The invisible mother
We trekked uptown yesterday to a holiday party at my mother-in-law’s apartment, the ancestral home on the Upper West Side. (Oh, how I dislike the Upper West Side…) Thumper wasn’t so into the crowded rooms and all the voices coming from so many directions and the adults he didn’t know pulling funny faces for him, so we didn’t stay all that long, maybe an hour and a half with much of that time spent nursing and cuddling in the bedroom. While we were there and circulating, though, I got to witness firsthand a phenomenon I’d only half-believed before.
Before she retired, my MIL was a producer in the news dept. of a major tv network. Won an Emmy, the whole deal. So at this party there were some rather high-powered people. Former editor-in-chief of the Times, Times columnists, people from her old network, people who look familiar and you need to stop and think if you’d met them before or just seen them on tv… Reasonable to expect some interesting conversation from the evening. And I’m sure there was plenty of interesting conversation. I just wasn’t a part of it.
It happened each time Thumper and I were introduced. I was a mother holding a baby, and apparently that visual cue provided everything anyone needed to know about me, about who I am and what I might do or have to say. “Yes, he sleeps through the night. He’s very good-natured, yes. Oh, we adore him. Yes, thank you. Six months old. No, he’s not really a fan of scary monster sounds just yet, thanks.”
No questions about what I do, who I am, what I might think about this or that. On one level, it was a relief to be excused from the usual chitchat one has with strangers at a party. On the other hand, I was quite aware that I was excused from that chitchat because I was holding a baby and thus wasn’t expected to be anything but the mother of the adorable child. Not expected to have anything to say that’s more interesting than a report of the child’s sleeping habits.
I can’t say it even bothered me that much. I’m quite shy in groups of strangers and I didn’t go out of my way to solicit the kinds of conversations that used to be offered automatically after exchanging names. But it was interesting. I mean, I do stuff. I think things. You know? So either no one was ever interested and the baby is an excuse to do away with pretending to care about the chitchat, or I really do disappear behind that gorgeous little boy.
In other news, the Sunrise Circle Jacket is nearly done. It’s seamed. Now I just need to do the hems and give it another wash. I knew the yarn was nasty with coning oil, but I didn’t expect the water to turn quite so murky when I washed the pieces and a hank of yarn for seaming. One more wash once it’s all sewn up to fully bring out that Merino/cashmere goodness, and then I plan to wear the thing to death. I love it.
And in still yet other news, Thumper and I are both fighting off a cold. Germs suck.
Interesting observations on the cocktail party talking. I never experienced that when Hannah was a baby. Then again, I didn’t go to many chi-chi parties.
Posted by: Carole
A throat infection for me. Hope you two feel better soon.
Interesting invisible-mom phenomenon. Can’t say I’m surprised. In fact, I’m ashamed to say that I’ve likely been guilty of perpetuating it myself. I think part of it is the perception that a woman with a baby has nothing else in her life, but I do think most of us get sucked into baby cuteness, too, in a way that makes other things disappear momentarily.
So how’s work?
Posted by: alison
I’ve caught myself doing that – talking to mothers about their babies as if that were the only thing they know.
I try really hard not to do this, as it has a faint whiff of misogyny to it, you know? It makes me ashamed of myself. The little mother with not a thing in her head…despite the fact that motherhood is hard and the thoughts of an intelligent person about how best to do something difficult might be, you know, worthwhile and interesting in their own right, even if that were the only thing I were going to ask about.
It’s another part of the general cultural disdain for family that flourishes right underneath the protestations of family orientation.
Of course, Thumper is inherently interesting, so I may not be giving everyone enough credit here.
Posted by: Juno
Why do you hate the Upper West Side?
Call me naive, but I think it’s not just that women vanish into motherhood, but because even high powered sorts get frustrated with having to think of stuff to say at social gatherings. “Oh, look a baby” — it’s an instant topic of conversation and gets them off the hook from the usual drivel about jobs etc. that they’re tired of reciting as well.
Posted by: anmiryam
Interesting observations on the cocktail party talking. I never experienced that when Hannah was a baby. Then again, I didn’t go to many chi-chi parties.
Posted by: Carole
A throat infection for me. Hope you two feel better soon.
Interesting invisible-mom phenomenon. Can’t say I’m surprised. In fact, I’m ashamed to say that I’ve likely been guilty of perpetuating it myself. I think part of it is the perception that a woman with a baby has nothing else in her life, but I do think most of us get sucked into baby cuteness, too, in a way that makes other things disappear momentarily.
