The first and most obvious separation from my son was his birth, of course. IÂ’d gotten used to feeling him move in my belly, his sharp little heels poking out or his butt piking up to be rubbed through my skin. Feeling him sleeping and waking and having him always there with me. And then he was born and I recognized those same movements and rhythms in this creature now outside of my body and breathing on his own. But still kept close to me, worn in a sling against my body by day and snugged up beside me in bed by night. Fed from my body. Still a part of me, nearly.
At six months he started sitting up independently. He no longer needed me to hold him while he played with toys. And then he started eating solid foods and was no longer exclusively dependent on my breast milk for his nutrition.
Now, at eight months, I still wear him in his sling and we still breastfeed and sleep cuddled up together at night. But heÂ’s getting ready to move. HeÂ’s trying to crawl and wants to be helped to stand. Sometimes IÂ’ll nurse him and heÂ’ll cry in hunger, no longer satisfied with just my milk. He now wants sweet potatoes, peas, carrots, apple. HeÂ’s over 21 pounds and heÂ’s a hungry guy.
IÂ’m proud of how he sits up on his own and plays with toys. IÂ’m proud of the fact that he wants to move around and explore. Proud that he enjoys his food and happily tries new things. And itÂ’s not like heÂ’s gone off to school or even daycare. Not like he sleeps in his own bed in his own room. WeÂ’re still very much attached, very much together. (Perhaps more together even now than other moms and babies with different parenting styles are from birth.) His growing independence, the fact that with each developmental step forward he becomes more and more an other, his own person separate from me and from my body, is a natural, healthy progression. ItÂ’s exciting to watch, but at the same time it hurts me. He needs me less with each passing week. Today he wants breast milk, but he also wants oatmeal and blueberries. Someday soon he wonÂ’t want the breast milk.
Yesterday I had to go to the dentist. Previous attempts to bring him with me were an absolute disaster for all involved, even when my mother came along to entertain him in the waiting room. The obvious solution was to leave him home with my mother while I went to the dentist. There and back plus the actual appointment would have me gone for no more than four hours. And so thatÂ’s what we did. I was afraid he would cry the whole time. I was afraid I would cry the whole time. Billy had taken him out for an hour or two before to let me work, but always stayed close to the house so they could run back to me to nurse or to cuddle. Never before had I been the one to leave. How would we handle it?
He was fine. He played. He ate some pureed carrots. He napped. He cried a bit when he woke up and found I wasn’t there, but then he played some more. When I walked in the door he looked up and smiled. He was happy I was home, but he’d been happy cuddling with Gramma too. I’ll admit I’d been half-hoping for a tearful, relieved reunion for us both. But it turns out we were fine. Both of us, fine. It’s natural. I have to remind myself that it’s natural to start to have some independence—both of us from each other—at eight months. The fact that I felt mostly okay going out and leaving him at home with my mom proves that. But it feels strange to be okay with it.
I trust that each subsequent separation will be just as natural. When he no longer wants to be carried in his sling, when he sleeps in his own room, when he starts school, becomes a teenager (oy vey), goes off to collegeÂ… IÂ’m guessing weÂ’ll both be just as ready for these things as we were ready to be apart for a few hours one day this week. So if weÂ’re ready for the separation weÂ’ve just had, and I trust that we will be ready for the coming separations, why am I so anxious? Why am I wishing I could hold on to that little nursling tucked into his sling forever?
I love watching my baby grow into a confident little boy. I do. But I already miss that time when he was small and sleepy and completely mine.
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My oldest will be 14 tomorrow. I know how you feel, letting them grow up is natural, but it is hard on the Mama! Each time my kids have a chance to become more independent, it hurts me. They seem to manage it far better than I. I can tell how very much loved this little Thumper is!!
Posted by: jaci
What a lovely post…it sounds like you are handling his growing independence with grace. He’s such a cutie. It’s hard to believe that he’s 8 months old already.
Posted by: Teri S.
And when he’s 26 and riding the Q train by himself and remembers reading this post, he’ll want you all over again.
