I don\u0092t often think about the nature of blogs. Odd, maybe, since I\u0092ve kept this blog for quite a while now. I don\u0092t think too much about why I keep it, or why you read it. (Okay, I do sometimes wonder why you read it.) This past week, though, I have been giving it some thought. Blogs are open to the public. Anyone can stumble across it and there\u0092s your crap, right out there for all kinds of strangers to see. Your angst, your not-so-great photos you posted anyway, your badly knit sock. Pictures of your partner, of your baby\u0085 Particularly in a community like ours, this friendly knitblog world, it\u0092s easy to forget that people other than knitters might be reading what you\u0092re up to, that it\u0092s all very public. I try to keep this in mind, using Thumper\u0092s fake name, blogging our road trip a few days behind our actual progress so no one would know exactly where we were who shouldn\u0092t have known. (Did you know that? Yeah\u0085when you thought we were in Yellowstone we were already here in Portland, etc.)<\/p>\n
I think that people who set up blogs for a very small audience\u0097say a baby blog intended only for family and friends\u0097may also forget how public an act it is. Because they only share the url with people they know, they may forget that a Google search can lead others to the site. And so you may find yourself looking at photos of someone\u0092s baby, seeing what they keep in their refrigerator, reading about their visit to the in-laws\u0085and getting the sense that they have no idea anyone other than family is reading it. <\/p>\n
Which is to say\u0097I was Googling names of men from my distant distant past the other night and came across someone I\u0092d been Googling off and on for a long time with no luck. Someone I was nearly certain was dead, I should add. Someone I\u0092d last seen in Amsterdam, and who I never would have expected to find in the States. How did I find him? His baby\u0092s blog. He\u0092s alive, apparently well, married, and has a beautiful son. And he\u0092s here in the States, not in Europe. In fact, he\u0092s only about a four-hour drive from here. I read back through the archives, watched the YouTube baby videos, read the birth story. Saw photos of his wife. Saw photos of him. The baby. Etc. <\/p>\n
And then I started to get the feeling that I was trespassing somehow. When does lurking cross the line into some kind of cyber stalking? I was so happy to find that this man is still alive, so happy to finally have news of him, and to see him doing so well. I was hungry for information about this lovely life of his that I never expected he would have\u0085and I gathered up as much information as I could from the blog. But that information? The photos and stories? They weren\u0092t posted for old girlfriends from 1994 and a different life in Amsterdam. (Girlfriend\u0097such a sweet term and so not the right one to describe what we were up to back then. Old lover, I guess, would fit better. Or dalliance, even. It was a short-lived thing, and I don\u0092t mean to give the impression that we were terribly close.) They were posted for friends, and for family far away. They use the baby\u0092s real name, first AND last. And there I was, pawing through it all.<\/p>\n
I decided to leave a comment, just to let them know that I was there and I had read the blog. That I was pleased to see him doing so well, and remember him very fondly, and that I wished them the best. Because to stumble across these private acts made public and to not say anything\u0085 It\u0092s a public blog, but it still felt\/feels like a kind of transgression to be there without them \u0093knowing\u0094 it. And I find myself going back to the blog and looking at the pictures again, checking often to see if they\u0092ve posted or commented back or deleted my comment. (And I guess that\u0092s where I start to feel like I\u0092m doing more than lurking. Where I feel like I\u0092m crossing some kind of boundary.) I haven\u0092t had a response to my comment, nor have they posted since I left it. They don\u0092t post often, though, so maybe it\u0092s coincidence. Or maybe they\u0092re freaked out to find a comment on their baby\u0092s blog from an old flame and now they\u0092ve been reminded of the public nature of the internet and so are feeling exposed. Or maybe I overthink everything (from things like this to the way a neighbor receives a loaf of bread) to a ridiculous degree. (They aren\u0092t posting, so it MUST be about me. Because what isn\u0092t about me? Oy vey.)<\/p>\n
So\u0085yeah. Old lover not dead. Looks happier and way healthier than when I knew him. Lovely wife. Gorgeous son. Fantastic. Would I love to hear from him? Just an acknowledgment of some kind? Of course I would\u0085but now perhaps I should just lose the link and be about my own life again, the one he hasn\u0092t been a part of for well over thirteen years, and leave them to theirs, and stop looking in through their window, even though they\u0092ve forgotten to draw the curtains.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I don\u0092t often think about the nature of blogs. Odd, maybe, since I\u0092ve kept this blog for quite a while now. I don\u0092t think too much about why I keep it, or why you read it. (Okay, I do sometimes …<\/p>\n