From November 1988 to August 2010, I was a vegetarian. From June 1995 to somewhere in 2000—I can’t recall exactly—I was vegan. For two of those vegan years, I also avoided wheat and sugar. Sounds pretty healthy, right? Not so much. As a vegan I was skinny and tired. I bruised easily and caught any cold or flu that passed my way. I got weird skin rashes. A growing obsession with yogurt led to the end of the vegan years and my health got better.
I took this as proof that a lacto-ovo vegetarian diet was exactly right for me. I was pretty smug about it—was sure that my choices made me more or less cancer- and heart-attack-proof. Behold the Incredible Immortal Vegetarian! Oh, the blinding glow of her good health! Oh the stupefying wonder of her righteousness!
(Yeah. Aren’t smug vegetarians awesome? Having now been on the receiving end of vegetarian sanctimony as a newly minted omnivore, I’d like to take a moment to apologize for all the obnoxious things I said over the years about eating meat, and the even more obnoxious things I thought but didn’t dare say.)
This past summer I read some books and started rethinking my diet. It occurred to me for the first time that removing myself from my place in the food chain might not actually be the healthiest choice—that perhaps my body actually NEEDS meat to truly thrive. That was…confusing. It was threatening. It took several months before I was ready to admit I might want to change. I gave it a try, started to eat meat, and started to feel much, much better. I hadn’t known I was feeling poorly, but apparently I was. After feeling the way my body felt after eating animal flesh, I realized I’d been exhausted for years. Not to mention the constant, desperate hunger. The feeling of never, ever being sated, of never getting enough fat, enough energy… The random, free-floating anxiety. I’d been starving myself for twenty-two years.
Okay. My body needs meat. Now what?
Now I’m even more confused. And the anxiety? It’s creeping back in.
My anxiety, once I stop to examine and defang it, always boils down to the fact that I’m afraid of dying. Specifically, I’m afraid of dying without having seen it coming. (Why? Because my father had his fatal heart attack at work at the age of fifty. He went to work and never came home again. Knowing the root of the anxiety doesn’t always diffuse it.) So what do you do if you’re afraid of being blindsided by death? You try to control as much as you can, keeping tabs on everything that could possibly kill you.
I found safety in being a vegetarian. Vegetarianism was my religion. The basic truth of that religion, as I’d understood it, was that avoiding animal protein would fend off death. I would not die of a heart attack like my father. I wouldn’t do that to my kids or my spouse. I wouldn’t die of cancer or a stroke.
But then I read some books and I stopped believing that. And those books claimed that eating grass-fed beef and pastured pork and chicken and whole-fat pastured dairy products would protect me from heart attacks and cancer and stroke, and that a vegetarian diet would slowly grind me down to nothing. And that sounded true, so I decided to believe that.
Now my cholesterol levels came back high and that might be from the meat or it might be from dairy or it might just be because I’m lactating. But then I read that cholesterol numbers don’t mean anything. Except maybe they do?
And I’ve gone and lost my religion and so now what do I believe? What’s going to keep me safe? What’s going to keep my family safe? My kids?
I’ve been caught up in all this since the cholesterol numbers came in… I read Clean and that made sense too, and so there’s more information thrown onto the pile. I’m paralyzed by information.
Processed foods are bad. Well, yes, of course. Eat whole foods. Except dairy fat is bad for you. No, it’s not. Organic. Grass-fed. Eat meat. Red meat is acidifying. Acid will kill you. Cholesterol is bad. It will kill you. No…wait—it won’t. Dietary cholesterol is the devil. Dietary cholesterol has nothing to do with blood cholesterol. You need animal protein to survive. Vegans are pathologically unhealthy. A vegan diet is the only thing that will save you and the planet. Fluoride is what separates an American smile from a British smile. Fluoride is a known toxin. Endocrine disrupters are in EVERYTHING. Prescription drugs are pissed into our water supply. Our cotton clothes are full of pesticides which WILL KILL YOU.
At what point does it stop being information gathered so you can make informed choices for your family and start being just more noise in the cacophony of the Culture of Fear?
I’m losing it…panicked, afraid that my choices will kill my family.
How do you survive in this world with all this goddamned INFORMATION?
So I tell myself to just do what I can with whatever feels right. To go with my gut. I know my body feels better when I eat meat. I know Kiddo eats more and grows better (yes, documented) when meat is offered. So we eat our grass-fed beef (once a week). We eat our pastured pork and chicken. We have at least three vegetarian dinners each week, primarily legumes. We don’t eat processed foods. That makes sense to me. I make sure the bulk of our diet is comprised of vegetables: 3/4 of the plate at lunch and dinner. Organic, of course, and as much as possible grown by us. We’re trying to eliminate refined flours and sugars. (This one is hard. Billy and I are both baked-goods addicts.) We’ve been avoiding plastics as much as possible for years.