Posted by: john
I am guessing all mothers go through this at various points in their children’s lives. My little man is 16 months, still breastfeeding, and just recently transitioned to his crib (so I could sleep without being nursed ALL NIGHT LONG….) I was ready for his independence, then desperate for him to “need” me again. Pulled in two ways. Motherhood is bittersweet, n’est-ce pas?
Posted by: avril
Oh I know this feeling well. My little man is almost 6, and fun to talk to and spend time with and watching him learning to read amazes me every single time and I wouldn’t trade the experience for the world. And he’s still cuddly. But ya. I miss the part where he was a small bundle who was all mine.
Posted by: Rachel H
awww (((hugs))). We are just transitioning our little guy (nearly 2) to his own bed and the first night I didn’t sleep a wink – how I missed that little face beside me! Ah parenting, strongly flavoured with the bittersweet!
Posted by: Kellie
I’m in the same state as Avril with Felix at 14 months. I love that he still breastfeeds and while I hope it continues for as long as we both want to, I remember when I couldn’t imagine it stopping. Even now, when I am not around him, I miss him terribly and feel like I am doing something wrong. But, when I drop him off at the baby-sitter’s and he runs off to play with the other kids, I know that he is happy. It all feels natural, each step…eventually. Sometimes when I look down at the sleeping boy in my arms, I miss the sleeping baby that used to be there. But, it is so cool to watch him grow.
Thanks for sharing…even from way over here…it is great to share and not feel so alone in mamahood.
Posted by: Sarah
Oh, I remember that. My oldest will be 5 on Tuesday and I remember very clearly lying in bed with her the day before her 3rd birthday. She had been weaned for a month already and I just started bawling. She wasn’t my baby anymore.
I must say, though, the more children I’ve had, the easier it has been to watch them grow up and become more independent.
Bittersweet.
Posted by: Patti
Awww. This is so sweet and captures all the emotions so well. Mine are 7,5 and 2, and although most of the separations are very natural, there are a few doosies (1st grade–wahhhhhh!). But even though you long for the wonderful things they grow out of, on the flip side, there are so many fantastic things that keep coming–wait until he throws his arms around your neck and says “I love you Mommy”.
Posted by: Emily
my 27 yr old son http://www.julianvelard.com still comes up to me whenever he’s up north in Manhattan from down south in red hook bklyn and says “I Love you mommy” – that’s something that never, ever stops – no matter what you do or don’t do to them!
of course, now he’s 6-2+1/2 and towers over me, crushing me with his hugs … but that’s the natural imperative, je pense!
Posted by: Margaret
Boy, can i relate! Every one of those milestones — sitting up, crawling, walking, learning to feed oneself, and so on — are thrilling and sad at the same time. My kids never tire of hearing about what they were like when they were babies, and about how they slept with me and were carried everywhere until they got too big and heavy for me to do so. Hannah still sleeps with me a lot of the time, and they both climb into bed with me every morning for at least a little while. i know they’ll grow out of that eventually, but I hope it’s not for a long time.
Posted by: regina
Nothing makes you feel guilty like leaving your baby behind for the first time. The first time I did it with my youngest, I wanted to turn around and go back. It becomes easier because you know they are in good hands, but it is still so terrible to know they won’t always be your baby.
Posted by: Kathy
Cari, your post hit a chord with me tonight b/c I started solids a few days ago with Beatrix. Ugh. Part of me is thrilled that she hates them. I know, not good. I understand completely! Best of luck!
Posted by: Elinor
I think you miss how that little nursling made you feel. Now you have to learn a new way of being a mom and you have growing pains. But there are rewards and I’m sure you know that.
Posted by: LaurieM
That whole post just hurt me to my soul. I already feel some of that with Kaya, and she’s only 2.5 months old! I missed her being inside me and kicking, and I love seeing what she does every day, but the idea of her becoming more independent just hurts me. Thanks for going through this a few months ahead of me… maybe it will make it a bit easier on us. Sigh!
Posted by: Johanna
Yeah, boy, it goes by quickly. Let me tell ya.
*sigh*
Posted by: Norma
This is very sweet. I’m living vicariously.
