The very worst thing about unsolicited advice, particularly of the sort left in blog comments, is that sometimes–okay, fairly often–it’s right. And I HATE that. Because that means admitting you were right and I was being stubborn. (Shocking to those who’ve been here a while, I know.)
When I posted about it taking a while to get pregnant again, the well-meaning advice flowed rather freely in the comments. I hadn’t shared that information because I was looking for advice. I shared it because that’s what’s going on in my life right now and so much not talking about it was making me hate the blog. Every post felt fake because of what I was so carefully not saying. But I didn’t want advice. Didn’t want it. It came in, and I got really pissed. Pissed off at every single well-meaning commenter.
(Yes, I do that pretty much every time a post generates unsolicited advice. Yes, I should probably look into getting over it.)
Many commenters agreed that I should read Taking Charge of Your Fertility. The gall! To suggest that I should read a book and maybe be proactive about what was going on. The gall to use the word “fertility,” because using that word meant maybe there was a fertility problem here. I was so mad. Totally totally pissed. I may have said something not very nice to Norma, because she is a very dear real-world friend and so a safe person to say not-very-nice things to. And also she has a very thick (though lovely and dewy) skin. But still. Not nice.
In short, dear reader, I am an ass.
A few days later I got over myself, and the fact that very kind readers of my blog had had the nerve to offer help with a problem I was having without my having specifically asked for the help. I bought the book. I read it.
I’m not here to say I’m pregnant. I might be. I might not be. Too soon to know. I do know that as soon as I read the book and decided to start following its charting methods, I felt better. All the anxiety of trying to get pregnant eased, because here is something I can actually do. It won’t put things in my control, but it will allow me to be proactive, to be sure I’m doing everything I can do to make that baby. And then letting go of the rest, the part I can’t control. It’s less to let go than I was trying to manage before, when I was leaving everything up to chance and a vague sense of what was going on in my body. I was so confident I knew EXACTLY what was going on with my cycle. I did not.
Again, dear readers, I am an ass.
But now I’m a proactive, informed ass.
And I’m sorry I doubted you. I’m sorry if I maybe said any nasty things about you to Billy. (No, no darling, not YOU! I said nasty things about someone else. Certainly not you. Never you.)
Once again, I have proven myself to be 100% human. Do you still love me?
Gee, I’ve NEVER felt that way before. I’m always gracious and welcoming of all advice I receive. You don’t know me, so I’ll add the dreaded emoticon:)
But, seriously, I don’t know that specific book but I did chart my fertility for many years for both contraception and babymaking (until, well, you know, I didn’t need to anymore) and I think it’s wonderful. It’s great to know what’s going on more intimately with my body, my moods, my energy and creativity levels. Have fun!
Oh, and I absolutely still love you in my mostly-lurking kind of way. You challenge and entertain me – what more could I ask?
Of course we love you!! You’re human! Takes a lot of courage to put it all out there! Welcome to the club!
Of course I still love you! I will at least until you leave a comment on my blog telling me how to improve my knitting 🙂
Yes, absolutely your readers still love you 🙂 I think it is very brave of you to talk about it with us in the first place and open yourself to comments/advice (wanted or unwanted).
Long-time lurker, first-time poster, co-hater of unrequested (and sometimes requested) advice.
I’m willing to bet that having some of that stress relieved will do wonders. In the meantime, I have to say that you have a lovely son, and reading about your adventures together always brightens my day.
I agree that this was a brave discussion to have in the first place, and that your reflection on it was even braver. I’ll continue to read your blog and appreciate it all the more for this. I’m glad you’re in the world. 🙂
Hey, I am a mostly lurking reader. I used to blog until I got a few too many unsolicited advice comments on what was, in retrospect, a very dark post-partum time in my life. I’m ready to blog again, but it makes you think. Also, I didn’t get pregnant until I read the above book, and hot damn, it worked like a charm. Isn’t it amazing how unaware of our own cycles we’re brought up to be? We’ll be trying to have another baby here pretty soon, so good luck to all of those mamas out there who are hoping for 2009 babes.
Do you have to ask?
Everyone’s an ass sometimes. I know I am. Of course I still love you.
Thanks for being so brave, to share so much with us strangers.
I’m also a longtime lurker… and have only recently caught up – my own long-awaited baby arrived last April, and I lost your blog in the shuffle. I caught up last weekend, and I feel grateful to have been able to. I’m not afraid to admit that tears were shed, and that a large helping of good thoughts were sent your way. I agree with Delf – I admire your bravery. Sometimes sharing the good and the bad is the best way to help people, and to help yourself, even when you get both good and bad back.
(And, I know about the unsolicited advice… I hate it too. I especially hate it when it’s helpful.)
Take good care.
Always. 🙂
Who am I to judge someone else. I’m an ass most of the time myself! 🙂
The best part about TCOYF (which I read cover to cover when I was first trying to get pregnant as well) was that it became fairly evident rather quickly that we were going to have trouble getting pregnant. Because I knew my body and what was going on I could go and get help early (the fact that I waited years to use that help is a whole other issue. Alls well that ends well, right?)
It never hurts to be armed with information.
And everyone’s an ass sometimes.
And last but not least, blogs suck like that when you’re hurting and you just want to vent and everyone tries to be “helpful.” I’m glad that the advice was actually good advice. I’ve gotten plenty of the other kind as well, even when I specifically asked that it NOT be given. 😉
I’ve got everything crossed that you will be pregnant this month. I know how it feels to want it more than anything.
