there not because of the coffee, (I brew better at home), nor for these fantastic muffins (they really are great), but because going there means five or ten minutes of human contact. I chat with the owner and whoever is manning the counter. Thumper is admired. People are happy to see me.
I try to get out with the baby as much as I can, but any mom can tell you how little “as much as I can” really amounts to. If I didn’t have that parent/baby yoga class once a week I’d lose it. And if I’m not talking about the baby, or the birth, or not having enough time to write, then I’m talking about…muffins. Because really, that’s about all I’ve got going on.
When Thumper was about two months old, my friend Phuc and his wife came to visit. I hadn’t seen Phuc in ages. Years, actually. And I adore him. Was so excited to see him, and to finally meet his wife, Sue. And then I did see him, and found myself incapable of talking about anything besides the baby. Now granted, at that point I was still somewhat dazed by the transition and somewhat depressed and having trouble relating, but still…I was aware of having become, at least for that day, profoundly dull.
I wouldn’t change a thing. (A lie. I would have liked to have sold the first novel already so I wouldn’t have to be editing other people’s books still.) I love this baby more than I could have fathomed. I love Billy. I love that I’m able to work from home after the baby goes to sleep, so that I get to be home with him. But still…this tiny world is going to take some getting used to.
Do you remember exactly what day you found out? That’s just really weird because I found out on October 6th of last year that I was pregnant. I remember the date because I left for Guatemala for eight days on the 8th! Anyway, I thought that Thumper looked bigger than my Globug, but they must be about the same age! I don’t know precisely where I was going with this, I just thought it was neat, I guess. And I know where you’re coming from. Your world changes so completely and unexpectedly the moment they begin to exist.
Posted by: Charissa
i have no credibility–no baby, but just wanted to say that i appreciate that you are revealing another side to the baby thing. not that i would want to read something less than sunny, just that for someone who is pre-baby (meaning planning for it in a couple years) and getting excited and hopeful, it’s just somehow nice to see the reality of it all. it makes me value what i have now while at the same time looking forward to the changes. ok, you’re not looking for advice at all, but i’ll just say that all of this points to you needing to take some more care for yourself and make more time for you and authentic adult contact. you deserve that!
Posted by: k
I hear ya, mama. I feel so boring. When I talk and hear what’s coming out of my mouth, I never want to talk again. I’m that boring. Can’t wait for us to bore each other this weekend. I’d be happy to hear about muffins. I don’t have good muffins near my house.
Posted by: kate
Do you remember exactly what day you found out? That’s just really weird because I found out on October 6th of last year that I was pregnant. I remember the date because I left for Guatemala for eight days on the 8th! Anyway, I thought that Thumper looked bigger than my Globug, but they must be about the same age! I don’t know precisely where I was going with this, I just thought it was neat, I guess. And I know where you’re coming from. Your world changes so completely and unexpectedly the moment they begin to exist.
Posted by: Charissa
i have no credibility–no baby, but just wanted to say that i appreciate that you are revealing another side to the baby thing. not that i would want to read something less than sunny, just that for someone who is pre-baby (meaning planning for it in a couple years) and getting excited and hopeful, it’s just somehow nice to see the reality of it all. it makes me value what i have now while at the same time looking forward to the changes. ok, you’re not looking for advice at all, but i’ll just say that all of this points to you needing to take some more care for yourself and make more time for you and authentic adult contact. you deserve that!
Posted by: k
I hear ya, mama. I feel so boring. When I talk and hear what’s coming out of my mouth, I never want to talk again. I’m that boring. Can’t wait for us to bore each other this weekend. I’d be happy to hear about muffins. I don’t have good muffins near my house.
Posted by: kate
Yep – I hear ya. When I had my first I used to take him to the mall on cold days and just wheel him around and around in his stroller. I hate the mall. But I had to have somewhere to get out to – otherwise it got to be too much bother to even get myself dressed properly! Now – almost ten years on – still the same. My life is all about the kids and home and hubby. I still remember how I “used” to be and sometimes I really miss it and even mourn for the girl back then who could make any choice she wanted – anything in the world because all she had to think about was herself. But there’s no way I would choose to go back to being that girl! For sure I have really given up alot in terms of what I used to think I wanted in life – but even though the “back then girl” probably wouldn’t have had the sense to choose the life I have now and would have been scared to death if she knew all of the challenges and struggles she would have to go through – I’d never go back! Not in a million years. There is no art that you could create that would ever be as complex and wonderful and have as much of an impact on the world as the person your child will grow up to be.
Posted by: stephanie
Los cambios son duros, aunque sean para bien como tu precioso hijo…después del cambio viene la transición hasta que encuentras tu sitio de nuevo.
Ánimo y un gran abrazo,
Lía
Posted by: Lía
Nick and I have a shorthand code for when we start talking about those “little” “trivial” things that mean a lot: “blah, blah, blah… [snork]” I suppose we haven’t had huge life-changing marker events, but this year has still gone on so fast. When I catch myself talking like a clichéd housewife, we laugh, but he still wants to hear it (even if he doesn’t remember or really listen) and I tease out the little details of his working life from him. (I suspect we both have spouses bound by professional confidentiality and icky stuff)
It’s the small stuff that matters for us–it’s a big scary world after all.
Posted by: spaazlicious
I’ve definitely been there. The MA… the baby… the loneliness. I had just moved to a new country when I gave birth to my first. I would just go out window shopping for the pleasure of being able to hear others say hello to me. I spent a year doing that.
Then, we moved away from the city to the country, and I had to make a huge effort to ever see people at all. So, I found a playgroup that met once a week. Made some great friends that way. I highly recommend it if you can find one to take up another bit of time in your week. Doesn’t even matter that the baby may not be old enough to really play yet. All the mommies at playgroup agree that we come for ourselves, too. It’s just nice to be able to tell birth stories and talk about how your baby smiled for the first time last week AND not feel totally boring when you do it.
Posted by: Krista
hang in there – you are maybe still adjusting – give yourself time for those butterfly wings to emerge (been there, still doing it…)
Posted by: nat
Playgroup saved my sanity. Which is funny, because after a couple of years of depending on it weekly and being freaked out if it was cancelled, I grew to hate it. It turns out that I don’t really like the way a lot of other parents approach parenthood or the sugary way they talk to their kids and it drove me up the wall. But until my daughter could carry on a good conversation, playgroup did it for me. (Also the coffee, which was the worst percolated stuff with powdered creamer, but for some reason the ritual of it was something I always looked forward to.)
This is a great post because I have been saying that if you look at a woman doing grocery shopping alone compared to one shopping with a baby (especially a toddler), their experiences could not be more different, but you might not know it on the outside. The woman with the baby no longer has the privilege of uninterrupted thought. Ever. That’s a big thing to lose for a while!
Posted by: jessie
The world will grow again and you will miss this period when time has a softer pace. It too is a new experience, cherish it because it will not come back.
Who does NOT want to hear about muffins?
Posted by: Emma
Yep – I hear ya. When I had my first I used to take him to the mall on cold days and just wheel him around and around in his stroller. I hate the mall. But I had to have somewhere to get out to – otherwise it got to be too much bother to even get myself dressed properly! Now – almost ten years on – still the same. My life is all about the kids and home and hubby. I still remember how I “used” to be and sometimes I really miss it and even mourn for the girl back then who could make any choice she wanted – anything in the world because all she had to think about was herself. But there’s no way I would choose to go back to being that girl! For sure I have really given up alot in terms of what I used to think I wanted in life – but even though the “back then girl” probably wouldn’t have had the sense to choose the life I have now and would have been scared to death if she knew all of the challenges and struggles she would have to go through – I’d never go back! Not in a million years. There is no art that you could create that would ever be as complex and wonderful and have as much of an impact on the world as the person your child will grow up to be.
Posted by: stephanie
Los cambios son duros, aunque sean para bien como tu precioso hijo…después del cambio viene la transición hasta que encuentras tu sitio de nuevo.