Posted by: alison
My oldest will be 14 tomorrow. I know how you feel, letting them grow up is natural, but it is hard on the Mama! Each time my kids have a chance to become more independent, it hurts me. They seem to manage it far better than I. I can tell how very much loved this little Thumper is!!
Posted by: jaci
What a lovely post…it sounds like you are handling his growing independence with grace. He’s such a cutie. It’s hard to believe that he’s 8 months old already.
Posted by: Teri S.
And when he’s 26 and riding the Q train by himself and remembers reading this post, he’ll want you all over again.
Posted by: john
I am guessing all mothers go through this at various points in their children’s lives. My little man is 16 months, still breastfeeding, and just recently transitioned to his crib (so I could sleep without being nursed ALL NIGHT LONG….) I was ready for his independence, then desperate for him to “need” me again. Pulled in two ways. Motherhood is bittersweet, n’est-ce pas?
Posted by: avril
Oh I know this feeling well. My little man is almost 6, and fun to talk to and spend time with and watching him learning to read amazes me every single time and I wouldn’t trade the experience for the world. And he’s still cuddly. But ya. I miss the part where he was a small bundle who was all mine.
Posted by: Rachel H
awww (((hugs))). We are just transitioning our little guy (nearly 2) to his own bed and the first night I didn’t sleep a wink – how I missed that little face beside me! Ah parenting, strongly flavoured with the bittersweet!
Posted by: Kellie
I’m in the same state as Avril with Felix at 14 months. I love that he still breastfeeds and while I hope it continues for as long as we both want to, I remember when I couldn’t imagine it stopping. Even now, when I am not around him, I miss him terribly and feel like I am doing something wrong. But, when I drop him off at the baby-sitter’s and he runs off to play with the other kids, I know that he is happy. It all feels natural, each step…eventually. Sometimes when I look down at the sleeping boy in my arms, I miss the sleeping baby that used to be there. But, it is so cool to watch him grow.
Thanks for sharing…even from way over here…it is great to share and not feel so alone in mamahood.
Posted by: Sarah
Oh, I remember that. My oldest will be 5 on Tuesday and I remember very clearly lying in bed with her the day before her 3rd birthday. She had been weaned for a month already and I just started bawling. She wasn’t my baby anymore.
I must say, though, the more children I’ve had, the easier it has been to watch them grow up and become more independent.
Bittersweet.
Posted by: Patti
Awww. This is so sweet and captures all the emotions so well. Mine are 7,5 and 2, and although most of the separations are very natural, there are a few doosies (1st grade–wahhhhhh!). But even though you long for the wonderful things they grow out of, on the flip side, there are so many fantastic things that keep coming–wait until he throws his arms around your neck and says “I love you Mommy”.
Posted by: Emily
my 27 yr old son http://www.julianvelard.com still comes up to me whenever he’s up north in Manhattan from down south in red hook bklyn and says “I Love you mommy” – that’s something that never, ever stops – no matter what you do or don’t do to them!
of course, now he’s 6-2+1/2 and towers over me, crushing me with his hugs … but that’s the natural imperative, je pense!
Posted by: Margaret
Boy, can i relate! Every one of those milestones — sitting up, crawling, walking, learning to feed oneself, and so on — are thrilling and sad at the same time. My kids never tire of hearing about what they were like when they were babies, and about how they slept with me and were carried everywhere until they got too big and heavy for me to do so. Hannah still sleeps with me a lot of the time, and they both climb into bed with me every morning for at least a little while. i know they’ll grow out of that eventually, but I hope it’s not for a long time.
Posted by: regina
Nothing makes you feel guilty like leaving your baby behind for the first time. The first time I did it with my youngest, I wanted to turn around and go back. It becomes easier because you know they are in good hands, but it is still so terrible to know they won’t always be your baby.
Posted by: Kathy
Cari, your post hit a chord with me tonight b/c I started solids a few days ago with Beatrix. Ugh. Part of me is thrilled that she hates them. I know, not good. I understand completely! Best of luck!
Posted by: Elinor
I think you miss how that little nursling made you feel. Now you have to learn a new way of being a mom and you have growing pains. But there are rewards and I’m sure you know that.