So how’s work?
Posted by: alison
I’ve caught myself doing that – talking to mothers about their babies as if that were the only thing they know.
I try really hard not to do this, as it has a faint whiff of misogyny to it, you know? It makes me ashamed of myself. The little mother with not a thing in her head…despite the fact that motherhood is hard and the thoughts of an intelligent person about how best to do something difficult might be, you know, worthwhile and interesting in their own right, even if that were the only thing I were going to ask about.
It’s another part of the general cultural disdain for family that flourishes right underneath the protestations of family orientation.
Of course, Thumper is inherently interesting, so I may not be giving everyone enough credit here.
Posted by: Juno
Why do you hate the Upper West Side?
Call me naive, but I think it’s not just that women vanish into motherhood, but because even high powered sorts get frustrated with having to think of stuff to say at social gatherings. “Oh, look a baby” — it’s an instant topic of conversation and gets them off the hook from the usual drivel about jobs etc. that they’re tired of reciting as well.
Posted by: anmiryam
What? You didn’t read that clause in your mother contract? You no longer matter as a person – you are merely a vessel that provides the small children. My parents barely hug me anymore when they come to visit. I just pass over the kiddos.
Posted by: Holly Jo
Overwhelming cuteness has a down side? Who knew.
😉
I tend to agree with the last commenter — most people hate cocktail party chatter and a cute baby provided most welcome relief. However, those folks missed out on knowing you. Their loss.
Posted by: claudia
I don’t think it has anything to do with the high-powered guests – I think it’s a way of taking the easy way out, conversationally speaking. A variation on regular small talk/chitchat.
My son is 8 months old now, and I work in a smallish, very casual office – we have firmwide breakfasts and lunches a couple of times a week, plus informal meetings all the time. And every time someone senses a lull in the conversation, the chitchat defaults to “How’s your little boy?”. It’s not my close co-workers or friends – people who know I have other interests – it’s always the casual aquaintances.
I also noticed the same phenomenon when I was planning my wedding a few years ago – THAT was the default topic.
Posted by: Dina
I am no fan of the UWS either. Your post reminded me of what it was like to go out to a party with a baby. I too would spend most of my time in a quiet room nursing my son to counteract the sensory overload from all the people. So no one asked about your Pushcart prize nomination? Looking forward to seeing some photos of Sunrise Circle.
Posted by: Kim P
What’s not to like about the Upper West Side? Happy Hols.
Posted by: margaret
I always think it’s really interesting that as part of being the mother behind the baby, it gives complete strangers the right to ask intimate questions about feeding and your birth. You suddenly don’t matter except for the baby, but we reserve the right to know more about your insides and personal stuff than really is appropriate for a gathering at a festive drinks session. You exist – but only in intimate detail.
But then we have been known to take children places just so we can escape the chit chat and leave early as well….
Posted by: Alison
What? You didn’t read that clause in your mother contract? You no longer matter as a person – you are merely a vessel that provides the small children. My parents barely hug me anymore when they come to visit. I just pass over the kiddos.
Posted by: Holly Jo
Overwhelming cuteness has a down side? Who knew.
😉
I tend to agree with the last commenter — most people hate cocktail party chatter and a cute baby provided most welcome relief. However, those folks missed out on knowing you. Their loss.
Posted by: claudia
I don’t think it has anything to do with the high-powered guests – I think it’s a way of taking the easy way out, conversationally speaking. A variation on regular small talk/chitchat.
My son is 8 months old now, and I work in a smallish, very casual office – we have firmwide breakfasts and lunches a couple of times a week, plus informal meetings all the time. And every time someone senses a lull in the conversation, the chitchat defaults to “How’s your little boy?”. It’s not my close co-workers or friends – people who know I have other interests – it’s always the casual aquaintances.
I also noticed the same phenomenon when I was planning my wedding a few years ago – THAT was the default topic.
Posted by: Dina
I am no fan of the UWS either. Your post reminded me of what it was like to go out to a party with a baby. I too would spend most of my time in a quiet room nursing my son to counteract the sensory overload from all the people. So no one asked about your Pushcart prize nomination? Looking forward to seeing some photos of Sunrise Circle.
Posted by: Kim P
What’s not to like about the Upper West Side? Happy Hols.
Posted by: margaret
I always think it’s really interesting that as part of being the mother behind the baby, it gives complete strangers the right to ask intimate questions about feeding and your birth. You suddenly don’t matter except for the baby, but we reserve the right to know more about your insides and personal stuff than really is appropriate for a gathering at a festive drinks session. You exist – but only in intimate detail.