Ánimo y un gran abrazo,
Lía
Posted by: Lía
Nick and I have a shorthand code for when we start talking about those “little” “trivial” things that mean a lot: “blah, blah, blah… [snork]” I suppose we haven’t had huge life-changing marker events, but this year has still gone on so fast. When I catch myself talking like a clichéd housewife, we laugh, but he still wants to hear it (even if he doesn’t remember or really listen) and I tease out the little details of his working life from him. (I suspect we both have spouses bound by professional confidentiality and icky stuff)
It’s the small stuff that matters for us–it’s a big scary world after all.
Posted by: spaazlicious
I’ve definitely been there. The MA… the baby… the loneliness. I had just moved to a new country when I gave birth to my first. I would just go out window shopping for the pleasure of being able to hear others say hello to me. I spent a year doing that.
Then, we moved away from the city to the country, and I had to make a huge effort to ever see people at all. So, I found a playgroup that met once a week. Made some great friends that way. I highly recommend it if you can find one to take up another bit of time in your week. Doesn’t even matter that the baby may not be old enough to really play yet. All the mommies at playgroup agree that we come for ourselves, too. It’s just nice to be able to tell birth stories and talk about how your baby smiled for the first time last week AND not feel totally boring when you do it.
Posted by: Krista
hang in there – you are maybe still adjusting – give yourself time for those butterfly wings to emerge (been there, still doing it…)
Posted by: nat
Playgroup saved my sanity. Which is funny, because after a couple of years of depending on it weekly and being freaked out if it was cancelled, I grew to hate it. It turns out that I don’t really like the way a lot of other parents approach parenthood or the sugary way they talk to their kids and it drove me up the wall. But until my daughter could carry on a good conversation, playgroup did it for me. (Also the coffee, which was the worst percolated stuff with powdered creamer, but for some reason the ritual of it was something I always looked forward to.)
This is a great post because I have been saying that if you look at a woman doing grocery shopping alone compared to one shopping with a baby (especially a toddler), their experiences could not be more different, but you might not know it on the outside. The woman with the baby no longer has the privilege of uninterrupted thought. Ever. That’s a big thing to lose for a while!
Posted by: jessie
The world will grow again and you will miss this period when time has a softer pace. It too is a new experience, cherish it because it will not come back.
Who does NOT want to hear about muffins?
Posted by: Emma
Sounds like my life really. Only with the difference that I have no good muffins or a coffee house down the road. And that baby-yoga class already made me so jealous last time you mentioned it. Now, I have the second coming, I am quite scared if I will ever ever see anybody my age again. Thank god for the Internet I say!
Posted by: julia
Been there too! My oldest is now 18 and I can still remember those times. Your little one is still new and so is your life. You will find your niche. I can remember when I had felt that way I tried joining various groups in the community. I started teaching art classes a couple evenings a week for the local community education. I also enjoyed doing event set-up with older moms for our local church. For some reason getting together setting up tables and chairs, planning events and chatting helped me. All just to feel somewhat like my old self. I tried the playdate thing, that didn’t work for me. It was great for the child, but in the new rural area I had moved to I just wasn’t like the other moms. I didn’t do Tupperware, candle parties, nor did I have anything in common with them. In this area high school was a goal, college was foreign. (Eventually I did find people that I had things in common after my second child started the playdate thing.)
I remember one time being at a party with my husband and I was telling a story. I stopped in the middle and actually excused myself from finishing. I had to explain that I didn’t have an ending for it, because it had been so long since I had completed a story. When my husband was my only means of communication (ouside of the short chatter with the kids) he really wouldn’t listen to me when he got home. He would usually drift away during our discussions. I had been so out of practice, that I couldn’t get through it! Eventually I would keep practicing in groups and force myself to finish the stories or thoughts. Now I think people would wish I would stop mid-sentence. 🙂
Hang in there! 🙂
Posted by: Ewe-niss
Oh, boy. This sounds very familiar.
It took me a while to get my self back together. One of the things that helped was play group. Three days a week from 9-11:20. Obviously it was excellent for the kids, but I liked to say that it was to socialize their mommy.
Thumper is quite old enough to go, if you can find one in your area and you have the time.
Good luck!
Posted by: LaurieM
sigh. yes. understand it all. felt/feel the same way. it took until she was about 5 months for me to start reclaiming parts of my life, but there are still things i really really miss that in part made me ‘me’. wouldn’t change a thing, but this whole mommy business takes some timme to adjust to.
Posted by: rebecca
Sounds like my life really. Only with the difference that I have no good muffins or a coffee house down the road. And that baby-yoga class already made me so jealous last time you mentioned it. Now, I have the second coming, I am quite scared if I will ever ever see anybody my age again. Thank god for the Internet I say!
Posted by: julia
Been there too! My oldest is now 18 and I can still remember those times. Your little one is still new and so is your life. You will find your niche. I can remember when I had felt that way I tried joining various groups in the community. I started teaching art classes a couple evenings a week for the local community education. I also enjoyed doing event set-up with older moms for our local church. For some reason getting together setting up tables and chairs, planning events and chatting helped me. All just to feel somewhat like my old self. I tried the playdate thing, that didn’t work for me. It was great for the child, but in the new rural area I had moved to I just wasn’t like the other moms. I didn’t do Tupperware, candle parties, nor did I have anything in common with them. In this area high school was a goal, college was foreign. (Eventually I did find people that I had things in common after my second child started the playdate thing.)
I remember one time being at a party with my husband and I was telling a story. I stopped in the middle and actually excused myself from finishing. I had to explain that I didn’t have an ending for it, because it had been so long since I had completed a story. When my husband was my only means of communication (ouside of the short chatter with the kids) he really wouldn’t listen to me when he got home. He would usually drift away during our discussions. I had been so out of practice, that I couldn’t get through it! Eventually I would keep practicing in groups and force myself to finish the stories or thoughts. Now I think people would wish I would stop mid-sentence. 🙂
Hang in there! 🙂
Posted by: Ewe-niss
Oh, boy. This sounds very familiar.
It took me a while to get my self back together. One of the things that helped was play group. Three days a week from 9-11:20. Obviously it was excellent for the kids, but I liked to say that it was to socialize their mommy.
Thumper is quite old enough to go, if you can find one in your area and you have the time.
Good luck!
Posted by: LaurieM
sigh. yes. understand it all. felt/feel the same way. it took until she was about 5 months for me to start reclaiming parts of my life, but there are still things i really really miss that in part made me ‘me’. wouldn’t change a thing, but this whole mommy business takes some timme to adjust to.
Posted by: rebecca
I assure you that you are more interesting, talking about muffins and Thumper and the counter staff (tell us about the counter staff!) at the coffee shop (hey, Baxter got The Art of Love out of no more setting than that) than MFA students are when they’re profoundly debating Life. It’s that recurring line from Crowley’s Little, Big — “The farther in you go, the bigger it gets.” May not feel it from in there, but the difference is visible from out here. Just keep telling us about it.
Posted by: rams
Yes, understood. Once Thumper starts walking and talking and interacting more…it changes. Still hard at times but sometimes very good. I truly enjoy my children’s company. I get so much from them that sometimes I don’t think it is right. They crack me up. And blow me away. It’s good. Take care.
Posted by: Kathleen
How well I remember those days with Bean! It does get better as they get older. Sign up for those inane baby gym classes once he’s about 6 months old. That helped alot because you are with a group of other mothers who have kids the same age. I find that, although I didn’t really make friends with anyone in a permanent way at that time, I run into those same people all the time. Especially now that Bean is in pre-school.
Cherish the time you have now and remember that everything changes so fast that you will look back and barely remember those times.
