What I meant to say was…

So, those birth photos I posted a while back… It wasn’t to shock you. And it wasn’t an urge to gratuitously share images of someone’s gloved hands inside my abdomen. Really. I thought the photos spoke for themselves. They did, quite clearly, for many of you–particularly those of you who have also had c-sections. But some folks didn’t get it, were disturbed or offended. I’m fine with that, actually, if you were, but it’s been nagging at me since then, the idea that my motivation in posting them wasn’t clear.

Here’s the thing. We all know what a vaginal delivery looks like, right? We’ve seen plenty of images of them, plus it’s as natural an event as you can get so it’s not hard to imagine how it works.

A c-section? Not so much.

I was born by c-section. My two children were both born by c-section. Even so, I had no idea before I saw these photos–taken by Billy, at the wonderful anesthesiologist’s urging, during Ladybug’s delivery–what a c-section looked like. I didn’t give much thought to the particulars of the surgery before Thumper’s birth because I was going to have a drug-free natural delivery with no medical interventions, thankyouverymuch. And after his birth, I couldn’t bear to think too much about the particulars of the surgery because I felt so traumatized by the way the labor and delivery had gone.

If Billy had photographed my first c-section, I would not have been able to look at those photos. No way.

But the thing is…bloody and medicalized and brutal as it is…this is the way my two beautiful children came into the world. It’s the way I came into the world, and my brother after me. That is the reality of birth for so many of us. (Yes, probably too many, but I’m not interested in debating c-section rates or birth politics here.)

It’s not pretty. It’s not romantic. But it’s birth. It counts.

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31 comments on “What I meant to say was…
  1. Marcy says:

    It’s the end results that are most important. Healthy, beautiful children. That is all that counts.

  2. Cara says:

    Hey! I was born by c-section and so were my two kids!

    I have two pictures from each of the births that I absolutely adore.

    Birth is birth is birth. There’s really no other way to look at it.

  3. Melissa says:

    I got your point. I had never seen pictures like that and at first it was jarring, but they were pictures of a beautiful thing, the birth of your baby.

    Thank you for sharing them.

  4. Nannette says:

    I didn’t say it before, but thank you for posting your pix. My first was born via emergency C-section. I didn’t get to witness (knocked out) and hubby was forced to wait (no time to get him scrubbed up). So the pictures were miraculous for us!

    Healthy babies are always a miracle, no matter what process or path their birth takes!

  5. Stephanie says:

    Marcy – I disagree with you. Saying that the ends justify the means when it comes to birth diminishes the feelings of many women who do feel traumatized by their surgical births. I think it is important for images like these to exist, both to educate everyone about the realities of what a c-section looks like and, more simply, as birth photos for women whose children were born this way.

    So many vaginal births are recorded, but it’s as though we want to sweep the reality of c-sections under the rug. I wish there were fewer sections performed, but that isn’t the point. We should know what this incredibly common surgery looks like.

    (My four siblings and I were all born by c-section. My two children were both born vaginally.)

  6. rachel says:

    I thought they were really interesting. I had what appeared to be a perfect homebirth – then my husband and doula had to transfer my son to the hospital while I stayed home with my midwife and he spent 12 days in the NICU afterward. It was very surreal to not be pregnant anymore, but not have my baby with me either.

  7. Mary says:

    I am also a c-section baby. My tiny little mom (4’11”) would not have been able to have me naturally (1o lbs). Glad she did it too :).

  8. Emma says:

    People were offended ?! Blimey !
    Every birth is different and cause for celebration. Every woman’s experience is worthy of being honoured, however she chooses to do so.
    I think the photos are amazing, moving and beautiful.

  9. Marcy says:

    Obviously Stephanie misunderstood my post. I wasn’t saying the end justifies the means. Or maybe I was. Cari’s healthy, beautiful children are all that matters. However they arrived. I think birth pictures are beautiful with or without medical intervention. I would have loved to see pictures of my daughter being born by c-section. Thanks for sharing!

  10. Mary K. in Rockport says:

    Photos fine by me; done it both ways and, in my opinion, either way a baby gets out is amazing. It’s just really, really great that medical care has progressed such that women and babies do not die during the process in the numbers of all the former millenia.