But Kiddo was prescribed fluoride tablets because it isn’t in the water here, and I’ve been putting off researching fluoride because do I really want to jump down THAT rabbit hole too? And we can’t afford to replace all our conventional cotton clothes and sheets and towels with organic cotton, nor can we really afford to install a hardcore water filtration system. And do we want to? The line has to be drawn somewhere. Where the hell do I draw the line?!
And you know what? We’re still going to die. Each and every one of us. Even my kids. And there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it.
What do you do? How do you decide how much information is useful and how much is too much? At what point is the information itself a toxin?
I’ve read your site for years and never commented, which is weird since we have kids almost the same age (sorry. I blame shyness!) this topic interests me a lot since I’ve also been vegetarian and have some issues with meat. My great-aunt, much beloved, was a biologist and lived to be 90, and her philosophy with food was “everything in moderation” which I think is a good one. I know, perhaps trite and overdone, but there’s some wisdom in it. And as someone who has health anxiety, I think that goes for information too. I am drawn to health stories and I now often just pass them by. The fact is that scientists don’t know everything … But since humans survived a long time on plants and free-range meats, that seems good enough for me.
For me, there are moral reasons to avoid eating animals that are killed for their flesh and to wear their skins, but I don’t think there are nutritional reasons not to. Since I am essentially weak person, I do not make the moral choice, and instead default to convenience and personal tastes. But I do feel guilty about it. There is no god, we all die, we can at least try to live our lives rationally, a bit romantically, and leave behind something useful or entertaining. But I will always feel guilty that living, sentient beings are slaughtered to fulfill my own whimsical desires.
I think the answer is to endeavour never to become too zealous, to eat what (truly) makes you feel good, both physically and ethically, and to work to overcome the fear of death – we all die, our time is limited, we need to find a way to have a happy life without constantly worrying about the end of it. Having kids has made me far more conscious of my own mortality, but when it comes down to it I think we just have to do our best without being too anxious about it (anxiety itself being a contributor to ill-health). Moderation in all things…
When you feel like there are too many choices, and you can’t make a decision, the information has become a problem. No choice is perfect, don’t let perfect become the enemy of the good. As for death, if I spent time thinking about it, it would paralyze me with fear, so I try not to think. My 4-year-old likes to ask me when we’ll die. Will it be in the next 4 months? Will some other people die in that time? I tell him it’ll be when we are old and try to believe that I have the answers.
My somewhat cynical POV is that everything will eventually kill us and we are all going to die. I believe we should live in a way that allows our time here on earth to be well-lived. We should strive to be somewhat happy and allow our lives to be somewhat free while not f-ing up the world too much. I’ve read both of Michael Pollan’s books and the line “Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants.” sums up my eating philosophy pretty well. I eat locally when I can get it and organic only when practical. I exercise moderately and wear sunscreen. I walk or ride my bike for transportation in the warmer months (I live in Illinois). It’s a nice balance that woks for me and my husband. I believe we are healthy and, most importantly, we feel good.
Too much information causes more anxiety and stress. It’s ultimately up to an individual to decide what they are going to do with the information available. My two cents, for what it’s worth;)
really, the only thing that comforts me is that when I die, I’ll still go on much as the same as I went on before I was born. I’ll still be atoms and molecules, but they’ll be doing something else for a while and then they’ll go do something else.
My mom died of cancer when I was a kid. I’m still sort of going through the OMG EVERYTHING WILL KILL ME I MUST STOP IT!!!!! It got a little bit better right after my son was born, and then it got much, much worse. Getting out of the house and ignoring it helps with the anxiety, because what’s the point of a long life riddled with anxiety? I’d rather have a short one with friends and nice weather.
Whenever I get worked up about these issues I remind myself that I was bottle fed (plastic) after 3m, didn’t have access to organic veggies and a lot of other fresh foods (grew up on an island in Alaska). I’m pretty healthy. Yeah, ignorance is bliss.
IMHO, this is the dark underbelly of our super-connected world, where “information” – good, bad and indifferent – is at our fingertips, 24/7.
Is it good that I can jump into Dr. Google’s couch and look up whatever-all medication I was just handed? Absolutely!
…is it good that I also end up reading 52,000 pages about how it causes CANCER, IT’S TRUE!, and how this one person got migraines that never, EVER went away, even after she stopped taking it, or that somebody else ended up with IBS and what you need to do is, go make yourself a hat out of tin foil and…?