Posted by: LaurieM
That whole post just hurt me to my soul. I already feel some of that with Kaya, and she’s only 2.5 months old! I missed her being inside me and kicking, and I love seeing what she does every day, but the idea of her becoming more independent just hurts me. Thanks for going through this a few months ahead of me… maybe it will make it a bit easier on us. Sigh!
Posted by: Johanna
Yeah, boy, it goes by quickly. Let me tell ya.
*sigh*
Posted by: Norma
This is very sweet. I’m living vicariously.
Posted by: alison
A beautiful post. They are more ready to move ahead than we are, even when we want them to. When they take off for the first time on a two-wheeler and leave us behind. When they go to first grade. When we leave them at college with all their stuff – they can’t wait to have us leave, and we get to weep in the car all the way home.(See Hillary Clinton’s autobiography – there’s a very funny photo of Bill standing in Chelsea’s new dorm room looking all befuddled and stricken while Hillary and Chelsea are bustling around unpacking her stuff.)When our first born was brand new, there was an ad on TV (from the church of Latter Day Saints maybe?)with a sound track of the song “Turn Around.” A young father visits his wife and new baby in the hospital for the first time, and he sees them in the hallway waiting to meet him. In his mind’s eye, the baby morphs into a child in a ballet tutu, a high school graduate, a bride and back into a baby – made me cry every single time while I held my own new baby. That ad encapsulated the twist of emotions we feel – the pride in the moment, the nostalgic memories of all the milestones that went before, even the forward nostalgia if there is such a thing. What a complicated tangle we mothers are!
Posted by: Mary K. in Rockport
What a lovely post…………..
Posted by: christine
What an interesting perspective. I only see this from the non-mother, daughter-who-didn’t-want-*quite*-so-much-attention-and-angst angle.
Very illuminating.
Cute picture!
Posted by: claudia
Mm. I know what you’re talking about. And I didn’t nurse much. And didn’t co-sleep. These things you describe – this separation and move to independence. I think these are some of the reasons I have five children.
Posted by: Laura
I find that is the hardest part of motherhood…wanting them to grow, and missing the dependence at the same time. I find it rather lonely. My oldest is six and we are still adjusting.
Posted by: Becca
Ow. I can’t even imagine what this feels like, but it sounds like it hurts.
Thanks for sharing this.
Posted by: Mandy
One of my favorite sayings about children is, “Pick me up, put me down, hold me close, let me go.” Knowing that you’re there is what gives him the freedom to find his own place, and when you least expect it, he’ll need you fiercely and you’ll be there.
Posted by: Anne
My sons are now 35, 20 and 18. The baby will graduate in the spring. I still cherish every moment, I sill wish I could hold them on my lap. You never stop loving them this way and watching them grow up is both the most exciting and the hardest thing you do.
Welcome to motherhood. It’s an awesome thing.
Jan in PA
Posted by: Jan in PA
Yes, it’s very bittersweet – and the most normal and wonderful thing in the world. I breastfed all my four for 14 months minimum (the youngest until four) and I was inspired by a friend who said she couldn;t remember when any of hers had weaned – the transition had been so gradual and natural that one day she simply realised that the little one hadn’t fed for a while. I loved that image and it worked beautifully for us. My eldest three are now teenagers and it’s still a lovely dance – I encourage their independence or they ask for more freedom at some times, while at others they stay closer or I hold onto them. Letting them go is all part of being firmly attached. If it’s a good, healthy, well made bond between moher and child it will include independence and warm, nuturing love at the same time….
Posted by: gen
My oldest is 14 and I still feel the same exact way about him. He got a letter the other day from a friend of mine (a Get Well card due to his new kidney disease, actually) and took it in his room to read. I felt it, his need for independence, privacy, his own space, and it hurt, and yet, I am okay with it too.
Posted by: Jaimi
Nicely put, and very timely for me since Jacob weaned himself last week. I think you’ll really enjoy the movement phase, though. The eagerness with which they share their discovery of the world is just a wonder.
Posted by: Amy
What a ridiculously cute baby!