But then we have been known to take children places just so we can escape the chit chat and leave early as well….
Posted by: Alison
I hear ya. I like it as an excuse not to have to do small talk.
Hold on in there with the colds. Squeeky had two, then she fought off the third all by herself. Thumper will do the same soon, and hopefully not keep passing on everything on to you for ever.
Posted by: valentina
At the same time, I know I’ve been a little frustrated when trying to engage a mother in conversation, with or without a baby present, and can’t get beyond what the child is up to. Present company completely excluded, of course.
And having said that, Thumper is looking particularly cute in that picture.
Posted by: Michelle
We noticed this recently too… My husband is the incredibly well-adjusted and hip professor when he takes our daughter to office hours with him. If I showed up at the office with her, there was a sense that I didn’t take my job seriously.
And most recently we had to tilt windmills with DH’s HR dept. Since *I* read all the fine print, *I* was the one to talk to…but that would never happen if I had a babe in arms. So, since this was an emergency meeting & I didn’t have any way to avoid taking her with us, he made sure HE was the one holding her during the meeting. We noticed that it made the HR women pause, changed the balance of power.
Posted by: sophiagrrl
Yes, but on the other hand, I detest the “what do you do” questions that are actually attempts to rank and classify your status and economic possiton. At least you got a pass to bypass that. And, you’d still be invisable in that senerio too actually – maybe more so.
Also, continuing to play devil’s advocate, if Diane Sawyer, or Christine Amenpour, showed up at a party holding a baby as cute as yours, I’d like to think that I’d talk to her about her and not the baby, but it would honestly be really hard to focus on anything else, once confronted with the black hole magnetic power of baby cuteness to eclipse everything else.
But, to echo the comments of a previous commenter, they missed out on getting to know you – which is, of course, unfortunate for them.
Posted by: Suzanne
Yes, but on the other hand, I detest the “what do you do” questions that are actually attempts to rank and classify your status and economic possiton. At least you got a pass to bypass that. And, you’d still be invisable in that senerio too actually – maybe more so.
Also, continuing to play devil’s advocate, if Diane Sawyer, or Christine Amenpour, showed up at a party holding a baby as cute as yours, I’d like to think that I’d talk to her about her and not the baby, but it would honestly be really hard to focus on anything else, once confronted with the black hole magnetic power of baby cuteness to eclipse everything else.
But, to echo the comments of a previous commenter, they missed out on getting to know you – which is, of course, unfortunate for them.
Posted by: Suzanne
I definitely think it was because the little man is just so darn cute that it boggles the mind and people couldn’t get past that to engage you in intelligent meaningful conversations.
I’ve experienced the same thing at times in my life with my sons, although it was sometimes a relief to not have to go through the motions with strangers, at the same time, it was also kind of bullshit…you know? Like all you are is a mother and that means nothing to them (even if they are, in fact, also mothers and should know better). Like you are some vapid milk producer who couldn’t possibly have an intelligent thought on anything of consequence!
Good thing we are educated enough to know better and not need their stinking validation.
Enjoy Thumper’s first Holiday. He’ll love the wrapping paper!
Posted by: Jaimi
I hear ya. I like it as an excuse not to have to do small talk.
Hold on in there with the colds. Squeeky had two, then she fought off the third all by herself. Thumper will do the same soon, and hopefully not keep passing on everything on to you for ever.
Posted by: valentina
At the same time, I know I’ve been a little frustrated when trying to engage a mother in conversation, with or without a baby present, and can’t get beyond what the child is up to. Present company completely excluded, of course.
And having said that, Thumper is looking particularly cute in that picture.
Posted by: Michelle
We noticed this recently too… My husband is the incredibly well-adjusted and hip professor when he takes our daughter to office hours with him. If I showed up at the office with her, there was a sense that I didn’t take my job seriously.
And most recently we had to tilt windmills with DH’s HR dept. Since *I* read all the fine print, *I* was the one to talk to…but that would never happen if I had a babe in arms. So, since this was an emergency meeting & I didn’t have any way to avoid taking her with us, he made sure HE was the one holding her during the meeting. We noticed that it made the HR women pause, changed the balance of power.
Posted by: sophiagrrl
Yes, but on the other hand, I detest the “what do you do” questions that are actually attempts to rank and classify your status and economic possiton. At least you got a pass to bypass that. And, you’d still be invisable in that senerio too actually – maybe more so.