  11. Katie says:

    Both my brother and I were c-sections. I was six weeks early and my mother had toxemia. There was a window in my mother’s uterus and they were worried that my brother couldn’t be born without rupturing it so he was also a c-section.

  12. Alison says:

    Yay!!
    It’s birth. It’s real. Whether intended, or not, it’s real. And to dismiss it, to suggest it’s offensive, is to dismiss the actual event, and make it so much harder for women put in the same situation to understand and cope with it if it ever happens to them. One of my biggest gripes about ante-natal classes and birth prep is the lack of attention given to how things can go wrong, and what happens when they do. We spend months preparing for The Perfect Birth, and then we’re shocked when it doesn’t go To Plan, and we’re confused because we don’t understand, and we just weren’t prepared.

    Your birth stories are just as valid, and just as important. I am really glad you put the photos up 🙂 And that’s from someone who had an emergency c-section, followed by a natural birth.

    Whatever way – THEY ARE YOUR STORY – and that’s magical in itself.

  13. alic says:

    People can be offended by anything; we can’t control what gets to them. I am glad you posted things you were move to share. And so far as sharing things that are difficult, it’s a job, an important one, for people embolded enough by their sense of what is true. Kiss that landybug and thumper boy, willya?

  14. Bonney says:

    I thought the pictures were a wonderful scene at a new life. You must know by now there are always going to be people out there just waiting to be offended!!

  15. J Strizzy says:

    I’ve been thinking about those photos since you posted them, and thank you. My twins were born via an unplanned but not unforeseen c-section, but until your pictures I had no idea what it looked like. Seeing it actually makes me feel better about the whole thing; makes me realize that however it happens, there’s going to be plenty of noise and effort and blood and then suddenly a new person in the world.

  16. I was actually glad you posted the photos. I gave birth via emergency C-section and found everything about giving birth fascinating and wished I could have seen what it was like. I know my husband happened to look and saw our son curled in my body. Birth is bloody and primal and AMAZING.

  17. Jodi says:

    Just chiming in to say what everyone else is saying: if someone was upset by your photos, don’t let them make you feel like you shouldn’t have posted them. It was a pretty brave thing to do, posting such personal stuff, but that’s what this space is for, right? I have to admit it did make me cry a little to see that hand reaching into your abdomen, but it was partly just because I was so totally freaked out about my own easy, barely-invasive little laparoscopic tubal, and seeing the reality of what you and so many other friends have gone through with c-sections made me realize how freaking strong women can be. Your pictures were honest and amazing.

  18. juliette says:

    you know, your pictures did sort of bother me at first but then I realized I had never seen a C-Section (and I work in a medical field) so I got over it. I am really glad you shared them. Thanks

  19. I had a c-section with both of mine, too, and I cannot begin to tell you how much I have appreciated your sharing both the pictures and your story. Thanks for your bravery!

  20. ellen says:

    Thank you for sharing your pictures and your story. My beautiful grandson was also a C baby and I would never presume to suggest to his mom that her experience wasn’t valid or too awful to see and hear about.

  21. michellenyc says:

    you are alive and well and so are both your children.
    100yrs ago that would likely not have been the case.
    Do they do too many c-sections – probably. Is the alternative worse? Definitely.

  22. Kathy says:

    I am still glad you posted them. My kids were born that way, and I had no idea what it looked like. My husband likes to say he knows what I’m made of since he’s seen my insides. I think it is a good thing for people to see the pictures. As other people have mentioned, everyone knows what a vaginal birth looks like.

    As for people who don’t get/like it, they need to get a life.

  23. Jackie says:

    There is a HUGE difference between having a C-section because it is more “convenient” for the doctor or the mother and needing one to save your kids lives or greatly reduce the danger to their health due to circumstances beyond your control. My first was natural, second C-section, third natural -so I’ve been through both. I, too, thought it was brave of you to post the pictures you did, and feel that it is important for we women to share these experiences of childbirth. We know that we have do to do what we have to do for our children.