Eh, not so much…you end up scared stiff. Of everything. And if we’re on some whacked-out quest to be “right,” wellllllll…EVERYTHING is going to be “wrong” to somebody, ya know? And with our ultra-connected world, you are SURE to get their opinion on whatever-all it was you were thinking of doing.
I stop with the researching at the point where I find myself losing touch with how *I* feel about things; when I start feeling as though I have (or am about to grasp, which is another symptom – the constant feeling that The Absolute Truth is juuuuust beyond the tips of my flailing fingers) some kind of Truth that all these POOR FOOLS around me are simply not SEEING.
…poor…misguided…happy…healthy…little…fools…
…wait…
Sorry to be so boring but actually, plenty of British people have perfectly lovely smiles. My teeth are straight and all in place courtesy of free-at-the-point-of-use dentistry and orthodontristry. I wouldn’t normally be so picky but I have heard a variety of comments along the same lines recently yours was the unlucky last straw. The flouride debate is an interesting one, though, and hotly contested here- we have it added in some areas and not in others and whenever it is touted for a new area there tends to be a lot of opposition.
In general, I try for an everything in moderation approach. Feeding my own child is hard though. I worry about her diet far more than I worry about my own and I have found we do a lot more ‘proper’ cooking now, rather than just cobbling something together from whatever is in the cupboard.
Good luck! It’s enough to drive a person to cake and red wine…
My best friend and I were just having a conversation this morning about this very topic: oversaturation of information concerning what we eat. It came up because while I was at the grocery store after work yesterday, I had a mini-panic attack about nearly everything I put in the cart! My five year old adores raspberries and I wanted to to surprise him so I picked some up, only to find they were from Chili. I felt guilty, put them back. Checked every jar and box for high fructose corn syrup or whatever the hottest no-no of the week is. I live in Asheville, NC (the Portland of the Southeast) and we have plenty of information coming at us about what not to eat, tons of tailgate and farmer’s markets to choose from but it’s become a neurotic adventure every time I consider what to buy in the grocery or when I sit down at a restaurant. I’m beginning to get on my own damn nerves! :/
As a librarian, I just feel the need to remind you that anyone can say anything on the internet. I know you know that, but just remember to check where the information is coming from, and what the author’s purpose (or agenda) might be. And one person’s experience does not mean everyone will have the same experience.
When my father was dying and I was 12 years old, one day I felt sick and didn’t want to go to school. My father came into my bedroom and talked to me for a while about fear, and about all the things that you could be afraid of and try to protect yourself against, and how, regardless of how careful you were, the thing that ended up getting you in the end was something that you never expected. (He died of a brain tumor at 40.) He told me, in effect, that it was up to me to decide whether to live behind a wall or not, but that the wall wasn’t going to offer much safety anyway. It was a pretty profound life lesson for a 12-year-old. I got up and went to school, and remembered what he said all my life. To me his words have been a reminder to live life as fully as possible, knowing there are no guarantees and the only thing you can really control is how you choose to embrace what life offers.
That’s my personal 2 cents on the fear-of-death issue — not that it will necessarily offer much to anyone else.
“At what point is the information itself a toxin?”
What an excellent way to put it. In the end, all we can really do is listen to our own bodies, I think. But I have had the very thoughts that you write here. I don’t have the answers, either.
As with all things, moderation. Information is not the toxin. It’s what we do with it. It’s whether we decide to get riled up about every. new. study. It’s whether we can step back and see the whole for the parts. It’s evaluating information sources and deciding to whom we will listen. Like it or not, the flood of data is only becoming stronger – it’s important that we develop our own filters, else we risk drowning.
The way I see it, there are risks and there are RISKS. Not wearing a seatbelt while in a moving car: RISK. Using fluoride: risk. Licking the spoon with (non-organic, battery) raw egg: risk. Licking the ground at Chernobyl: RISK. Yes, there are ways to increase even the tiniest risks, but very few ways to elevate risk to RISK, you know?
This is the kind of thing the social psychologists research at my office, and it all boils down to: we need to weigh the realities of these decisions. If, for example, action A has a .000008% chance of giving us cancer, but not-A has a 5% chance of giving us tooth decay, gum disease, etc. then most people would go with not-A.
One mom to another: leave the guilt behind. Your kids will not resent you, stop talking to you, or drop dead from leukemia at 8 if you give them fluoride or feed them meat.
I think it can be really overwhelming to realize how much of your lifestyle (let alone basic survival) is dependant on things you have no control over. The world is a complex place, and so much of the information is either subjective or partially understood. Add to that the echo chamber effect in which the conventional wisdom and the latest fad both get amplified, and it can be really hard to find information you trust.