Also, continuing to play devil’s advocate, if Diane Sawyer, or Christine Amenpour, showed up at a party holding a baby as cute as yours, I’d like to think that I’d talk to her about her and not the baby, but it would honestly be really hard to focus on anything else, once confronted with the black hole magnetic power of baby cuteness to eclipse everything else.
But, to echo the comments of a previous commenter, they missed out on getting to know you – which is, of course, unfortunate for them.
Posted by: Suzanne
Yes, but on the other hand, I detest the “what do you do” questions that are actually attempts to rank and classify your status and economic possiton. At least you got a pass to bypass that. And, you’d still be invisable in that senerio too actually – maybe more so.
Also, continuing to play devil’s advocate, if Diane Sawyer, or Christine Amenpour, showed up at a party holding a baby as cute as yours, I’d like to think that I’d talk to her about her and not the baby, but it would honestly be really hard to focus on anything else, once confronted with the black hole magnetic power of baby cuteness to eclipse everything else.
But, to echo the comments of a previous commenter, they missed out on getting to know you – which is, of course, unfortunate for them.
Posted by: Suzanne
I definitely think it was because the little man is just so darn cute that it boggles the mind and people couldn’t get past that to engage you in intelligent meaningful conversations.
I’ve experienced the same thing at times in my life with my sons, although it was sometimes a relief to not have to go through the motions with strangers, at the same time, it was also kind of bullshit…you know? Like all you are is a mother and that means nothing to them (even if they are, in fact, also mothers and should know better). Like you are some vapid milk producer who couldn’t possibly have an intelligent thought on anything of consequence!
Good thing we are educated enough to know better and not need their stinking validation.
Enjoy Thumper’s first Holiday. He’ll love the wrapping paper!
Posted by: Jaimi
I just wandered over for a copy of your Baby Yoda sweater courtesy of Sknitty (http://sknitty.typepad.com/). It looks like just the sort of simple baby sweater I’ve been wanting to knit. Thank you for sharing the pattern!
Posted by: CatBookMom
Does anyone like that superficial cocktail party chatter? I’d use a stranger’s baby as an excuse to avoid thinking of something clever to say. I mean, if you showed up to a party with a copy of your manuscript draped around your neck, people would probably ask you about that. Just about anyone would look for the easy way out instead of poking around for something to talk about.
On the other hand, I resent it when I get together with friends or family, and they ask my husband how work is going and don’t ask me, even though I do freelance, and they know that I do. So there’s a lot of truth to what you say. People do forget that there’s more to your life than your baby, and that it’s nice to have that acknowledged — even other mothers forget.
It’s probably possible to answer questions about things like your baby’s sleep habits in a way that reminds them that you’re also a real live person apart from your child — something like “yeah, he’s sleeping okay, but I still find it hard to get enough time to wrap my head around editing my novel.”
So I understand taking the easy way out at a party, but I also understand being not bothered and yet kind of bothered when you think about it.
Posted by: Frith
my number one most hated question:
“Do you work outside the home?”
Actually, I do, dipshit. And I work like hell IN “the home”, too.
Posted by: liz
Joe and I were at a party the other night where people thought they knew everything they needed to know about us because of what we were wearing and Joe’s lack of any discernable haircut.
I’m not sure I minded either.
Posted by: stephanie
Funny – I enjoyed that part (hiding behind the baby). And I don’t think they’re underestimating you or your conversational ability, I think they’re so stunned by his luminous cuteness that all they can do is talk about him.
Posted by: Cassie
Hi! I don’t mean to be contrary or demean your feelings of being invisible but you know what–whevever I see a Mom or Dad with a baby, I can’t think of anything more important that a human being could be doing than nurturing and raising another human being and I am awed to hear about their job doing that. Although the other things that they do in their life are probably interesting I can’t get past the fact that they have chosen such a wonderful path.
Any jerk who assumes that you are brainless or have no life because you have a child is not only a moron but he or she should probably not be allowed out in public.
Congratulations on a job well done and, frankly, if I ever meet you at a cocktail party, I want to hear all about it!
Posted by: Karen
I just wandered over for a copy of your Baby Yoda sweater courtesy of Sknitty (http://sknitty.typepad.com/). It looks like just the sort of simple baby sweater I’ve been wanting to knit. Thank you for sharing the pattern!