  24. PICAdrienne says:

    I have three kids and had one miscarriage. And, in the birthing arena, you might say I have tried all ways. First child was a C-section, she was in a posterior position and not changing. One hundred years ago, good chance that one or both of us would have died during birth. Child two I had an epidural and vaginal birth. Child three, well, he was in a hurry, no drugs at all. Kind of backwards, you might say. As for the pictures, reading your blog is their choice, what you put on your blog is yours. I thought the pictures were interesting.

  25. ginchyworld says:

    Of course it counts. A birth is a birth is a birth, whether it’s vaginal or surgical, it’s still a birth. A baby comes into the world, yup, that equals a birth.

    Thanks for posting the photos.

  26. Tanya says:

    So interesting to hear everyone opine on the birth pics. I have seen a filmed C-section before, back when The Learning Channel actually taught things. My then 4-year-old & I both watched the show “The Operation”. It was fascinating, scary, and amazing. I found the photos a little jarring, but only because that process itself is jarring. If you contemplate the whole thing, how can it not be? We have the ability to cut a person OPEN, take out one living being, stitch up the first one and you end up right as rain again. Surgery itself is “unnatural” and traumatic to the body, yet incredible and often life-saving & necessary. People got offended? Seriously, Offended? Cari’s blog, Cari’s baby, Cari’s birthstory. Anyone bothered by the photos should have remembered that fact & just moved on from it. For anyone to have sensibilities so delicate that they were actually offended, I think says more about their own self-absorbed ego than anything about Cari.

  27. Heather says:

    You know, what I think it comes down to is this: it’s your blog. That was your body. If you want to post pictures, it’s your choice. You’re not answerable to the commenting masses (which included me) for your choice, because it’s your sandbox. Your right to decide which toys you put in it, just like it’s your right to pack them up and take them home.

    I’ll admit that I was rather shocked by it, but it was your choice to post it, and my choice to view it. I think I probably would have been shocked by any surgical photo: I’m just squeamish, and a very nervous patient.

    But I was also waiting to see pictures of the new baby, and I’ve found, over the years, that there are a lot of birth pictures out there, and quite often you end up seeing them if you want to see the new baby picture, too.

    One comes with the other – because it’s life. It’s what it is. It’s not offensive. Frequently shocking and sometimes frightening, but not offensive.

  28. CateinTO says:

    I didn’t comment when you posted those, but I really was moved by them. They were “shocking” to me but not in an offensive way — in the way you describe, as in, why on earth don’t we have a mental picture of what this common thing is. I’m glad you posted them — I like to see the raw, and I appreciate the level of intimacy you were open to sharing.

  29. I didn’t have a C-section either time, but I can relate to the disappointment about natural childbirth plans not turning out as expected. I made it through, but sacrificed all dignity and am probably blacklisted with Doulas of North America for all of the nasty things I was screaming at my doula at the top of my lungs… I felt like a failure because I wasn’t able to be a serene Earth momma goddess like the woman in the Bradley Method movies. It was surprising to feel so sad about it afterwards when I had a beautiful, healthy infant in my arms — I hadn’t realized how invested I was emotionally in the Natural Childbirth, thankyouverymuch experience that I had envisioned and planned during my pregnancy, and on some level maybe I was afraid that if I couldn’t do childbirth the “right” way (this is me judging me here, not me judging others), maybe I wouldn’t be able to do parenting right, either.
    I loved your photos, too, and I’m sure that if I posted photos (or better yet, videos of me screaming at everyone) during my childbirth experiences, it would be MUCH more disturbing than the pictures you posted!

  30. Celia says:

    It’s a miracle any way you look at it. We had it both ways, vaginal for the first kid, then C-section for the second (enormous!) kid. I know you already know that the birth is not the most important thing anyway – it’s every day after that. Twenty-eight and twenty-four years later, it’s still a miracle every day to be somebody’s mother.

  31. Lisa says:

    I’m way behind on my blog reading (understatement) so I’m just looking at your c-section pictures for the first time now. Wow! That is amazing and cool and awesome that you have those. All three of my babies came into the world via c-section, all for different, medically valid reasons. Not what I’d have chosen, but hey…life is life. I SO wished I could have watched my c-sections (at least the last two…the first I was too young and frustrated to care), but I wasn’t given that option. I’m pretty sure my hubby would have passed out cold had I asked him to take pictures, LOL. Anyway, those are special images and I love that you have them! 🙂

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