Of course we still love you. And furthermore, I have been known to brindle up over SOLICITED advice when it went counter to my (usually extremely childish) World Vision.
Unsolicited advice has been known to send me into a snarling fit of cupboard slamming. Not. Pretty.
But oh-so-human. 🙂
Oh I only love humans, so I guess you’re safe.
um, i did not leave advice, i just leave those peppy polly anna-like comments that might piss you off too. hope they do not make you talk about me to billy. 🙂 of course we love you, girl
i’m glad you got that book. i felt so empowered after i read it. all of those years i thought i knew what was going on with my body but i didn’t have a clue!
Love you even more!
Big kiss. Of course we do!
From one ass to another, of course we still do! We’re still hear reading, aren’t we?
Yes.
I love you most when you are especially human. Please screw up often. Perfect people are boring and only lower the self esteem of those around them.
You know we still love you. And now back to deciding which baby blanket to knit for the future niece/nephew due in July….
Unsolicited advice was something I dreaded when telling people I was pregnant.
Unsolicited advice and asinine comments.
Sometimes you are inside my head :-).
Crossing fingers for you.
Now I feel awkward about all of the unsolicited gardening advice. Egad. But it won’t stop me from telling you to plant Italian red torpedo onions. In March.
Honey, we have ALL been there. My friend Dana tried to get pregnant for years and finally succeeded with a Chinese doctor and wrote a book The Tao of Fertility. She was on the Today Show about it, and no this is NOT ADVICE!!! It is just a book title.
Sending you light and good thoughts. You will be pregnant. I know it.
Mwah! of course…
I’m glad you’re here in the blogiverse and I love hearing your ‘voice’ in it. Your bravery in so many things astounds and helps me look at my own life in a better way. hugs.
you wouldn’t be nearly so loveable if you weren’t a stubborn pain in the ass. (of course, i truly believe the same thing about myself, so i am utterly biased in your favor.) xo.
I still think you are great, and its nice to know someone has the same reactions!
I can be the same way about unsolicited advice, depending on the topic and as a result, try not to offer it and when I feel I must, I preface it with “this is unsolicited advice so feel free to ignore it or to just tell me to bug off”. All that being said, my aunt recently gave me a copy of that book, which I had recently purchased on the advice of a friend’s wife (so I now have an older copy and the newest edition, which is fine with me because Dave will probably want to read it, too). We’re not trying yet because I need to finish grad school first, but I hope that it will work for us. I hope it has worked for you. I look forward to the post that reveals to all of us that it has.
It’s an excellent book. I’m glad you got it, though I cannot remember if I’m one of the one’s that recommended it.
Good luck. And yeah we still love you.
Oh, Cari, don’t be so hard on yourself. It’s such a difficult subject and you are brave to open yourself up to all the comment and advice. I hardly talk about it with my friends or on my blog. I may even be inspired enough to pick up the book myself. I’m getting worn out with the “trying”. Sending you, and all the other hopeful tryers baby vibes.
ROFL. Well, the funny part of this is no, you never said anything of the kind to me. However, I did invite you to, and to tell me to STFU, and you responded with “I love you dearly,” or something of the kind. So apparently you TOTALLY DISSED ME to Billy.
Fair enough. hahahahaha.
You ass. Heeee. XOXO (mwah!)
I can so totally relate to this brand of ass-dom. Har har on us!
Aww. You’re not an arse.
I am a sonographer and I see many women trying to get/stay pregnant or otherwise looking forward to motherhood. It can be a very stressful time for some couples. Go easy on yourself. Big hug to you.
Yep you are right about the book. It helps you feel in control of a situation you aren’t totally in control of.
Happy baby making.
I love and really admire your honesty. I am not very good at taking advice, but probably not so good at admitting it!
My husband was initially against my charting because he didn’t want us to lose the “magic” of baby-making. He came around once I explained how it lessened my anxiety, and just let me know what was going on. I really appreciate how it made me feel like I was in control of something.
You’re going yo getting your baby this year, I can feel it!
We are defined best by our flaws, for those that love us most admire those flaws. Therefore, flaws create the love we so desire. 🙂
You’re hilarious. I’m glad you got the book, though. So empowering, no? It should be a must-read for all women. Best of luck to you and your family, momma.
🙂 this post makes me smile only because we are all human, the people who leave the comments and the people who accept them (or ignore them or bitch about them.) i’m glad to hear that that advice did help you though!
Ahhhh, we all have our moments of ass-dom. I have them quite frequently. I love you dearly and miss you loads. Are you and Thumper going to come east soon? I hope?
You’d need to do much more to lose our lurky love. You are, after all, a successful writer and therefore worthy of love and respect. (Publications be damned, you have pages to show for it – do you know how huge that is?) Never doubt it, though: You are a human.
Also usually a lurker … GREAT post.
And TCOYF is a great book. I liked charting, too. Made me feel like I was being proactive.
I hope you get all you wish for this year.
Why, yes, in fact, I do love you. You’re one of the most intelligent, sweetest asses I have the privelege of knowing.
(Brought to you by the Lee Ann All Kinds Of Wrong Commenting Trend.)
To ass is to human. Just sayin’.
I like your open writing style. Don’t hold back.
This may help:
~ “This is always a sort of trap a writer, painter or musician has, to acutally express himself completely without worryng about what it looks like in public.” – Allen Greensburg