Posted by: Christiane
My daughter used to freak out when I got my hair cut, even if she was sitting on my lap.
I didn’t go with formal “attachment parenting” but I definitely held my daughter more than anyone else I knew, and we are probably still closer physically than most moms with 7yos. But every day it gets a little less.
I never left her for more than an hour every few months until she was 3 years old, and that was at the “kid’s room” at the gym. It took THREE weeks for me to leave her there alone to play until finally, though teary-eyed, she held her hand up and said, “Just go.” Everyone makes fun of me for that, but I don’t regret it!
She is a very independent and confident kid, the opposite of what some people told me would happen because I was always with her. So there.
And even though she is in second grade now, every time I drop her off at school and watch her walk in all alone, happy as a clam, my heart breaks a tiny little bit.
Bittersweet is right.
Posted by: jessie
I know, very deeply, how you feel. I think it’s important to recongnize that mothers, regardless of parenting style, are very attached to their children. I hate that the recent phenomenon of categorizing “styles” of parenting has served so much to divide mothers and encourage comparisons.
Posted by: JulieFrick
Interesting musing on separation – I really don’t think I was old enough to think that much about it when it was happening for me.
Posted by: Cassie
Wow, what soulful eyes! That guy is going to be some handsome man.
Posted by: Shelley (Pink House)
Mmm…yep, it’s tough. Mine are 14.5, 12.5 and 11 and it’s hard to see them growing up. On the other hand, I really like my kids and the people they’re becoming; they’re smart and funny and have a great sense of who they are already. So there’s some sugar in this pill. And they all still cuddle! 🙂
Posted by: Steph Bolinger
I hear ya’ and I remember having a baby or two on my hip…now those babies are 6’1 and 5’9…and they pick me up. I sometimes look at them and wonder where did these ‘almost’ men come from? Oh yeah they were babies once.
Enjoy every moment because it goes fast.
Posted by: Ilona
My Baby just called me tonite. She is 19 and lives about 4miles away. She is sick and I asked her if she wanted me to sleep with the phone tonite just in case. She seemed to take comfort in that idea. I am also a School Bus Driver. All the kids are precious to me but as each new school year begins I have to remind myself that There are moms just letting go for the first time and that I have their babies in my custody and care and that I need to Honor that responsibility greatly. Now why isnt my 22yr old son home from work yet?
Posted by: Lori
A beautiful post. They are more ready to move ahead than we are, even when we want them to. When they take off for the first time on a two-wheeler and leave us behind. When they go to first grade. When we leave them at college with all their stuff – they can’t wait to have us leave, and we get to weep in the car all the way home.(See Hillary Clinton’s autobiography – there’s a very funny photo of Bill standing in Chelsea’s new dorm room looking all befuddled and stricken while Hillary and Chelsea are bustling around unpacking her stuff.)When our first born was brand new, there was an ad on TV (from the church of Latter Day Saints maybe?)with a sound track of the song “Turn Around.” A young father visits his wife and new baby in the hospital for the first time, and he sees them in the hallway waiting to meet him. In his mind’s eye, the baby morphs into a child in a ballet tutu, a high school graduate, a bride and back into a baby – made me cry every single time while I held my own new baby. That ad encapsulated the twist of emotions we feel – the pride in the moment, the nostalgic memories of all the milestones that went before, even the forward nostalgia if there is such a thing. What a complicated tangle we mothers are!
Posted by: Mary K. in Rockport
What a lovely post…………..
Posted by: christine
What an interesting perspective. I only see this from the non-mother, daughter-who-didn’t-want-*quite*-so-much-attention-and-angst angle.
Very illuminating.
Cute picture!
Posted by: claudia
Mm. I know what you’re talking about. And I didn’t nurse much. And didn’t co-sleep. These things you describe – this separation and move to independence. I think these are some of the reasons I have five children.
Posted by: Laura
I find that is the hardest part of motherhood…wanting them to grow, and missing the dependence at the same time. I find it rather lonely. My oldest is six and we are still adjusting.
Posted by: Becca
Ow. I can’t even imagine what this feels like, but it sounds like it hurts.
Thanks for sharing this.