Posted by: liz
Heard Billy Bragg(?) on interviewed on the radio this weekend. He said that if having children doesn’t change the way you see the world, you’re not doing it right. Almost twenty-three years into this mothering thing I know he is right. At the beginning, it changes the scope of your world, ultimately it changes everything. I don’t mean to be syrupy. Being a mother is the hardest thing I have ever done. And it has long days of frustration, boredom and panic that maybe you’ll forget how to talk to a grown-up. At the same time, there is a passion to the way I look at the world that was not there before. And I know so much more about myself.
Hang in there.
Posted by: Lee
It can be profoundly lonely at home with an infant, but it will get better as Thumper gets older and is better company and more fun. I guess there are some women who just love that time when it’s just them and the baby together in a cocoon – I’ve even known a few. But I think most of us feel suddenly and disconcertingly disconnected from our former selves. It doesn’t help that to the outer world we seem to become – well, not invisible but just a “type,” you know what I mean? One day we are professional, competent woman telling, for example, the electricians and painters how we want things done, the next day those same workers take one look at us with baby on hip and say, “Is your husband home so he can tell me what needs to be done?” It certainly made me understand where those early feminists were coming from. The solution? Don’t have one. Getting together with other compatible moms with kids the same age, as others have already said, is a life saver for you but doesn’t address the basic problem – how to be the best mother in the world and still be a complete and interesting person?
Posted by: Mary K. in Rockport
Great post. I will continue to evolve, albeit slowly. But, you are a different person from a year ago, no doubt about that. (BTW, I’ll be the one at Rhinebeck who can only talk about kids soccer — muffins is WAY more interesting!)
Posted by: Kathy
As always, I bow to the wisdom of Rams. I can’t say it better than she did, but will add my voice to those telling you we still find you very interesting and love coming to read about you and Thumper and Billy and muffins, or anything else you want to tell us about.
There’s never anything dull in watching the world develop in your son’s eyes. I’m still enjoying that with my now 5 year old. I took him as my date to a wedding recently because I enjoy his company and wanted my friends to meet him, and see this person who’s such a big part of who I am now. None of these friends had known me before motherhood, but I know in my soul I’m a better person now than I was before. I may not be able to discuss any book in depth that wasn’t written by Tonka, but I’m more thoughtful, more willing to explore or just sit and listen to things quietly. And I’ve found the joy of jumping in puddles in the rain.
Posted by: Rachel H
I assure you that you are more interesting, talking about muffins and Thumper and the counter staff (tell us about the counter staff!) at the coffee shop (hey, Baxter got The Art of Love out of no more setting than that) than MFA students are when they’re profoundly debating Life. It’s that recurring line from Crowley’s Little, Big — “The farther in you go, the bigger it gets.” May not feel it from in there, but the difference is visible from out here. Just keep telling us about it.
Posted by: rams
Yes, understood. Once Thumper starts walking and talking and interacting more…it changes. Still hard at times but sometimes very good. I truly enjoy my children’s company. I get so much from them that sometimes I don’t think it is right. They crack me up. And blow me away. It’s good. Take care.
Posted by: Kathleen
How well I remember those days with Bean! It does get better as they get older. Sign up for those inane baby gym classes once he’s about 6 months old. That helped alot because you are with a group of other mothers who have kids the same age. I find that, although I didn’t really make friends with anyone in a permanent way at that time, I run into those same people all the time. Especially now that Bean is in pre-school.
Cherish the time you have now and remember that everything changes so fast that you will look back and barely remember those times.
Posted by: liz
Heard Billy Bragg(?) on interviewed on the radio this weekend. He said that if having children doesn’t change the way you see the world, you’re not doing it right. Almost twenty-three years into this mothering thing I know he is right. At the beginning, it changes the scope of your world, ultimately it changes everything. I don’t mean to be syrupy. Being a mother is the hardest thing I have ever done. And it has long days of frustration, boredom and panic that maybe you’ll forget how to talk to a grown-up. At the same time, there is a passion to the way I look at the world that was not there before. And I know so much more about myself.
Hang in there.
Posted by: Lee
It can be profoundly lonely at home with an infant, but it will get better as Thumper gets older and is better company and more fun. I guess there are some women who just love that time when it’s just them and the baby together in a cocoon – I’ve even known a few. But I think most of us feel suddenly and disconcertingly disconnected from our former selves. It doesn’t help that to the outer world we seem to become – well, not invisible but just a “type,” you know what I mean? One day we are professional, competent woman telling, for example, the electricians and painters how we want things done, the next day those same workers take one look at us with baby on hip and say, “Is your husband home so he can tell me what needs to be done?” It certainly made me understand where those early feminists were coming from. The solution? Don’t have one. Getting together with other compatible moms with kids the same age, as others have already said, is a life saver for you but doesn’t address the basic problem – how to be the best mother in the world and still be a complete and interesting person?
Posted by: Mary K. in Rockport
Great post. I will continue to evolve, albeit slowly. But, you are a different person from a year ago, no doubt about that. (BTW, I’ll be the one at Rhinebeck who can only talk about kids soccer — muffins is WAY more interesting!)
Posted by: Kathy
As always, I bow to the wisdom of Rams. I can’t say it better than she did, but will add my voice to those telling you we still find you very interesting and love coming to read about you and Thumper and Billy and muffins, or anything else you want to tell us about.
There’s never anything dull in watching the world develop in your son’s eyes. I’m still enjoying that with my now 5 year old. I took him as my date to a wedding recently because I enjoy his company and wanted my friends to meet him, and see this person who’s such a big part of who I am now. None of these friends had known me before motherhood, but I know in my soul I’m a better person now than I was before. I may not be able to discuss any book in depth that wasn’t written by Tonka, but I’m more thoughtful, more willing to explore or just sit and listen to things quietly. And I’ve found the joy of jumping in puddles in the rain.
Posted by: Rachel H
Even home with a baby I’d say you’re more interesting than most everyone I know.
Posted by: Carole
My boy turned two in July. He weaned at about 25 months and loved his marathon nursing sessions from infancy until weaning. So my world was reduced to the couch or rocking chair for hours at a time every day. I read 30 books. I was in the middle of one when he weaned and I haven’t been able to finish it. And I probably won’t until I have another nursling. I don’t have that kind of uninterrupted time anymore.
This part of Thumper’s life offers you something unique. Find it and enjoy it, because this stage will pass.
PS. I wouldn’t trade my two-year-old for an infant and oodles of reading time. My life is a lot more managable now and my boy is a lot easier to care for. You will make it.
Posted by: casio
Thank you for being so honest.
Posted by: ScaryBez
You’re an excellent writer and your book will sell. Stay strong!
Posted by: Em
Right there with ya, babe.
Had the kid (I think ours share the same birthday a year apart? June 14, 2005 for Slim), then moved a month later to a small condo in DC (where I didn’t know anyone), sold our house, and had 4 months of hellish breastfeeding to go through before it started working smoothly.
There were many conversations with my husband about pumping, poopy diapers and sleep schedules and nothing else. I lost contact with some single friends because I made their eyes glass over.
I still worry that I don’t know what to say to other grownups after a whole day of reading books, watching Sesame Street and naming all the cars and trucks we pass on the way to the park. Applying to law school this fall is starting to work my atrophied brain cells.
Don’t really have any wisdom to share, but I feel you. We’ll get through this. It’s worth it when Slim smiles and signs “thank you” after getting Cheerios for snack.
Posted by: Ginny
When Noah was born 9+ years ago, I was shocked by the social isolation that came along with his arrival. I was new to Jersey City and the first of my friends to have a baby, so it was a huge adjustment, and the first few months were very lonely. When he turned four months old, i went back to my office job. I looked so forward to adult interaction, so i was completely unprepared for how desperately I would miss him: I sobbed my way to the train every morning and watched the clock until it was time to leave. I would literally run the seven blocks home from the train and practically snatch him from the sitter. Of course i eventually got into a groove, but I’ve struggled with the balancing act ever since. After Hannah was born, it was a cakewalk by comparison. It does get easier, I promise. And no matter how boring you might think you are, nothing could be further from the truth. You can inundate me with stories about Thumper and muffins and walks through your neighborhood all you want. Sending you much love. Can’t wait to see you all this weekend.