Posted by: CatBookMom
Does anyone like that superficial cocktail party chatter? I’d use a stranger’s baby as an excuse to avoid thinking of something clever to say. I mean, if you showed up to a party with a copy of your manuscript draped around your neck, people would probably ask you about that. Just about anyone would look for the easy way out instead of poking around for something to talk about.
On the other hand, I resent it when I get together with friends or family, and they ask my husband how work is going and don’t ask me, even though I do freelance, and they know that I do. So there’s a lot of truth to what you say. People do forget that there’s more to your life than your baby, and that it’s nice to have that acknowledged — even other mothers forget.
It’s probably possible to answer questions about things like your baby’s sleep habits in a way that reminds them that you’re also a real live person apart from your child — something like “yeah, he’s sleeping okay, but I still find it hard to get enough time to wrap my head around editing my novel.”
So I understand taking the easy way out at a party, but I also understand being not bothered and yet kind of bothered when you think about it.
Posted by: Frith
my number one most hated question:
“Do you work outside the home?”
Actually, I do, dipshit. And I work like hell IN “the home”, too.
Posted by: liz
Joe and I were at a party the other night where people thought they knew everything they needed to know about us because of what we were wearing and Joe’s lack of any discernable haircut.
I’m not sure I minded either.
Posted by: stephanie
Funny – I enjoyed that part (hiding behind the baby). And I don’t think they’re underestimating you or your conversational ability, I think they’re so stunned by his luminous cuteness that all they can do is talk about him.
Posted by: Cassie
Hi! I don’t mean to be contrary or demean your feelings of being invisible but you know what–whevever I see a Mom or Dad with a baby, I can’t think of anything more important that a human being could be doing than nurturing and raising another human being and I am awed to hear about their job doing that. Although the other things that they do in their life are probably interesting I can’t get past the fact that they have chosen such a wonderful path.
Any jerk who assumes that you are brainless or have no life because you have a child is not only a moron but he or she should probably not be allowed out in public.
Congratulations on a job well done and, frankly, if I ever meet you at a cocktail party, I want to hear all about it!
Posted by: Karen
My baby is 30 and I am still ‘Sarah’s Mom’, and now I am ‘Turner’s Grama’ too.
I’ve always felt that child-rearing and teaching are the two most important tasks for society.
But (and) it is nice to be noticed and spoken to sincerely. Keep being an ineresting person and a good mom!
Sarah’s Mom
Posted by: pattie
i’m with cassie! i hate parties, as a general rule. the only parties i enjoy are small gatherings of people i know (like the couple i’ve attended at your home, which were lovely and manageable and featured NO small talk whatsoever).
Since my kids were babies, i’ve been “noah and hannah’s mom” and for the most part, no longer need to possess a name of my own (at least around our neighborhood). I have to say that i don’t really mind. One thing i do mind is that once they started going to play-group and then school is that we now catch every cold that whips through our community. I never used to get sick, but these kid germs are industrial strength.
hope you both feel better soon!
Posted by: regina
Interesting observation…I will have to watch to see if it happens to me, too…
Posted by: Anne-Caroline
Hah! I was at a party last night that was so crowded! We were elbow-to-elbow with the neighborhood cognocenti, but I new hardly anyone. And, now that my kids are grown, no invisibility for me! Fortunately, there was a lot of holiday singing, which I do gleefully and very loudly. And later, carolers came in off the street to entertain us. But the best part of the party was after almost everyone went home and we could talk intimately with a very few people about a lot of interesting things… We were the last to leave.
Posted by: Celia
My baby is 30 and I am still ‘Sarah’s Mom’, and now I am ‘Turner’s Grama’ too.
I’ve always felt that child-rearing and teaching are the two most important tasks for society.
But (and) it is nice to be noticed and spoken to sincerely. Keep being an ineresting person and a good mom!
Sarah’s Mom
Posted by: pattie
i’m with cassie! i hate parties, as a general rule. the only parties i enjoy are small gatherings of people i know (like the couple i’ve attended at your home, which were lovely and manageable and featured NO small talk whatsoever).
Since my kids were babies, i’ve been “noah and hannah’s mom” and for the most part, no longer need to possess a name of my own (at least around our neighborhood). I have to say that i don’t really mind. One thing i do mind is that once they started going to play-group and then school is that we now catch every cold that whips through our community. I never used to get sick, but these kid germs are industrial strength.
hope you both feel better soon!