Posted by: Mandy
One of my favorite sayings about children is, “Pick me up, put me down, hold me close, let me go.” Knowing that you’re there is what gives him the freedom to find his own place, and when you least expect it, he’ll need you fiercely and you’ll be there.
Posted by: Anne
My sons are now 35, 20 and 18. The baby will graduate in the spring. I still cherish every moment, I sill wish I could hold them on my lap. You never stop loving them this way and watching them grow up is both the most exciting and the hardest thing you do.
Welcome to motherhood. It’s an awesome thing.
Jan in PA
Posted by: Jan in PA
Yes, it’s very bittersweet – and the most normal and wonderful thing in the world. I breastfed all my four for 14 months minimum (the youngest until four) and I was inspired by a friend who said she couldn;t remember when any of hers had weaned – the transition had been so gradual and natural that one day she simply realised that the little one hadn’t fed for a while. I loved that image and it worked beautifully for us. My eldest three are now teenagers and it’s still a lovely dance – I encourage their independence or they ask for more freedom at some times, while at others they stay closer or I hold onto them. Letting them go is all part of being firmly attached. If it’s a good, healthy, well made bond between moher and child it will include independence and warm, nuturing love at the same time….
Posted by: gen
My oldest is 14 and I still feel the same exact way about him. He got a letter the other day from a friend of mine (a Get Well card due to his new kidney disease, actually) and took it in his room to read. I felt it, his need for independence, privacy, his own space, and it hurt, and yet, I am okay with it too.
Posted by: Jaimi
Nicely put, and very timely for me since Jacob weaned himself last week. I think you’ll really enjoy the movement phase, though. The eagerness with which they share their discovery of the world is just a wonder.
Posted by: Amy
What a ridiculously cute baby!
Posted by: Christiane
My daughter used to freak out when I got my hair cut, even if she was sitting on my lap.
I didn’t go with formal “attachment parenting” but I definitely held my daughter more than anyone else I knew, and we are probably still closer physically than most moms with 7yos. But every day it gets a little less.
I never left her for more than an hour every few months until she was 3 years old, and that was at the “kid’s room” at the gym. It took THREE weeks for me to leave her there alone to play until finally, though teary-eyed, she held her hand up and said, “Just go.” Everyone makes fun of me for that, but I don’t regret it!
She is a very independent and confident kid, the opposite of what some people told me would happen because I was always with her. So there.
And even though she is in second grade now, every time I drop her off at school and watch her walk in all alone, happy as a clam, my heart breaks a tiny little bit.
Bittersweet is right.
Posted by: jessie
I know, very deeply, how you feel. I think it’s important to recongnize that mothers, regardless of parenting style, are very attached to their children. I hate that the recent phenomenon of categorizing “styles” of parenting has served so much to divide mothers and encourage comparisons.
Posted by: JulieFrick
Interesting musing on separation – I really don’t think I was old enough to think that much about it when it was happening for me.
Posted by: Cassie
Wow, what soulful eyes! That guy is going to be some handsome man.
Posted by: Shelley (Pink House)
Mmm…yep, it’s tough. Mine are 14.5, 12.5 and 11 and it’s hard to see them growing up. On the other hand, I really like my kids and the people they’re becoming; they’re smart and funny and have a great sense of who they are already. So there’s some sugar in this pill. And they all still cuddle! 🙂
Posted by: Steph Bolinger
I hear ya’ and I remember having a baby or two on my hip…now those babies are 6’1 and 5’9…and they pick me up. I sometimes look at them and wonder where did these ‘almost’ men come from? Oh yeah they were babies once.
Enjoy every moment because it goes fast.
Posted by: Ilona
My Baby just called me tonite. She is 19 and lives about 4miles away. She is sick and I asked her if she wanted me to sleep with the phone tonite just in case. She seemed to take comfort in that idea. I am also a School Bus Driver. All the kids are precious to me but as each new school year begins I have to remind myself that There are moms just letting go for the first time and that I have their babies in my custody and care and that I need to Honor that responsibility greatly. Now why isnt my 22yr old son home from work yet?
Posted by: Lori