Posted by: regina
Like everyone before, I am going to say it is tough. You don’t even realize how lonely you are because you are so busy nursing, changing diapers, etc. Somedays I would leave and go to B-n-N just to be around other people. Listen to their conversations. It will get better – remember every other mom out there is like you.
Posted by: Holly Jo
Even home with a baby I’d say you’re more interesting than most everyone I know.
Posted by: Carole
My boy turned two in July. He weaned at about 25 months and loved his marathon nursing sessions from infancy until weaning. So my world was reduced to the couch or rocking chair for hours at a time every day. I read 30 books. I was in the middle of one when he weaned and I haven’t been able to finish it. And I probably won’t until I have another nursling. I don’t have that kind of uninterrupted time anymore.
This part of Thumper’s life offers you something unique. Find it and enjoy it, because this stage will pass.
PS. I wouldn’t trade my two-year-old for an infant and oodles of reading time. My life is a lot more managable now and my boy is a lot easier to care for. You will make it.
Posted by: casio
Thank you for being so honest.
Posted by: ScaryBez
You’re an excellent writer and your book will sell. Stay strong!
Posted by: Em
Right there with ya, babe.
Had the kid (I think ours share the same birthday a year apart? June 14, 2005 for Slim), then moved a month later to a small condo in DC (where I didn’t know anyone), sold our house, and had 4 months of hellish breastfeeding to go through before it started working smoothly.
There were many conversations with my husband about pumping, poopy diapers and sleep schedules and nothing else. I lost contact with some single friends because I made their eyes glass over.
I still worry that I don’t know what to say to other grownups after a whole day of reading books, watching Sesame Street and naming all the cars and trucks we pass on the way to the park. Applying to law school this fall is starting to work my atrophied brain cells.
Don’t really have any wisdom to share, but I feel you. We’ll get through this. It’s worth it when Slim smiles and signs “thank you” after getting Cheerios for snack.
Posted by: Ginny
When Noah was born 9+ years ago, I was shocked by the social isolation that came along with his arrival. I was new to Jersey City and the first of my friends to have a baby, so it was a huge adjustment, and the first few months were very lonely. When he turned four months old, i went back to my office job. I looked so forward to adult interaction, so i was completely unprepared for how desperately I would miss him: I sobbed my way to the train every morning and watched the clock until it was time to leave. I would literally run the seven blocks home from the train and practically snatch him from the sitter. Of course i eventually got into a groove, but I’ve struggled with the balancing act ever since. After Hannah was born, it was a cakewalk by comparison. It does get easier, I promise. And no matter how boring you might think you are, nothing could be further from the truth. You can inundate me with stories about Thumper and muffins and walks through your neighborhood all you want. Sending you much love. Can’t wait to see you all this weekend.
Posted by: regina
Like everyone before, I am going to say it is tough. You don’t even realize how lonely you are because you are so busy nursing, changing diapers, etc. Somedays I would leave and go to B-n-N just to be around other people. Listen to their conversations. It will get better – remember every other mom out there is like you.
Posted by: Holly Jo
Just wanted to send a hug. I’ll e-mail you….
Posted by: alison
(Try doing it out in the boonies, estranged from your birth family and having no friends. Not that you opened up a competition of postnatal misery or anything…)
And my daughter is 21 years old, she’s had an interesting life and most of our living and interests have been vicarious for that entire 21 years. And I wouldn’t change a thing. We done good.
And you’re doing good. You’ll sell that novel when the time is right. Imagine if you had this past year….with the new baby and all the travel and crap….You’d have wished you hadn’t sold it quite yet.
Mwah.
Posted by: Norma
Amen, sister. There’s a song from an animated mermaid film that goes, “I wanna be where the people are…” I used to sing that in my head when I got really bored. Yes- I was Just. That. Bored. Didn’t help that when my girl was born, I lived in a neighborhood where I had serious language and cultural differences with my neighbors, so there wasn’t a lot of interaction.
You know, I could use a decent muffin….
Posted by: Iris
I remember watching my sister’s world change when she started her family. It contracted, just like you say – but that hasn’t lasted.
There are more worlds to come. 🙂
Posted by: David
Eloquent post. It brought me right back to when I was staying at home with my infant son and living in Brooklyn. I felt the same little bit of loneliness, isolation and living in a much smaller world. I remember how it was a big outing to go to the store or the coffee shop just to get out and about. Going to the park to hang with the other moms even though my son was too small to play. Your world really does shrink, but then one day, you look at your kid and think, who are you, how did you get here? Suddenly the baby is now a real kid with opinions and likes and dislikes. He’s a person you truly connect with and can do fun things with. Before you know it, your world is larger but definitely different from your pre-baby world. Before I had Liam, now almost 7 years old, I would go to flea markets and auctions by myself. Now I take Liam and he is so into it; pointing out things he think I might like, making observations about the odd people we see, and buying baseball cards for his own collection. Motherhood is truly amazing (and amazingly boring and a pain in the ass sometimes) and changes your life in so many unexpected wonderful ways. Hope to see you & Thumper at Rhinebeck.
Posted by: Kim P
And what a year it has been! You have wonderful Thumper and while your life may have gotten smaller in physical size, it has grown so much in spirit.
Now this is the year for the novel to sell. I have faith! One baby a year for you!
Posted by: Rebecca
when friends or family ask how my day was, i just blink and say, my life is like groundhog day. but really my little guy (3 months) does something extraordinary every day. this week he’s discovered splashing in the tub, cramming everything into his mouth, and turning his head with bashfull grins.
i have yet to venture out to play groups or sign up for salsa baby dance class. i’m considering heading out for a walk today if the timing is right.
but yeah, mostly i read celebrity gossip sites so i have something besides baby to talk about with my knitting group.
while i enjoyed your posts before, i’ve really appreciated them this past year because they’ve given me a heads up on many things during pregnancy, breastfeeding, etc.. so many times i’ve nodded and thought, exactly! so please post about muffins, post plenty of pictures of thumper, and keep telling it like it is.
Posted by: angela
Just wanted to send a hug. I’ll e-mail you….
Posted by: alison
(Try doing it out in the boonies, estranged from your birth family and having no friends. Not that you opened up a competition of postnatal misery or anything…)
And my daughter is 21 years old, she’s had an interesting life and most of our living and interests have been vicarious for that entire 21 years. And I wouldn’t change a thing. We done good.
And you’re doing good. You’ll sell that novel when the time is right. Imagine if you had this past year….with the new baby and all the travel and crap….You’d have wished you hadn’t sold it quite yet.
Mwah.
Posted by: Norma
Amen, sister. There’s a song from an animated mermaid film that goes, “I wanna be where the people are…” I used to sing that in my head when I got really bored. Yes- I was Just. That. Bored. Didn’t help that when my girl was born, I lived in a neighborhood where I had serious language and cultural differences with my neighbors, so there wasn’t a lot of interaction.
You know, I could use a decent muffin….
Posted by: Iris
I remember watching my sister’s world change when she started her family. It contracted, just like you say – but that hasn’t lasted.
There are more worlds to come. 🙂
Posted by: David
Eloquent post. It brought me right back to when I was staying at home with my infant son and living in Brooklyn. I felt the same little bit of loneliness, isolation and living in a much smaller world. I remember how it was a big outing to go to the store or the coffee shop just to get out and about. Going to the park to hang with the other moms even though my son was too small to play. Your world really does shrink, but then one day, you look at your kid and think, who are you, how did you get here? Suddenly the baby is now a real kid with opinions and likes and dislikes. He’s a person you truly connect with and can do fun things with. Before you know it, your world is larger but definitely different from your pre-baby world. Before I had Liam, now almost 7 years old, I would go to flea markets and auctions by myself. Now I take Liam and he is so into it; pointing out things he think I might like, making observations about the odd people we see, and buying baseball cards for his own collection. Motherhood is truly amazing (and amazingly boring and a pain in the ass sometimes) and changes your life in so many unexpected wonderful ways. Hope to see you & Thumper at Rhinebeck.