Posted by: regina
Interesting observation…I will have to watch to see if it happens to me, too…
Posted by: Anne-Caroline
Hah! I was at a party last night that was so crowded! We were elbow-to-elbow with the neighborhood cognocenti, but I new hardly anyone. And, now that my kids are grown, no invisibility for me! Fortunately, there was a lot of holiday singing, which I do gleefully and very loudly. And later, carolers came in off the street to entertain us. But the best part of the party was after almost everyone went home and we could talk intimately with a very few people about a lot of interesting things… We were the last to leave.
Posted by: Celia
Ah, yes, invisible mom syndrome…I noticed it the most when my three kids were all 3 and under, and I’d be struggling to manage a toddler and a double stroller at the mall. Amazing how people can walk right over you if you have little ones with you, like it doesn’t matter if they’re rude to children. Now it’s a little better, because my kids are old enough to be interested themselves in what I do and share that with their friends. But yes, it is hard to resist babies and their intrinsic cuteness!!
Posted by: Steph Bolinger
Even when kids are older there is invisible mom syndrome sometimes. I find it worst at my husband’s work events.
It’s hard to get past the invisibility cloak and even worse, once your children are a little older and you start to emerge, sometimes you wish for it back!
Posted by: Ash
Yes, it is odd to go from competent professional woman to invisible, voiceless mom. “Hey,” one thinks, “I’m still the same person inside here that I was several months ago.” (Although current research suggests that there is a temporary dulling of the maternal intellect for 6 months or so.) It’s even odder that our society so obviously devalues us as mothers (unless you’re a celebrity mom) while at the same time claiming that parenting is the most important job there is. On a related note, I was always amused when people stopped my husband on the street when he was out and about with our then little daughters to say “It’s so wonderful of you to take the children out while your wife is working.” Why did they never tell me I was wonderful to take the girls out every day while my husband was working? It might sound like I was a little resentful at the time but, actually, I was thrilled with motherhood but felt that our society could stand to have some light shined on its unconscious attitudes. And what’s oddest of all? That this disconnect has been going on probably since the dawn of humankind, and each of us mothers has to encounter it anew for ourselves. Thank god for blogland – you are not alone!
Posted by: Mary K. in Rockport
I love babies because I can act like a complete and utter moron in front of them. I think that _may_ be my natural state, and the rest of my life is spent faking adulthood. Yes, you might disappear in my eyes when you’re holding someone who shares my love of shiny objects and pure joy at funny faces. Maybe after I get it out of my system, we could chat about how the editing process is going.
Posted by: Susan (Hyperactive Hands)
Having had no children of my own, I guess my observation is that was wonderful of you to take him out with you and NOT hire a babysitter – a great experience for him AND since he WAS there wasn’t that really the whole point of the outing. Had you not brought him, there would have been people there who had no clue you had a baby and the conversation would certainly have been different, BUT since he was there it’s hard to ignore him AND PLUS what a great opportunity to expose him to all sorts of people, voice, smells, sort of like you’re mentoring him to people early on – he’s unlike to be a shy little guy when he has lots of great experiences out in the world!!
Posted by: robin
Funny, I had a similar experience last weekend. Must be the holiday party season. It’s certainly different when you’re carrying around a cute little kiddo! I don’t know what to make of it. It’s both freeing and demeaning at the same time.
Posted by: Elinor
Ah, yes, invisible mom syndrome…I noticed it the most when my three kids were all 3 and under, and I’d be struggling to manage a toddler and a double stroller at the mall. Amazing how people can walk right over you if you have little ones with you, like it doesn’t matter if they’re rude to children. Now it’s a little better, because my kids are old enough to be interested themselves in what I do and share that with their friends. But yes, it is hard to resist babies and their intrinsic cuteness!!
Posted by: Steph Bolinger
Even when kids are older there is invisible mom syndrome sometimes. I find it worst at my husband’s work events.
It’s hard to get past the invisibility cloak and even worse, once your children are a little older and you start to emerge, sometimes you wish for it back!
Posted by: Ash
Yes, it is odd to go from competent professional woman to invisible, voiceless mom. “Hey,” one thinks, “I’m still the same person inside here that I was several months ago.” (Although current research suggests that there is a temporary dulling of the maternal intellect for 6 months or so.) It’s even odder that our society so obviously devalues us as mothers (unless you’re a celebrity mom) while at the same time claiming that parenting is the most important job there is. On a related note, I was always amused when people stopped my husband on the street when he was out and about with our then little daughters to say “It’s so wonderful of you to take the children out while your wife is working.” Why did they never tell me I was wonderful to take the girls out every day while my husband was working? It might sound like I was a little resentful at the time but, actually, I was thrilled with motherhood but felt that our society could stand to have some light shined on its unconscious attitudes. And what’s oddest of all? That this disconnect has been going on probably since the dawn of humankind, and each of us mothers has to encounter it anew for ourselves. Thank god for blogland – you are not alone!