I think the line here is based on determining a reasonable path based on a balance of time&effort, money, and benefit, and then letting everything else more or less go. No need to get too anxious about food, etc, when most people live long, happy, healthy lives, right?
Re: the fluoride. I grew up taking fluoride tablets and I’m almost 60. So far, no ill effects! About all the other conflicting information you’re reading: keep in mind that articles you read in the newspaper about studies that show x, y,z are probably NOT written by someone with any science background. They are reporting what they THINK the study showed. And I’ve read reports of studies that they interpreted incorrectly, now disseminating incorrect information. These are usually corrected in letters to the editor, but by then the damage has been done. If you are interested in a study results, you need to read the actual study, look at the sample size (12 patients won’t tell you much, but 2000 probably will), look at the statistics, look at who did the study (a pharmaceutical company vs a major university, for example). Don’t believe everything you read in the papers or on the internet. You’ll be happier if you DON’T try to keep up with it all.
Just a quick note to say I agree with all who are saying moderation is key. And whatever choices you are making for your family are the RIGHT ones – I’ve read your blog for years and you are conscientious and thoughtful you are trying to do what is best. What best is, is your own choice.
I think a lot of us struggle with all the “health reporting” out there. The thing that makes me insane, personally, is the OMG YOU R GOING TO DIE SO SOON IF U R NOT A SIZE 4!!!!!! attitude.
I work out several hours (4-5) a week at a fairly strenuous exercise program. I make an effort to eat healthful foods. And I’m still a chunk. A muscular chunk, but still a chunk. I will never see size 8 without going through some kind of wasting disease.
And I spend have the time feeling horribly guilty and loathing my stupid body and thinking that I should probably just try to live on some damned 600 or 1000 calorie a day diet that would violate the Geneva Convention if it were being fed to a POW.
But then on the other side, the rest of the time, I’m all, “But having a BMI that makes me “overweight” isn’t handicapping me. I can lift and carry 50 pound bags of sand. I outrun my students – who are 20 years younger than I am – when we are out in the field. Aside from pollen allergies, I have no real health issues. My blood pressure is normal, my cholesterol is well within the healthy range…” And my grandma ate pie for breakfast and lived to be 92.
So I don’t know. I just wish I could get away from all the shaming talk that so much of the health-news-reporting has become: if you are not eating this particular thing, you are a bad person. If you do eat this other thing, you are a bad person. If you’re not getting the precise amount of prescribed sleep – no more, no less – you are going to get sick and are a bad person to boot.
AND I’M A FREAKING BIOLOGIST! And I fall for that crap.
And yes, after years on a semi-veg diet, I’ve gone back to eating more meat, too – I discover I need more protein and less carbohydrates now to feel healthy. (perimenopause, ugh.)
I ditto the Michael Pollan (In Defense of Food) if you are interested in reading more information. Very down-to-earth and common sense. For me, I try to remember it doesn’t have to be all or nothing and when you reach the point where you are stressing that you ate something non-organic or filled with high fructose corn syrup, you are negating any positive benefits to your body that you might have received by not eating it. All things in moderation, including moderation 🙂
Oh you dear dear girl. I have made myself an acolyte of the religion of the poison berry. You see, poison berries taste bad because they will kill you. But other things taste (or feel or smell or look) good because you should have them. Trust your body and your palate–what is good to you. I love a really perfect dry aged piece of prime rib. But three or four bites are enough for me. So I order it (or cook it), just eat what my body needs and save the rest for later. If vegetarian or vegan didn’t work for you, it may be because that’s not what your palate and your body needs. So, through trial and error, figure out what your poison berries are and figure out what (and how much of it) is good for you.
It’s stress that is a toxin, if you ask me.
Everybody in my family dies young, of heart attacks (or related things) – except when they (for reasons unknown to medical science) live into their 90s.
Life is unfathomable, and death maybe more so.
My big fear is that I’ll die before I’ve lived enough. So I’m concentrating on that. And avoiding butter.
You’re afraid to die so you eat dead animals??
Just a note on the flouride issue: we live in Tucson, which does not flouridate its water. My child, who ate almost no sugar, drank no juice, etc. and whose teeth were brushed every night, had, I think, 6 cavities before the age of three. My father (a pediatrician in California) was appalled that our pediatrician had never suggested supplements, knowing that it’s not in our water. If supplements will prevent the ordeal (e.g. sedation) of dental work on a small child, I’m all for it. YMM(of course)V.
p.s. Ladybug and I share a birthday!