Posted by: Kim P
And what a year it has been! You have wonderful Thumper and while your life may have gotten smaller in physical size, it has grown so much in spirit.
Now this is the year for the novel to sell. I have faith! One baby a year for you!
Posted by: Rebecca
when friends or family ask how my day was, i just blink and say, my life is like groundhog day. but really my little guy (3 months) does something extraordinary every day. this week he’s discovered splashing in the tub, cramming everything into his mouth, and turning his head with bashfull grins.
i have yet to venture out to play groups or sign up for salsa baby dance class. i’m considering heading out for a walk today if the timing is right.
but yeah, mostly i read celebrity gossip sites so i have something besides baby to talk about with my knitting group.
while i enjoyed your posts before, i’ve really appreciated them this past year because they’ve given me a heads up on many things during pregnancy, breastfeeding, etc.. so many times i’ve nodded and thought, exactly! so please post about muffins, post plenty of pictures of thumper, and keep telling it like it is.
Posted by: angela
Ditto. Isn’t it amazing? And then throw in the wrench of going back to work and see your world collapse and expand yet again. Fortunately, you and I have the sweetest, yummiest babies and it’s all more than worthwhile. xoxo
Posted by: Karma
Lovely post. No babies yet, but soon. The comments have been great and I can’t add more really, except that mundane little conversations about nothing are an essential part of life, with or without baby I think. Remember Seinfeld? Totally about muffins. Adjustment to change takes time and from what we can see you’re doing wonderfully. Keep it up Wondermom!
Posted by: Heather
O tiny world and full, that hath such muffins in’t!
Posted by: kel
Man, all I talk about is yarn and where you can get a good mochacino – I have neither a child nor a book deal.
Maybe a baby would expand my horizons.
Posted by: Steph VW
Wonderful post. Welcome to our world – you’re not alone, although you may feel like you are. It’ll take time, but your world will eventually get a little wider. As Thumper grows, you’ll meet other moms (because, really, those are the ones who honestly understand where you’re coming from), and you’ll get a lot better at managing the little man by yourself. You’ll find yourself again – or, you’ll find a new you. Either way, congrats on the eventful year. Here’s to many, many more fabulous years.
Posted by: Sharon G.
Just remember, Cari, that life is in the details. The littleness, the small moments, all of that is where the true contact is, the closeness with others. The big stuff is awesome too, but you can’t forget the beauty of the muffins.
Posted by: Jaimi
Ditto. Isn’t it amazing? And then throw in the wrench of going back to work and see your world collapse and expand yet again. Fortunately, you and I have the sweetest, yummiest babies and it’s all more than worthwhile. xoxo
Posted by: Karma
Lovely post. No babies yet, but soon. The comments have been great and I can’t add more really, except that mundane little conversations about nothing are an essential part of life, with or without baby I think. Remember Seinfeld? Totally about muffins. Adjustment to change takes time and from what we can see you’re doing wonderfully. Keep it up Wondermom!
Posted by: Heather
O tiny world and full, that hath such muffins in’t!
Posted by: kel
Man, all I talk about is yarn and where you can get a good mochacino – I have neither a child nor a book deal.
Maybe a baby would expand my horizons.
Posted by: Steph VW
Wonderful post. Welcome to our world – you’re not alone, although you may feel like you are. It’ll take time, but your world will eventually get a little wider. As Thumper grows, you’ll meet other moms (because, really, those are the ones who honestly understand where you’re coming from), and you’ll get a lot better at managing the little man by yourself. You’ll find yourself again – or, you’ll find a new you. Either way, congrats on the eventful year. Here’s to many, many more fabulous years.
Posted by: Sharon G.
Just remember, Cari, that life is in the details. The littleness, the small moments, all of that is where the true contact is, the closeness with others. The big stuff is awesome too, but you can’t forget the beauty of the muffins.
Posted by: Jaimi
how would one get through life were it only the deep, heavy, thick with meaning moments and no moments just to live?
sometimes muffins are what there is.
Posted by: carolyn
I like that you’re writing about this stuff. I like that you’re being changed, and you’re aware of it. It’s going to do good things to your writing.
I’m a single mother – I have two sons, a 24-year-old son, and a 12-year-old. I knew for sure I didn’t want to be a single mother again when I got pregnant with my second son. Lots of discussions with my then-husband, he was committed. But really he wasn’t, and here I am. And it’s exhausting and isolating and frustrating and my world is very small. It changes everything. I adore my son. But only having one adult responsible for everything, one income – it’s really really hard.
Posted by: Patti
I’ve been checking in on your blog for a bit – enjoying the knitting within and pictures of your darling little guy, but this post really resonated with me and I thought I’d take the opportunity to comment.
I was just talking to my mom today about similar feelings I’ve had/do have ever since the birth of my now 17 month old, Eli. I’m home with him, like you with Thumper… and it DOES take some getting used to. It’s not as though it’s a one-time adjustment either – the getting used to just keeps coming. What I’ve found is that what is hard at one point in babyhood changes; what is hard today will not be hard a few months from now. Different things will be hard – different things will be joyful. And you are so right, blessings can kick ass just as surely as difficulty. Change is change and I think folks, me included, underestimate the wherewithall needed to integrate change – even the most life-expanding ones. It sounds like you are on to that… and that is where it’s at.
I find myself often talking about things like muffins, my versions on the theme being coffee, neighbor’s gardens, the great new sandwich at the corner cafe. You know… muffins. And I try to tell myself that it’s part of being with a baby/toddler. Life has slowed in many ways and I have time to notice what coming up in the neighborhood and to contemplate making something new for dinner. It’s boring as hell sometimes, but sometimes it’s good. And who knows when I’ll have the time/luxury to pay such careful attention to these more delicate life details again.
Also, it is Fall. I notice that my sensitivity increases this time of year. It’s not bad, but it’s a bit painful. I’m more easily moved to tears by things that really suck in the world, as well as things that are totally life affirming and inspiring. I’m trying to have patience with myself on this point and love the process. I hope you are able to do the same.
Finally, I’m going to share a quote with you. Maybe you’ve heard it before, but I try really hard to keep it in my mind and my heart all the time, because it’s smart and good and helpful (and who doesn’t need all that?) The ever-awesome Rainer Maria Rilke wrote/said this: I beg you to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without ever noticing it, live your way into the answer…
I think reading and responding to your post has been cathartic for me. Here’s to muffins and thanks for the lovely post.
Posted by: Jessica
So many others have said it before me…but your post spoke to me and brought so many memories of my own thoughts when my son was born…17 years ago…I shared your post with my husband and we had a good conversation about life changing for all…excellent posting…thank you…j
Posted by: Julia in KW
Oh. Hm. Yeah. Things change. What you think about. What you talk about and who you tell it to. And why. Don’t worry – it won’t be like this forever. Thumper will get bigger. This is he time to evaluate how close together you want your children to be in age (if you plan to have more) because the longer you wait the longer you drag out the importance of muffins. Muffins are incredibly important – but. You know what I’m saying. From a different angle, however, having a baby seems to be sweeter and you seem to be able to enjoy the littlest things (like muffins) the older you get. This makes no sense (reading back). Your post though, and the number of great comments, shows that you’re not alone.
Posted by: Laura
Pardon me if it’s already been said… I didn’t read the comments before mine… but it’s like you were speaking for me. My own little Thumper is eleven weeks old tomorrow – and my life is so radically different from the one I live now that it’s scary; and it can be sad, too. I think we’re allowed to be a little sad amid the obvious joy of our new children. I sometimes feel selfish about it, but I am glad to know that I’m not alone in feeling this way. Thanks, Cari – for being an honest, yarn haired, striped tights- and red clog- wearing new mom. 🙂
Posted by: Liz
I hear you, sister. My daughter has just turned four and I’m “just” getting back into the swing of things. I still don’t know what it is like to shop alone or drive in the car alone, or listen to the news (alone), and I still wear the old sweats and whatnot, but at least I’m hoping for new things, which I think is a step in the right direction.