Posted by: Mary K. in Rockport
I love babies because I can act like a complete and utter moron in front of them. I think that _may_ be my natural state, and the rest of my life is spent faking adulthood. Yes, you might disappear in my eyes when you’re holding someone who shares my love of shiny objects and pure joy at funny faces. Maybe after I get it out of my system, we could chat about how the editing process is going.
Posted by: Susan (Hyperactive Hands)
Having had no children of my own, I guess my observation is that was wonderful of you to take him out with you and NOT hire a babysitter – a great experience for him AND since he WAS there wasn’t that really the whole point of the outing. Had you not brought him, there would have been people there who had no clue you had a baby and the conversation would certainly have been different, BUT since he was there it’s hard to ignore him AND PLUS what a great opportunity to expose him to all sorts of people, voice, smells, sort of like you’re mentoring him to people early on – he’s unlike to be a shy little guy when he has lots of great experiences out in the world!!
Posted by: robin
Funny, I had a similar experience last weekend. Must be the holiday party season. It’s certainly different when you’re carrying around a cute little kiddo! I don’t know what to make of it. It’s both freeing and demeaning at the same time.
Posted by: Elinor
I remember those times really well. I wanted to talk of something other than babies (since that felt like ALL I was doing) and whether it was the cute spell or just other peoples’ perceptions that I was just a mom, THEY could not see past me as mother.
Of course they also couldn’t see past my enormous lactating tits either. The combination drove me insane. I really don’t think men with babies get all those questions, do it isn’t just the cute thing…
My way around idle cocktail party chatter is to do the formalities and then dig deeper and talk about those things you’re not supposed to talk about: religion, sex and politics. People either engage and we have a good conversation or they leave and I don’t have to talk with them.
Hope your colds are short.
Posted by: Steph
hey. i think all moms know that feeling. on the other hand, now i use my little girl as an excuse to get out of a conversation at a cocktail party….”really? how interesting….will you please excuse me? I need to make sure Olivia isn’t about to knock over the candles. thanks!”
Posted by: rebecca
Hmmm. Both this story and all the comments in response to it are interesting, and I tend to think all of the possible explanations presented here have some truth in them.
I don’t like it, though, that many people don’t see the human behind the mom. I think that men are a little more likely than women to do that to moms (because many of them don’t see women as full humans in the first place) – though I know women do it too.
And I also don’t like it that many moms I know no longer want to talk to me (a non-mom) about anything but what is going on with their kids. It’s not that I am completely uninterested, but really, I mostly want to hear about them, not their kids. No matter how cute the kids may be, I am still a lot more interested in Pushcart Prizes, and nuclear physics, and 3-D computer animation.
Posted by: Lizbon
Very interesting! My sister seems to love the attention the Booger brings to her but after reading this maybe she loves that he distracts people from paying attention to her…
Hey, Happy, Merry Christmas to you and yours and THE cutest baby ever!
Posted by: Ande
Hm. Hm. Hm. Being in a similar place yet without living in NYC. Without a mom who throws parties that are attended by *Names*. And without an education and career that makes me noteworthy… I’ve felt that way. Now that I hear you say it (so to speak), I wonder if it’s just that we are being slightly defensive because we feel somewhat cut off from what we were/have been/could be without a child on our hip. I agree with the other commenters. I know that when I see a baby it automatically creates a relationship with the person holding that baby. We have something in common that I do not have in common with a person who isn’t holding a baby (whether I have one on my hip at the moment or not). And I’ve found myself doing the same thing at family gatherings (preferring to be elsewhere away from the hubbub).
Posted by: Laura
Been there, done that – times 3. I kind of like the fact that the baby’s cuteness distracts people from the fat, acne-ridden blob pregnancy turned me into, though. It is annoying that housewifeness means you’ve got nothing intelligent to say.
Posted by: Krista
I remember those times really well. I wanted to talk of something other than babies (since that felt like ALL I was doing) and whether it was the cute spell or just other peoples’ perceptions that I was just a mom, THEY could not see past me as mother.
Of course they also couldn’t see past my enormous lactating tits either. The combination drove me insane. I really don’t think men with babies get all those questions, do it isn’t just the cute thing…
My way around idle cocktail party chatter is to do the formalities and then dig deeper and talk about those things you’re not supposed to talk about: religion, sex and politics. People either engage and we have a good conversation or they leave and I don’t have to talk with them.