I love my girl. I love her like you love your boy. But that’s the thing with biology. You are Mom, now, and that takes first place, at least for now.
I liked your post. It struck a chord.
Posted by: wendy
how would one get through life were it only the deep, heavy, thick with meaning moments and no moments just to live?
sometimes muffins are what there is.
Posted by: carolyn
I like that you’re writing about this stuff. I like that you’re being changed, and you’re aware of it. It’s going to do good things to your writing.
I’m a single mother – I have two sons, a 24-year-old son, and a 12-year-old. I knew for sure I didn’t want to be a single mother again when I got pregnant with my second son. Lots of discussions with my then-husband, he was committed. But really he wasn’t, and here I am. And it’s exhausting and isolating and frustrating and my world is very small. It changes everything. I adore my son. But only having one adult responsible for everything, one income – it’s really really hard.
Posted by: Patti
I’ve been checking in on your blog for a bit – enjoying the knitting within and pictures of your darling little guy, but this post really resonated with me and I thought I’d take the opportunity to comment.
I was just talking to my mom today about similar feelings I’ve had/do have ever since the birth of my now 17 month old, Eli. I’m home with him, like you with Thumper… and it DOES take some getting used to. It’s not as though it’s a one-time adjustment either – the getting used to just keeps coming. What I’ve found is that what is hard at one point in babyhood changes; what is hard today will not be hard a few months from now. Different things will be hard – different things will be joyful. And you are so right, blessings can kick ass just as surely as difficulty. Change is change and I think folks, me included, underestimate the wherewithall needed to integrate change – even the most life-expanding ones. It sounds like you are on to that… and that is where it’s at.
I find myself often talking about things like muffins, my versions on the theme being coffee, neighbor’s gardens, the great new sandwich at the corner cafe. You know… muffins. And I try to tell myself that it’s part of being with a baby/toddler. Life has slowed in many ways and I have time to notice what coming up in the neighborhood and to contemplate making something new for dinner. It’s boring as hell sometimes, but sometimes it’s good. And who knows when I’ll have the time/luxury to pay such careful attention to these more delicate life details again.
Also, it is Fall. I notice that my sensitivity increases this time of year. It’s not bad, but it’s a bit painful. I’m more easily moved to tears by things that really suck in the world, as well as things that are totally life affirming and inspiring. I’m trying to have patience with myself on this point and love the process. I hope you are able to do the same.
Finally, I’m going to share a quote with you. Maybe you’ve heard it before, but I try really hard to keep it in my mind and my heart all the time, because it’s smart and good and helpful (and who doesn’t need all that?) The ever-awesome Rainer Maria Rilke wrote/said this: I beg you to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without ever noticing it, live your way into the answer…
I think reading and responding to your post has been cathartic for me. Here’s to muffins and thanks for the lovely post.
Posted by: Jessica
So many others have said it before me…but your post spoke to me and brought so many memories of my own thoughts when my son was born…17 years ago…I shared your post with my husband and we had a good conversation about life changing for all…excellent posting…thank you…j
Posted by: Julia in KW
Oh. Hm. Yeah. Things change. What you think about. What you talk about and who you tell it to. And why. Don’t worry – it won’t be like this forever. Thumper will get bigger. This is he time to evaluate how close together you want your children to be in age (if you plan to have more) because the longer you wait the longer you drag out the importance of muffins. Muffins are incredibly important – but. You know what I’m saying. From a different angle, however, having a baby seems to be sweeter and you seem to be able to enjoy the littlest things (like muffins) the older you get. This makes no sense (reading back). Your post though, and the number of great comments, shows that you’re not alone.
Posted by: Laura
Pardon me if it’s already been said… I didn’t read the comments before mine… but it’s like you were speaking for me. My own little Thumper is eleven weeks old tomorrow – and my life is so radically different from the one I live now that it’s scary; and it can be sad, too. I think we’re allowed to be a little sad amid the obvious joy of our new children. I sometimes feel selfish about it, but I am glad to know that I’m not alone in feeling this way. Thanks, Cari – for being an honest, yarn haired, striped tights- and red clog- wearing new mom. 🙂
Posted by: Liz
I hear you, sister. My daughter has just turned four and I’m “just” getting back into the swing of things. I still don’t know what it is like to shop alone or drive in the car alone, or listen to the news (alone), and I still wear the old sweats and whatnot, but at least I’m hoping for new things, which I think is a step in the right direction.
I love my girl. I love her like you love your boy. But that’s the thing with biology. You are Mom, now, and that takes first place, at least for now.
I liked your post. It struck a chord.
Posted by: wendy
Of course you talk about your baby alot. That’s a monumental thing for everyone! I still remember the day I found out I was preg and all the events that followed, well most (that was 17 yrs ago). You are still you. You have your work, your novel (published or not, it’s yours) your knitting, and your muffins too. Life is good 😉
Posted by: Craol
Um, I don’t know if this’ll make you feel better or worse, but when I found some photos over the weekend of my boy and dog when boy was a baby, my first thought was how much I want to bring them to Rhinebeck to show you.
By the way, how is that evil foundling kitten of yours?
Posted by: Rachel H
Um, I don’t know if this’ll make you feel better or worse, but when I found some photos over the weekend of my boy and dog when boy was a baby, my first thought was how much I want to bring them to Rhinebeck to show you.
By the way, how is that evil foundling kitten of yours?
Posted by: Rachel H
“blessings can kick your ass too” – WOW. That’s so incredibly well-put. I have often tried to put this type of thing into words when apologizing to my childless friends about not being able to talk about anything other than parenthood. Thank you for helping out, I will quote you often, I’m sure. See you soon, love.
PS – PHUC!! Yay!
Posted by: melanie
I hear ya. I feel that way too. I’ve been home with a sick boy for 2 days and I feel so boring. Boring and unproductive…. so different than my life before. I wouldn’t change it either, but I do with I could be more exciting.
welp, the boy is awake. better run.
Posted by: ashley
I had to read this post a couple times before I really understood what you were trying to say. It wasn’t your fault – it was mine. I’m too sensitive when it comes to my lack of husband and child so when someone sounds like they might be complaining about having everything that I don’t have, I have to stop and reread. Now I get what you’re trying to say, and I believe that you still understand how lucky you are. I’ve been reading your blog since you were “that girl” too, and to me you are still her, with some added bonuses. And anyone who talks about the same thing for a day isn’t boring – just passionate, and there are those who envy that. (Ask my parents how many times I’ve talked about my buddhist monk and someday trip to Japan – it doesn’t take motherhood to turn someone into a one-track talker. But other friends think it’s cool.) I’m so happy for you, even down to the fact that you can afford to pay for coffee in a cafe every day. You seem like a really great person and I think you deserve to live in a small world for a while.
Posted by: Jenn
I understand the loneliness and frustration with the huge slowing down of everything in your life, but I truly think that slowing down with a child forces you to stop and smell the flowers. When my son was first born, I plunked him in front of the t.v. set and cried when it just wasn’t doing it for either of us. I started making his clothes (these cute little jumpers with embroidery on the front) and then I designed these cute bibs with pictures of cats and whales etc. made out of contrasting fabric and machine embroidery with piping on the bib edges. I really enjoyed the creativity, and nap time for him was sewing time for me 🙂 As he grew, I’d make him more grown up clothes; little shorts in wild glow in the dark fabrics. I’d knit him little sweaters which he loved and I realized later that my finishing techniques weren’t great, because my son couldn’t wait to put on the sweater 🙂 and he wouldn’t take it off either 🙂
He just turned 25 October 9th and professes he’s not a sweater guy. However his friends are starting to have babies and I’m back to making kid’s clothes and loving it 🙂
While he was growing up, I was self-employed at home doing dicta-typing for lots of doctors and he would go with me on pick up and drop off days. He was included in conversations with the doctors and secretaries and he and I could discuss lots of things we liked together in the car and when we’d go out for lunch as a treat on those days.
I guess my point is, every group of years is a stage. Making the best of the stage makes it fascinating and fun. You just need to adapt to what you can do at his age that makes you both feel good.
Posted by: jan
Of course you talk about your baby alot. That’s a monumental thing for everyone! I still remember the day I found out I was preg and all the events that followed, well most (that was 17 yrs ago). You are still you. You have your work, your novel (published or not, it’s yours) your knitting, and your muffins too. Life is good 😉
Posted by: Craol
Um, I don’t know if this’ll make you feel better or worse, but when I found some photos over the weekend of my boy and dog when boy was a baby, my first thought was how much I want to bring them to Rhinebeck to show you.
By the way, how is that evil foundling kitten of yours?
Posted by: Rachel H
Um, I don’t know if this’ll make you feel better or worse, but when I found some photos over the weekend of my boy and dog when boy was a baby, my first thought was how much I want to bring them to Rhinebeck to show you.
By the way, how is that evil foundling kitten of yours?
Posted by: Rachel H
“blessings can kick your ass too” – WOW. That’s so incredibly well-put. I have often tried to put this type of thing into words when apologizing to my childless friends about not being able to talk about anything other than parenthood. Thank you for helping out, I will quote you often, I’m sure. See you soon, love.
PS – PHUC!! Yay!
Posted by: melanie
I hear ya. I feel that way too. I’ve been home with a sick boy for 2 days and I feel so boring. Boring and unproductive…. so different than my life before. I wouldn’t change it either, but I do with I could be more exciting.
welp, the boy is awake. better run.
Posted by: ashley
I had to read this post a couple times before I really understood what you were trying to say. It wasn’t your fault – it was mine. I’m too sensitive when it comes to my lack of husband and child so when someone sounds like they might be complaining about having everything that I don’t have, I have to stop and reread. Now I get what you’re trying to say, and I believe that you still understand how lucky you are. I’ve been reading your blog since you were “that girl” too, and to me you are still her, with some added bonuses. And anyone who talks about the same thing for a day isn’t boring – just passionate, and there are those who envy that. (Ask my parents how many times I’ve talked about my buddhist monk and someday trip to Japan – it doesn’t take motherhood to turn someone into a one-track talker. But other friends think it’s cool.) I’m so happy for you, even down to the fact that you can afford to pay for coffee in a cafe every day. You seem like a really great person and I think you deserve to live in a small world for a while.
Posted by: Jenn
I understand the loneliness and frustration with the huge slowing down of everything in your life, but I truly think that slowing down with a child forces you to stop and smell the flowers. When my son was first born, I plunked him in front of the t.v. set and cried when it just wasn’t doing it for either of us. I started making his clothes (these cute little jumpers with embroidery on the front) and then I designed these cute bibs with pictures of cats and whales etc. made out of contrasting fabric and machine embroidery with piping on the bib edges. I really enjoyed the creativity, and nap time for him was sewing time for me 🙂 As he grew, I’d make him more grown up clothes; little shorts in wild glow in the dark fabrics. I’d knit him little sweaters which he loved and I realized later that my finishing techniques weren’t great, because my son couldn’t wait to put on the sweater 🙂 and he wouldn’t take it off either 🙂
He just turned 25 October 9th and professes he’s not a sweater guy. However his friends are starting to have babies and I’m back to making kid’s clothes and loving it 🙂
While he was growing up, I was self-employed at home doing dicta-typing for lots of doctors and he would go with me on pick up and drop off days. He was included in conversations with the doctors and secretaries and he and I could discuss lots of things we liked together in the car and when we’d go out for lunch as a treat on those days.
I guess my point is, every group of years is a stage. Making the best of the stage makes it fascinating and fun. You just need to adapt to what you can do at his age that makes you both feel good.
Posted by: jan
This is a wonderfully honest post, that so many of us are able to relate to. It’s been many years since I’ve been in your place. I remember feeling the way you do, though, that my world became so small. Looking back it was as if it was happening under a microscope, all these tiny but important things happening that no one else could see, that I couldn’t even see until I narrowed and sharpened my focus. Gradually your world gets bigger, though. It does. And you sometimes try to break out, make things happen faster and at a grander scale. Sometimes it helps, and other times you realise that it’s too soon. It’s ok. It will get easier, and better, and richer for all the time you spend in this little world. It’s supposed to be like this. I think we are supposed to get “baby brain” as a matter of survival for our babies. It’s just hard because most of us are doing it without the daily help and support of an extended family or tribe. And we all parent differently now, so it’s hard to find a tribe to feel completely comfortable in.
Posted by: Bethany
I do sympathize with you. I remember looking forward to dentist appointments. Just for somebody to talk to. I’d think to myself: how can the days go by so quickly while the minutes go by so slowly? And now my teenage daughter is just a blur in the doorway. 🙂
Posted by: Bet
What Rams said. I really have nothing to add to that.
Posted by: Sneaksleep
See? I was just waiting for you to put it better than I could. Add moving continent and living with your mother, and you got my stamp. xoxoxox
Posted by: valentina
I’ve been reading your blog for ages, and it became that much more interesting after I found out I was expecting because you seem to cope with it all pretty well. I’m not even due until March, but I realized the other day that I spend a lot of time. .. I don’t know, not pretending that I’m not pregnant exactly, but pretending that my life isn’t going to change much once Sprout is here.
I live in a pretty small college town, and I don’t even know anyone in my age group who is pregnant because most people as my age are just graduating from University: they haven’t married, they want to establish some kind of career and move away before starting their lives. I try not to talk about pregnancy to my friends, not because I don’t have things to say, but because I’m afraid of becoming boring and I’m not all that convinced that they are interested anyway.
I know it isn’t exactly human contact, but there are definitely people out there who know where you are coming from.
Posted by: anemotis
You say everything just right.
…*sniffle*…
Different circumstances, same person.
Posted by: Steph
This is a wonderfully honest post, that so many of us are able to relate to. It’s been many years since I’ve been in your place. I remember feeling the way you do, though, that my world became so small. Looking back it was as if it was happening under a microscope, all these tiny but important things happening that no one else could see, that I couldn’t even see until I narrowed and sharpened my focus. Gradually your world gets bigger, though. It does. And you sometimes try to break out, make things happen faster and at a grander scale. Sometimes it helps, and other times you realise that it’s too soon. It’s ok. It will get easier, and better, and richer for all the time you spend in this little world. It’s supposed to be like this. I think we are supposed to get “baby brain” as a matter of survival for our babies. It’s just hard because most of us are doing it without the daily help and support of an extended family or tribe. And we all parent differently now, so it’s hard to find a tribe to feel completely comfortable in.
Posted by: Bethany
I do sympathize with you. I remember looking forward to dentist appointments. Just for somebody to talk to. I’d think to myself: how can the days go by so quickly while the minutes go by so slowly? And now my teenage daughter is just a blur in the doorway. 🙂
Posted by: Bet
What Rams said. I really have nothing to add to that.
Posted by: Sneaksleep
See? I was just waiting for you to put it better than I could. Add moving continent and living with your mother, and you got my stamp. xoxoxox
Posted by: valentina
I’ve been reading your blog for ages, and it became that much more interesting after I found out I was expecting because you seem to cope with it all pretty well. I’m not even due until March, but I realized the other day that I spend a lot of time. .. I don’t know, not pretending that I’m not pregnant exactly, but pretending that my life isn’t going to change much once Sprout is here.
I live in a pretty small college town, and I don’t even know anyone in my age group who is pregnant because most people as my age are just graduating from University: they haven’t married, they want to establish some kind of career and move away before starting their lives. I try not to talk about pregnancy to my friends, not because I don’t have things to say, but because I’m afraid of becoming boring and I’m not all that convinced that they are interested anyway.