Hope your colds are short.
Posted by: Steph
hey. i think all moms know that feeling. on the other hand, now i use my little girl as an excuse to get out of a conversation at a cocktail party….”really? how interesting….will you please excuse me? I need to make sure Olivia isn’t about to knock over the candles. thanks!”
Posted by: rebecca
Hmmm. Both this story and all the comments in response to it are interesting, and I tend to think all of the possible explanations presented here have some truth in them.
I don’t like it, though, that many people don’t see the human behind the mom. I think that men are a little more likely than women to do that to moms (because many of them don’t see women as full humans in the first place) – though I know women do it too.
And I also don’t like it that many moms I know no longer want to talk to me (a non-mom) about anything but what is going on with their kids. It’s not that I am completely uninterested, but really, I mostly want to hear about them, not their kids. No matter how cute the kids may be, I am still a lot more interested in Pushcart Prizes, and nuclear physics, and 3-D computer animation.
Posted by: Lizbon
Very interesting! My sister seems to love the attention the Booger brings to her but after reading this maybe she loves that he distracts people from paying attention to her…
Hey, Happy, Merry Christmas to you and yours and THE cutest baby ever!
Posted by: Ande
Hm. Hm. Hm. Being in a similar place yet without living in NYC. Without a mom who throws parties that are attended by *Names*. And without an education and career that makes me noteworthy… I’ve felt that way. Now that I hear you say it (so to speak), I wonder if it’s just that we are being slightly defensive because we feel somewhat cut off from what we were/have been/could be without a child on our hip. I agree with the other commenters. I know that when I see a baby it automatically creates a relationship with the person holding that baby. We have something in common that I do not have in common with a person who isn’t holding a baby (whether I have one on my hip at the moment or not). And I’ve found myself doing the same thing at family gatherings (preferring to be elsewhere away from the hubbub).
Posted by: Laura
Been there, done that – times 3. I kind of like the fact that the baby’s cuteness distracts people from the fat, acne-ridden blob pregnancy turned me into, though. It is annoying that housewifeness means you’ve got nothing intelligent to say.
Posted by: Krista
I’ve been through this many times before. That is one of the reasons subliminally why I knit. Even if it is a project for someone else – and 75% of the time it is, it give me a chance to accomplish something that has nothing to do with the children I’ve helped create, and their accomplishments. And while no one is asking me at the many cocktail parties I recently attended (for dh) how my knitting is going, I feel an inner sense of accomplishment. The people I meet may be able to run large production companies and create hit tv shows, but can they knit a heel gusset or do a Kitchner stitch? Hah!
Posted by: Donna
If you’re holding a baby at a party, obviously people are going to react to that. What you think is a put down from the patriarchial society, may actually just be people trying to start a conversation with you by including the baby – an obvious focal point. When they ask you things like if he sleeps through the night – they’re trying to bond with you through the parenting experience. You’re expecting too much from a population that you already labeled as “strangers”(a divisive term). Using your own terminology, from their perspective, you’re also “a stranger” – that they don’t delve more deeply about you is out of politeness – many women in this society have the luxury of doing nothing but raising babies – so that if you fell into that category and they asked you what kind of work you do, that might be awkward.
Posted by: lisa
I’ve been through this many times before. That is one of the reasons subliminally why I knit. Even if it is a project for someone else – and 75% of the time it is, it give me a chance to accomplish something that has nothing to do with the children I’ve helped create, and their accomplishments. And while no one is asking me at the many cocktail parties I recently attended (for dh) how my knitting is going, I feel an inner sense of accomplishment. The people I meet may be able to run large production companies and create hit tv shows, but can they knit a heel gusset or do a Kitchner stitch? Hah!
Posted by: Donna
If you’re holding a baby at a party, obviously people are going to react to that. What you think is a put down from the patriarchial society, may actually just be people trying to start a conversation with you by including the baby – an obvious focal point. When they ask you things like if he sleeps through the night – they’re trying to bond with you through the parenting experience. You’re expecting too much from a population that you already labeled as “strangers”(a divisive term). Using your own terminology, from their perspective, you’re also “a stranger” – that they don’t delve more deeply about you is out of politeness – many women in this society have the luxury of doing nothing but raising babies – so that if you fell into that category and they asked you what kind of work you do, that might be awkward.
Posted by: lisa