I know it isn’t exactly human contact, but there are definitely people out there who know where you are coming from.
Posted by: anemotis
You say everything just right.
…*sniffle*…
Different circumstances, same person.
Posted by: Steph
I’m there too. My world has gotten very small, but I love my current small world more than the big world I had before. I have the best boss in the world, and while I sometimes apologise for being only able to talk about boobs, poo and spew at the moment, that is my current world and true friends will appreciate it.
Posted by: ginchy
Oh man can I relate! I just started working from home after having my third child. It’s definitely hard not being around others besides my family. I miss the people I worked with, and my self esteem has been in the toilet lately. I think it definitley helps to get out and do things alone. I try to go to stitch-ins once a week if possible. Good luck!!
P.S. It’s not muffins with me it’s should I go to Dunkin Donuts or Starbucks today, and I have long conversations about the difference with my husband. 🙂
Posted by: Nicole
Take a self-portrait pic today. So next year you’ll have a post just like this one, only wildly different.
Posted by: claudia
Hi, I am going through the same thing at the moment, my baby is about a month younger than Thumper, and I thought it was just me feeling this way. I am so glad that you have been so honest – in a sad way its so nice to know others are going through the same thing and that things get better.
Posted by: Sharon
Thought I’d de-lurk finally and say: Thanks for this post! I too am “pre-baby” and trying to imagine what life might be like with a child. It sounds like a huge, yet wonderful challenge. Best wishes to you- keep up the honesty and wonderful little glimpses of your world!
Posted by: Gina
Well-put.
Now that I’ve been back at work for a few months though, I wish my world was small again and I was a little less interesting.
Posted by: Marcie
From one SAHM to another…
I totally understand. Those little people somehow manage to change EVERYTHING when they arrive. You are not alone, and I find you interesting! I read your blog everytime you post 🙂
Hugs.
Posted by: Kim
I’m there too. My world has gotten very small, but I love my current small world more than the big world I had before. I have the best boss in the world, and while I sometimes apologise for being only able to talk about boobs, poo and spew at the moment, that is my current world and true friends will appreciate it.
Posted by: ginchy
Oh man can I relate! I just started working from home after having my third child. It’s definitely hard not being around others besides my family. I miss the people I worked with, and my self esteem has been in the toilet lately. I think it definitley helps to get out and do things alone. I try to go to stitch-ins once a week if possible. Good luck!!
P.S. It’s not muffins with me it’s should I go to Dunkin Donuts or Starbucks today, and I have long conversations about the difference with my husband. 🙂
Posted by: Nicole
Take a self-portrait pic today. So next year you’ll have a post just like this one, only wildly different.
Posted by: claudia
Hi, I am going through the same thing at the moment, my baby is about a month younger than Thumper, and I thought it was just me feeling this way. I am so glad that you have been so honest – in a sad way its so nice to know others are going through the same thing and that things get better.
Posted by: Sharon
Thought I’d de-lurk finally and say: Thanks for this post! I too am “pre-baby” and trying to imagine what life might be like with a child. It sounds like a huge, yet wonderful challenge. Best wishes to you- keep up the honesty and wonderful little glimpses of your world!
Posted by: Gina
Well-put.
Now that I’ve been back at work for a few months though, I wish my world was small again and I was a little less interesting.
Posted by: Marcie
From one SAHM to another…
I totally understand. Those little people somehow manage to change EVERYTHING when they arrive. You are not alone, and I find you interesting! I read your blog everytime you post 🙂
Hugs.
Posted by: Kim
Very well written. And thoughtful. We can all relate in some aspect to this. Just hang in there and keep getting out and looking for some joy in each day, no matter how small or how trivial others may think it is. I was there at one point. I remember when another mom and I decided to join the Y so that we could work out for an hour while our babies were in the nursery there. Holy freedom! We walked and sweated and chatted. And then we picked up our babies who we were again happy to see and headed back home. It was a life saver. That was 21 years ago. It was all worth it.
Posted by: Shelley (Pink House)
Coming out of lurkdom here…I totally understand. My kids are 10, 12 and 14 and there are still days when I feel as if all I know is “kid”. I have to remind myself that it’s okay, I’m doing some pretty important work here! Raising children is major stuff, and you should be a little obsessive about it, I think. Besides, that Thumper of yours is pretty darn cute, so why wouldn’t you want to talk about him all the time? 🙂 Hang in there, it does get easier.
Posted by: Steph Bolinger
I love this post. It really touched me, and with good reason. We’re 3-6 weeks away from meeting our little monkey, and I’m struggling with some of the ‘who am I now and how does that compare with who will I be after she’s born’ issues. I admire your honesty. I think you’re in a good place, and I hope to be similarly situated when it’s my turn. Warm wishes.
Posted by: Audrey
I can’t take the hour it would need to read these comments and probably the moment has passed. But I’m late and this is important.
Never in a million years could you be profoundly dull. Your life is different that it was – smaller maybe, more serious, and less self indulgent (and I don’t mean indulgent in a bad way) – and I can’t even begin to know what it is like for you at home with Thumper. When our worlds get smaller for whatever reason it takes an effort to keep ourselves big – but the baby is tremendous, of course you want to talk about him. It’s a huge thing, making a person, becoming a mother, staying home.
I’m glad you’ve got the muffins to get you out of the house a bit because new motherhood can be intensely lonely from what I’ve seen, and this world doesn’t make much allowence for it (the nobility of motherhood is supposed to be its own reward, right?).
I’m not making any sense. But never could you be dull. Even talking about muffins.
Posted by: Juno
Hmmm, that whole post sounded like the start of a new novel to me . . . . .
Posted by: Cheekiemary
Very well written. And thoughtful. We can all relate in some aspect to this. Just hang in there and keep getting out and looking for some joy in each day, no matter how small or how trivial others may think it is. I was there at one point. I remember when another mom and I decided to join the Y so that we could work out for an hour while our babies were in the nursery there. Holy freedom! We walked and sweated and chatted. And then we picked up our babies who we were again happy to see and headed back home. It was a life saver. That was 21 years ago. It was all worth it.
Posted by: Shelley (Pink House)
Coming out of lurkdom here…I totally understand. My kids are 10, 12 and 14 and there are still days when I feel as if all I know is “kid”. I have to remind myself that it’s okay, I’m doing some pretty important work here! Raising children is major stuff, and you should be a little obsessive about it, I think. Besides, that Thumper of yours is pretty darn cute, so why wouldn’t you want to talk about him all the time? 🙂 Hang in there, it does get easier.
Posted by: Steph Bolinger
I love this post. It really touched me, and with good reason. We’re 3-6 weeks away from meeting our little monkey, and I’m struggling with some of the ‘who am I now and how does that compare with who will I be after she’s born’ issues. I admire your honesty. I think you’re in a good place, and I hope to be similarly situated when it’s my turn. Warm wishes.
Posted by: Audrey
I can’t take the hour it would need to read these comments and probably the moment has passed. But I’m late and this is important.
Never in a million years could you be profoundly dull. Your life is different that it was – smaller maybe, more serious, and less self indulgent (and I don’t mean indulgent in a bad way) – and I can’t even begin to know what it is like for you at home with Thumper. When our worlds get smaller for whatever reason it takes an effort to keep ourselves big – but the baby is tremendous, of course you want to talk about him. It’s a huge thing, making a person, becoming a mother, staying home.
I’m glad you’ve got the muffins to get you out of the house a bit because new motherhood can be intensely lonely from what I’ve seen, and this world doesn’t make much allowence for it (the nobility of motherhood is supposed to be its own reward, right?).
I’m not making any sense. But never could you be dull. Even talking about muffins.
Posted by: Juno
Hmmm, that whole post sounded like the start of a new novel to me . . . . .
Posted by: Cheekiemary